Could your sex life be becoming compulsive? The signs, causes and psychology you need to know

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In recent years, there has been increased attention paid to sex-related behaviours, particularly around compulsions, habits, or what some refer to as addictions. However, within the mainstream, this behaviour is often misunderstood. In fact, the term sex addiction itself is heavily contested by many therapists and psychology professionals – many stress that compulsive sexual behaviour is a more apt term, and that “it does not qualify or present in the same way as other substance dependencies,” as Lulu Sunnucks, clinical sexologist, says. 

Where there is confusion, often, there can be stigma and a lack of empathy. But this behavioural condition can have a very real detrimental impact on the people who experience it, and estimates suggest as many as six per cent of the general population do experience compulsive sexual behaviour – though this figure is likely under-reported as many people do not feel able to seek help. 

According to the British Psychological Society (BPS), sexual compulsions can present with a variety of symptoms. The organisation lists examples such as: spending a great deal of time in activities geared to prepare, engage in, and recover from sexual activities; persistent use/abuse of pornographic materials and aphrodisiacs; engaging in multiple affairs with multiple sexual partners; engaging in sexual behaviours with people without regard for the repercussions on them; responding to stressful life situations by engaging in sexual fantasies, urges and behaviours; and experiencing strong, simultaneous sexual fantasies and urges, of which they are unable to control. 

Underlying causes

Just as the name and definition of compulsive sexual behaviours are still not entirely defined, our understanding of where these behaviours come from is also not completely certain. At least, what we do know is that there are quite a few potential causes. Broadly, they can range from narcissism to anxiety and depression.

Dr Martina Paglia, a HCPC Registered Clinical Psychologist says that really what is important to consider when aiming to identify an underlying cause is “the psychological function the behaviour is serving for that individual.”

Essentially, these behaviours that people exhibit are often an instinct that has plenty to do with trying to find a sense of satisfaction internally – and a psychological or spiritual one, as opposed to a purely sexual experience of pleasure. 

Regulating difficult emotions

Anxiety, loneliness, shame, low self-esteem or stress are incredibly common emotions that people have to navigate, and it is common to turn to forms of pleasure or intoxication that allow relief from the intensity of these experiences. 

In this instance, Dr Paglia explains that “the sexual behaviour provides a short-term sense of relief, validation or escape”. Naturally, as with many compulsive behaviours, and some addictions, the act itself can reinforce a negative cycle – it can both, for instance, bring anxiety and be used to try and relieve that anxiety, which becomes cyclical. 

Validation

Vaguely connected to these intense emotions, and particularly low self-esteem is a strong need for validation. “Sex, pornography or pursuing new sexual partners can temporarily provide feelings of desirability, control or self-worth. The difficulty is that the effect tends to be short-lived, so the person repeatedly returns to the behaviour,” explains Dr Paglia.

Childhood experiences

Early experiences can also be relevant. Difficulties with attachment, emotional neglect, trauma or growing up in an environment where emotions were not safely expressed “can contribute to someone learning to regulate distress through external behaviours rather than through relationships or healthy emotional processing.,” Dr Paglia says.

Along with the above, Lulu Sunnucks says “Novelty seeking, Disinhibition, Impulsivity, and dampening feelings of overstimulation” include just some of the other potential underlying causes of compulsive sexual behaviour. Many of these allude to mental wellbeing issues, which is why psychotherapy is often a key treatment.

A high sex drive is not the same as a compulsive behaviour

“It’s also important not to pathologise a high sex drive,” Dr Paglia says. This is an example of where frequency is less of a concern as it would be in something more traditionally considered an addiction, which is a reason why the distinction between compulsive behaviour and addiction is important.  

The key distinction is not simply how often someone thinks about or has sex. “Clinically, we would be more concerned when someone feels unable to control the behaviour despite wanting to, repeatedly uses it to cope with difficult emotional states, or continues despite significant consequences for their relationships, work or wellbeing.” Says Paglia. 

Underlying causes then, seem to present the cause and a potential avenue for exploring solutions to this compulsive behaviour.