Are you dating a narcissist? The four stages of the relationship and the red flags you shouldn’t ignore, according to an expert

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For some people, their worst dating stories are that someone brought their mother along on their first date, or they spilled a whole plate of food all over their potential partner. But for others, their bad dating and relationship stories are much more insidious — especially if they’ve dated or been in a relationship with a narcissist.

It’s thought that true Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) exists in around 1-6% of the global population, though the number of people who exhibit narcissistic traits is likely much higher. The difference is that NPD is a clinical disorder for which you can get a diagnosis, whereas narcissistic traits cannot be diagnosed.

But how do you know if the person you’re dating has a narcissistic personality? 

‘One thing I hear so many people say in hindsight of narcissistic relationships is that they had a bad feeling very early on,’ says chartered counselling psychologist and author of How to Leave a Narcissist… For Good, Dr. Sarah Davies, ‘there was just something that didn’t feel quite right. It may be that it felt too much… too much too soon or even too good to be true, something just didn’t feel right… But they ignored it and minimised their gut sense.’

Narcissistic abuse is often referred to as ‘invisible abuse’, says Davies, explaining that it often happens slowly and progressively, making it all the more difficult to spot in the early stages. ‘A lot of people only see it for what it is once things are really bad,’ she adds.

Early warning signs

‘Often the early stages of being with a narcissist is great,’ says Davies. ‘They will be charming and shower you with compliments, attention or gifts… [but] then the criticisms or undermining slowly starts. It can be very subtle to start with. It’s important to pay attention to both a partner’s behaviours and also how it leaves you feeling.’

Some questions to ask yourself if you have a ‘bad feeling’ can be:

– Does your partner do what they say they will, or are there broken promises, disappointments or promises for the future (known as ‘future-faking’)?

– Is your partner being kind and supportive? Do you feel safe and at ease, or on edge and anxious? Are they genuinely considerate and caring, or selfish and controlling?

– Are your boundaries respected? Do your voice or feelings matter in the relationship?

– How do they handle conflict? Can they take responsibility for themselves and their actions, or do they blame you or others?

Be as honest with yourself as possible when answering. If you sense there’s a negative pattern to your answers, it might be an indication that something is wrong.

The four stages of a narcissistic abuse cycle

According to Davies, there are four main stages to an abusive relationship cycle with a narcissist.

Idealisation (the lovebombing phase)

‘There is intensity, it’s full on, exciting and the sort of thing that sweeps you off your feet,’ she says. ‘I find that often narcissists come along at a time of vulnerability — perhaps a difficult time, or a recent break-up, bereavement, stress, etc. So at the time, they can appear like a knight in shining armour.’

During this stage, you may be on the receiving end of excessive affection, sweeping declarations, flattery, and gifts. They may quickly rush to label the relationship or declare their feelings, and bombard you with phone calls, texts, and requests to see you. 

Devaluation

‘This is where the criticism, coldness, blaming, shaming or gaslighting comes in and can start to impact your confidence and self-esteem,’ explains Davies. ‘It’s usually subtle and progresses slowly… usually in a way that you don’t really notice it happening, until it gets really bad.’

Your partner may start giving you backhanded compliments, laughing at or dismissing your passions and hobbies, or making critical remarks about your appearance, intelligence, or choices. They may often become cold or withdraw affection, in stark contrast with the first stage.

The discard

‘Narcissists do not do endings,’ Davies says. ‘They do not manage breakups in a healthy, emotionally mature way. Instead, they tend to suddenly and abruptly end the relationship, withdraw completely, disappear, or punish you with silent treatment. They can also move on very quickly — if they haven’t got their next partner already lined up.’

They may pick a huge fight with you over something seemingly insignificant and use your reaction as a ‘justification’ for the breakup – or they may simply cut off contact with no warning, also known as ghosting.

If you do interact with them, they may treat you with cold indifference, as though you were a stranger. This can be particularly upsetting and confusing.

Hoovering

The final stage of the narcissistic abuse cycle tries to make sure you’re never truly ‘free’ of them.

‘As it suits the narcissist, they will try to pull you back in and close again with false apologies, promises of change, or using fear or guilt to pull you back into the relationship,’ warns Davies.

‘This cycle can go around and around whilst it suits the narcissist’s needs.’

This can look like a ‘just checking in’ text, often something casual and low-effort. On the other hand, they may try to start the cycle of lovebombing again, claiming they’ve changed and flattering you with grand gestures once again.

They may even show up somewhere they know you’ll be, uninvited, to try and ‘bump into you’ to initiate a seemingly coincidental meeting.

How to break the pattern

If you’re worried you might be in a relationship with a narcissist, the first thing you should do is arm yourself with information, says Davies. Learning about typical narcissist behaviour, patterns and dynamics can help you to recognise it early and understand its impact, making you less likely to engage. She emphasises the importance of having someone in your life who you trust to speak to about what’s happening.

‘I would also then work on building your self-confidence and understanding of healthy boundaries – the difference with this can really empower somebody to recognise when they have had enough and walk away,’ Davies adds.

‘Narcissists need boundaries at every point of the relationship, I would say even more so if you want to end things, as they will try to pull you back again and again. But you get to decide when it ends.’

Dr. Sarah Davies is a Chartered Integrative Counselling Psychologist and Author offering individual private therapy to adults as well as a range of online courses and self-help books. Visit her at drsarahdavies.com