Do you know the difference between love and limerance? Learn to spot whether there’s a real spark or just infatuation

When attraction takes hold, it can be all-consuming — but sometimes that attraction can make us feel more insecure than happy. Writer Yasmina Floyer speaks to the experts to find out more about the difference between love and limerence and how to spot the real signs of infatuation.

Words: Yasmina Floyer. Images: Shutterstock.

It’s easy to mistake a spark for something deeper — to believe that any flutter in the chest must be love. You meet someone, and you’re instantly hit with that delicious warmth that signals attraction.

They smile at you, and the heat rises to your face, so you drop your gaze so as not to give yourself away. The more you speak to them, the more you think you might really like them. Soon, their image fills every corner of your mind, wrecking your concentration, and everything — songs, adverts, strangers’ smiles — reminds you of them.

This is it, you think — I must be falling in love. But not necessarily. American psychologist Dr Dorothy Tennov coined the term in the 1970s in her book Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love.

Limerence, she explained, is obsessive infatuation. One of its most striking features is the role of uncertainty — whether the feelings are even known, let alone reciprocated, by the one you desire. I spoke with clinical psychologist and UK mental health expert for Headspace, Dr Sophie Mort, to understand how limerence differs from ordinary attraction.

She explains that limerence is fuelled by that very uncertainty — by the question, ‘Do they feel the same about me?’

‘That’s what drives the emotional rollercoaster: the “highs” when you think you spot a sign of interest, and the “lows” when you don’t. People often describe replaying conversations in their head, imagining future ones, idealising the person, and even noticing physical reactions like a racing heart or jitters — all this can happen even with very little actual contact.’

Some of this sounds very similar to what we feel when we meet someone new and begin to develop feelings. Early-stage love can feel consuming too — the butterflies, the phone-checking, the rush of possibility. So how do we tell infatuation from limerence? Dr Mort agrees that early love can be preoccupying, but says key differences exist.

‘The difference is that even in the early rush of love, there’s usually a thread of mutuality and care. You’re starting to get a more realistic sense of who the other person is, and you care about their wellbeing, not just whether they’re into you.

‘Limerence, on the other hand, is much more self-focused. It’s less about who the person really is, and more about the thrill of “do they want me?” That’s why the emotional highs and lows hinge so much on tiny, ambiguous “signals.”’

For Dr Tennov, limerence was something that largely happens in the mind of the person experiencing it, and sometimes has little to do with an actual relationship at all. Dr Mort adds that over time, it often shifts into something more uncomfortable: anxiety, sadness, or feeling as though your thoughts are being hijacked.

Fantasy, not reality

Psychosexual therapist Jodie Slee, who specialises in relational therapy, notes that infatuation when we’re falling in love is usually exciting and deepens into connection. Limerence, she says, is far more consuming.

‘With love, you enjoy the other person, but you can still function, keep perspective, and hold onto your sense of self. Ultimately, limerence is built on fantasy, not reality.’

She breaks down traits that distinguish ordinary attraction from limerence:

• – Intrusive thinking: the person is constantly on your mind, often to the point of distraction

• – Mood changes: soaring at signs of interest, crashing when ignored
• – Idealisation: seeing them through rose-tinted glasses
• – Intense longing for reciprocation: craving confirmation that they feel the same
• – Fantasy and daydreaming: imagining futures that may bear no resemblance to reality

Most of us have experienced limerent feelings at some point. Some psychologists see limerence as part of the normal range of human experience — usually passing on its own, leaving life largely unchanged. Sometimes it becomes a stepping-stone towards love; sometimes it fades as quickly as it arrived.

A destabilising obsession?

But when does limerence become unhealthy? Dr Mort explains that while some psychologists view it as normal, others argue its intensity and disruption may warrant diagnostic attention.

‘For many people, limerence is brief or has relatively mild consequences. But when every waking thought is dominated by the other person, when sleep or appetite is disrupted, or when functioning begins to suffer, it suggests that what started as attraction has tipped into something unhealthy.’

Slee agrees: when feelings become obsessive, it’s concerning. ‘For example, if someone’s entire mood or sense of self-worth depends on whether their texts are answered, or they can’t concentrate on work or friendships because they’re consumed by fantasies, that’s when limerence crosses into obsession. Instead of being energising, it becomes destabilising.’

Since limerence involves uncertainty and a highly idealised fantasy, it can drift far from reality. The risk heightens when it leads to rumination, emotional distress, interference with existing relationships, or difficulty managing day-to-day life.

Dr Mort notes: ‘At its most problematic, people may form unrealistic expectations of the other person or start ignoring that person’s boundaries, which is where the danger lies. ‘Research has linked limerence with intrusive thinking and vulnerabilities such as anxiety, depression, OCD-like features, trauma histories, and maladaptive fantasy.

‘More recent writing also notes possible overlap with the early stages of stalking when self-regulation is poor. Clinically, the red flags are when limerence causes significant impairment or drives boundary-violating pursuit despite little or no evidence of reciprocation.’

If you suspect you’re experiencing limerence, Dr Mort suggests beginning with naming it: ‘The first step is simply naming it: “Okay, this is limerence.” Being able to label the experience can help alleviate some of the intensity. It’s a bit like shining a light on something that feels overwhelming in the dark.’

She recommends learning more about limerence and exploring what might be triggering it for you. Is it a pattern? Has it happened before? If so, therapy may help uncover the roots.

Slee encourages reducing reassurance-seeking behaviours — frequently checking their socials or texts, replaying conversations in your head — and learning to regulate the physiological element.

‘Try breathwork, journalling or therapy, so the emotions don’t run you,’ she says. ‘Often, talking it through with a therapist helps uncover the deeper need underneath — limerence usually points to unmet attachment needs rather than true love. ‘The more you strengthen your sense of self, the less power limerence has over you.’

If the experience becomes distressing or begins to interfere with daily functioning, Dr Mort emphasises that it’s time to seek support. Therapies like CBT or ACT can be especially helpful, with a focus on boundaries and self-regulation. This time of year can magnify our longings — sometimes beautifully, sometimes painfully.

But ultimately, having a crush shouldn’t mean being crushed. Attraction, whether it leads to love or something lighter, should feel exciting and within your control. And if your thoughts start racing toward someone this month, remember: love is grounded, reciprocal and steady. Limerence, no matter how intoxicating, is a spark that burns brightest in uncertainty — not in reality.

Dr Sophie Mort is a clinical psychologist, Sunday Times bestselling author, and UK mental health expert for Headspace. Hailed by the Telegraph as a psychology ‘guru’ and by the Daily Mail as the ‘charismatic therapy queen’, she consults to leading organisations, media, and Catherine, Princess of Wales. Her bestselling books, including A Manual for Being Human, cement her place as a leading voice in psychology.

Jodie Slee is a psychotherapist specialising in psychosexual, relational and EMDR therapy with qualifications in both relationship and trauma-based therapy. She has trained with globally recognised institutions and offers 15 years’ worth of experience helping couples and individuals overcome relationship issues or sexual difficulties. sensatetherapy.com