Why do we hurt the people we love most? We asked relationship expert Paul Brunson

Why do we sometimes save our worst behaviour for the people we love most? It might be a cutting remark to your partner, an unnecessary argument over what’s for dinner or the irresistible urge to have the last word. You know you’ve gone too far, yet in the heat of the moment, you say it anyway.

According to relationship expert Paul Brunson, known for Married at First Sight and Celebs Go Dating, these moments aren’t always about what’s being argued over. Often, they’re a sign of something deeper: emotional exhaustion, built-up resentment or the feeling that nobody is listening.

But why do we find it so difficult to hold our tongues, even when we know our words could hurt someone? And how can we learn to pause before a disagreement turns into a full-blown argument and rage?

Here, Brunson explains why we lash out at those closest to us, what our behaviour may really be telling us, and how to communicate without causing unnecessary hurt.

Why do we say things we know will hurt the people we love?

Why do some people seem unable to stop themselves from saying things they know might upset someone?

As a relationship expert, I see this all the time, and it almost never comes from a place of malice.

It comes down to sheer emotional overload. When we carry unaddressed stress, our threshold for patience drops to zero. If someone has spent the entire day quietly holding back their feelings and managing a million micro-decisions, an uncomfortable remark can leak out almost automatically because their internal filter is completely exhausted.

Why might we knowingly say something that could cause an argument, even when we want to maintain a happy relationship?

It sounds paradoxical, doesn’t it? But this can happen when our immediate emotional need to vent overrides our long-term desire for peace.

When frustration builds up without a constructive outlet, the urge to express that discomfort becomes urgent. You know deep down that it might spark a debate, but in that split second, keeping quiet feels harder than dealing with the fallout of an argument.

Is it impulsivity, a need to be heard, frustration or a desire to be honest?

That’s a powerful blend, and in my experience, it can be any and all of those things, depending on the situation.

Sometimes impulsivity and frustration take the driving seat when someone feels completely invisible, unappreciated or unsupported in their daily efforts. Ultimately, though, we should all be trying to drive towards honesty.

Why do some people speak first and think about the consequences afterwards?

That is pure emotional hijacking. When our stress levels hit a boiling point, our emotional brain can overpower our rational thinking.

The emotional distress signal takes over, causing us to blurt out whatever we’re feeling just to release that sudden surge of energy, long before our logic can step in and say, “Hey, how is this going to land?”

What lies beneath this behaviour?

Can we provoke friction without consciously realising we’re doing it to the people we love?

Absolutely, and this happens in everyday home life more than anywhere else. We provoke friction through subtle micro-behaviours without even realising it.

Take a classic scenario from our Hello Fresh research: asking a partner a simple, seemingly innocent question like, “What’s for dinner?”

If that partner is already carrying the invisible mental burden of planning, budgeting and organising, the question doesn’t sound innocent. It feels like another task being dumped on their lap, instantly sparking friction.

The need to challenge your partner

Why might someone feel compelled to correct, challenge or point out things that other people would simply let go?

When someone feels completely overwhelmed or out of control in major areas of their life, they instinctively look for small things to control in their immediate environment.

Correcting, challenging or pointing out minor details isn’t usually about the detail itself. It’s a subconscious attempt to regain order when they’re feeling mentally drained or unsupported.

Is there a difference between being outspoken and deliberately being provocative?

There’s a huge difference, and it comes down to intent.

Outspokenness usually comes from a place of authenticity, transparency and a genuine desire for clear communication. Deliberately being provocative, on the other hand, can be a defensive or aggressive mechanism. It’s a way to push someone’s buttons, test boundaries or deflect from your own vulnerabilities before the other person can get too close.

Why we may feel the need to cause friction

Could a tendency to create friction be linked to feeling unheard, overlooked or taken for granted?

Without a doubt.

For example, when we were working on The Dinner Decree, we found that 70% of women said they carried all or most of the mental load around cooking each day.

When someone consistently feels they’re carrying the heavy, invisible load of running a household by themselves, creating friction can become a subconscious way of shouting, “Look at everything I am doing! Please notice it and acknowledge it!”

Why might we feel an overwhelming need to have the last word?

Let me tell you, the need for the last word is almost never about the topic you’re debating. It’s about power, validation and fear.

In that moment, getting the final say makes us feel we’ve regained control over a situation where we previously felt small, threatened or ignored.

