Five relationship red flags that suggest it may be time for couples therapy — and what to do next

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Almost everyone argues in their relationships – whether it’s over whose turn it is to take out the trash or feed the cat, or over larger issues like finances or ‘unfair’ treatment. 

For some, arguments are occasional occurrences and are quickly resolved.

However, for some, relationship issues occur so much more frequently that they can start to fester, eroding the bond you originally shared with your partner. This can lead to unhappiness, breaks in trust, and even the end of the relationship. And it’s not just arguments that can have a negative effect.

Thankfully, if you’re experiencing issues in your relationship, you don’t have to try to ‘fix’ it by yourselves. A couples therapist may be able to help you talk through your problems together and find a solution before things reach a breaking point.

Why try couples therapy?

In relationships, issues often come from a deeply personal place, making it hard to set emotions aside and discuss with clarity. Here’s where couples therapy can help.

According to recent research from the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, 70-80% of couples reported improvements in their relationship after therapy, and nearly 90% of clients reported improvements in their emotional health.

‘The main goal new clients cite when they call us is “communication,”’ says marriage and family therapist Dr Jenn Kennedy.

‘That is a vague catch-all that often means they don’t feel heard or understood by their partner. They might also come for acute situations like substance abuse, parenting disagreements, infidelity, or desire discrepancies.’

But how do you know when it’s time to see a professional? According to Kennedy, these five things could signal that it’s time for couples therapy:

– resentment between you causing you to be short or distant

– avoiding one another to avoid more conflict

– fantasizing about how it would be to be single or with someone else in particular

– waking up feeling a sense of disconnection or ambivalence toward your partner

– lack of desire or affection toward one another

How to broach the subject

Knowing how to bring up the subject of couples therapy with a partner, especially if you’re unsure how they’ll react, can be difficult.

A study published in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy found that 38% of people viewed partner resistance as a barrier to seeking help, worrying that it would be difficult to convince their partner to attend therapy sessions.

Making sure your partner knows you care about the relationship and want to make it work can be a good first step, Kennedy suggests.

‘Ideally no one is pointing fingers, but rather seeing it as a joint dynamic to refine or improve,’ she adds.

Kennedy also suggests listening to a psychology and relationships podcast together, watching a TV show (such as Couples Therapy), or trying one of many card games on the market designed to facilitate discussion, such as Esther Perel’s Where Should We Begin (below).

Is it ever too late to try therapy?

Your issues might feel all-encompassing and difficult to come back from, and deciding whether you actually want to try and make it work is an important first step.

If you want to try but things feel impossible, Kennedy says not to give up.

‘I say it’s always worth a shot,’ she advises. ‘If couples are willing to lay it all out on the table and be up front about their dissatisfaction and regrets, we can make good progress.’

However, it depends on how willing you and your partner are to fix things, despite the difficult process. ‘If there is contempt or if one or both have moved on to be with other people, it’s much harder to repair the connection,’ Kennedy adds. Even so, therapy may help you decide what is best for the relationship — whether that is staying together, or choosing to part ways.

‘Usually, couples who are walled off can come back if they feel seen and understood. Also, I find that those on the brink of divorce or separation have “nothing to lose” so they are motivated to work harder.’

Kennedy notes that it’s important not to see the therapist as a judge of your relationship, but rather as someone who is there to help guide you.

‘I suggest couples see therapy as a way to enhance what works and finesse or address what doesn’t. Also, the therapist should be there to help you decide what you think is best for your relationship—not to keep you together or “save” your marriage.’

‘Couples therapy is work, but it can enrich the relationship exponentially,’ she concludes.