Feeling furious all the time? Try these seven simple strategies to soften your rage

If you find yourself snapping at the people you love and then wondering where your temper came from, you’re far from alone. The relentless demands of modern life can leave us overstimulated and running on empty, making even small frustrations feel overwhelming.

Psychotherapist Anna Mathur says the answer isn’t to simply try harder to stay calm. Instead, we need to recognise the warning signs that our nervous system is reaching its limit and find ways to reduce the pressure before we hit boiling point.

Why we snap at the people we love

One reason female rage can feel so confusing is that we often manage to keep ourselves under control in our outward-facing lives, only to lose our temper when we get home.

Mathur describes this as the “shaken Coke bottle effect”. We spend the day absorbing demands, frustrations and sensory input, then reach our safe space with the people we love and suddenly everything spills over.

Modern life can make this worse. “The emphasis is placed on output. I don’t think our culture values rest,” Mathur explains. Many women have learned that being a good mother, partner or caregiver means constantly doing things for other people while overlooking their own needs.

“There are also no boundaries around work and admin — it’s constantly coming at us,” she says. “This constant demand on our nervous system means we’re more likely to snap.”

That’s why Mathur believes irritability shouldn’t simply be treated as a personal failing. Anger is a normal emotion that can tell us when our boundaries have been crossed or our needs aren’t being met.

The aim, she says, isn’t to suppress those feelings, but to understand what they’re trying to tell us — before they boil over. But if you want some good ways to stop yourself constantly picking up the pieces when things have gone wrong, here are seven of Mathur’s practical strategies for feeling less furious and more in control.

Cut down the overstimulation

One reason we can hit female rage point is overstimulation, which is a physical reaction as much as an emotional one and when our most primitive reflexes kick in.

Mathur’s own sensitivity to noise led to her wearing earplugs at home on days when her pot was boiling more furiously.

“We only have a limited capacity to absorb sensory input and when our cup is full to overflowing, you’re tipped into a stress state,” she says.

“I remember when I first got the earplugs, I almost felt ashamed. What kind of mum am I if I need to soften the noise of my kids, even when they’re happy?

“But you need to understand that you have a threshold and when you meet and go beyond that, your body is distressed and your cognitive load is maxed out.

“The brain doesn’t distinguish between whether that’s your child asking a tenth question or being chased by a bear — we feel a threat because our biology is saying this isn’t a safe situation. We’ve nothing left to draw from.

“That’s why it feels confusing that we respond in this way to someone we love.”

Make self care a priority

Mathur has found other daily practices to keep that rolling boil lower too. “You need to support your body biologically, so it has more capacity to cope and more resilience in the stressful moments,” she says.

“I try to drink enough water and make sure I’m fuelled with healthy food, that I get sleep and exercise. I have put in strong boundaries around my phone use, including an app blocker that I credit with changing my relationship with my husband and children.

“It blocks social media and email when the kids are home, other than 15 minutes after they are in bed. I can still hop on my laptop if I need to do something urgent but I won’t get lost in scrolling.

“Instead of a ‘to-do’ list, I time-block my day and set reminders for everything from watering the plants to hanging up washing. That means it’s not a cognitive drain on my brain — I don’t have to hold any of that information.”

Resting without guilt is another of Mathur’s go-to strategies for keeping female rage at bay.

“I rest with my kids when they’re on the sofa at the end of the day. They watch a bit of TV and I read my Kindle, instead of rushing about.”

Words: Alex Lloyd