Can criticism be a defence mechanism that protects us from feeling vulnerable?

It is one of the most common emotional shields out there. It is far easier, and feels much safer, to attack or point out a flaw in your partner than it is to look them in the eye and admit, “I’m exhausted,” “I feel unappreciated” or “I really need your help right now.”

Why do some people find it harder to tolerate being wrong or admitting they’ve upset someone?

Admitting you’re wrong requires a degree of emotional security and a willingness to be vulnerable.

If someone is already feeling overwhelmed, unsupported or defensive, acknowledging a mistake can feel like a total defeat or an admission that they aren’t good enough, rather than a healthy step towards resolution.

Why do we hurt the people we love most?

Can childhood experiences teach us that conflict is a normal part of communicating?

Absolutely. Our childhood homes are our very first relationship classrooms.

If you grew up in an environment where raising your voice, constant debate or dramatic conflict were the only ways to be heard or express care, you can naturally adopt that blueprint and bring it straight into your adult relationships.

Why do we do it with the people we love?

Because our homes are the places where we take off our armour and drop the filters we may have had to put on during the day.

When we feel safe to do so, we show our rawest, most honest and most frustrated sides to the people we love because we assume we’re safe with them. But that can inadvertently mean our loved ones end up getting the worst version of us.

Taking loved ones for granted

Do we take our nearest and dearest for granted because we assume they will forgive us?

Yes, we rely heavily on the safety net of assumed forgiveness.

We bank on the fact that our partners or family aren’t going anywhere, which can sometimes make us careless, blunt or unkind in moments of daily stress.

Why might a small disagreement with a partner escalate into a much bigger argument?

Because it’s rarely ever actually about the surface issue!

When a couple starts blowing up over whose turn it is to cook or what to eat, it isn’t about the food. It’s about months of underlying fatigue, feeling like roommates instead of partners, and the weight of carrying an uneven mental load finally coming to the surface.

Can we unconsciously test how much someone loves us by pushing their boundaries?

Yes, this can be a subconscious safety test: “Are you still going to stick around and love me even when I am at my absolute worst?”

The problem is that repeatedly pushing boundaries to test a partner’s love eventually wears down the foundation of the relationship.

How can we stop saying things we regret?

What should we ask ourselves before saying something we suspect might cause friction?

I always recommend pausing to ask yourself three quick questions first:

1: Is this reaction about what’s happening right now, or am I reacting to built-up fatigue and stress?

2: Am I trying to solve this problem together, or am I just trying to win an argument?

3: How can I rephrase this so my partner feels invited to help me rather than attacked?

How can we learn to pause before reacting without feeling that we’re silencing ourselves?

Reframe the pause as a positive strategy, not as self-suppression.

Taking a pause isn’t silencing your voice; it’s choosing the right moment to use your voice effectively so you’re actually heard.

You can simply say, “I care about this and want to talk about it, but give me five minutes so I can explain how I feel calmly.”

What practical techniques can help someone who is quick to anger, blunt or argumentative?

Name the invisible work. Sit down with your partner during a calm moment and lay out all the unseen mental tasks — planning, budgeting and managing — so frustration doesn’t build up in silence.

Share and rotate the daily decisions. Don’t let one person become the default owner of everyday choices. Taking turns asking and answering daily questions like “What’s for dinner?” ensures everyone feels heard and involved.

Take decisions off the table entirely. Reduce daily decision fatigue by planning ahead that can help take some of the constant debate and mental labour out of dinner for example, giving you back that mental energy for each other.

Turn daily chores into quality connection. Find opportunities to work as a team. Cooking together at least once a week shifts mealtimes from a solo chore into quality bonding. In fact, our research showed it makes 28% of adults feel like a team and 40% of parents feel more connected.

How to apologise

How should we apologise when we know our words have caused unnecessary hurt?

Give a clean, heartfelt apology with zero excuses.

Don’t say, “I’m sorry, but I was tired.” Say, “I was stressed, but the way I spoke to you was completely unfair, and I am truly sorry for causing you hurt.”

Own your delivery, validate their feelings, and focus on how you can tackle the issue together as a team.

HelloFresh has teamed up with Paul C. Brunson to launch ‘The Dinner Decree’: a commitment by households to work together to make mealtimes a breeze.