Do you have FOBO? Why ‘Fear of a Better Option’ could be the reason you can’t find happiness

It’s a common scenario. There you are, all dressed up for a night out, and you suddenly find yourself paralysed with indecision when presented with a menu that contains enough pages to rival a small magazine. Or you spend hours, literally, hours, scrolling through numerous viewing platforms trying to decide what to watch, then making yourself too tired to actually watch a show?

Most of us have heard of Fear of Missing Out, but these scenarios are actually more like a newly-minted phenomenon: FOBO – Fear of Better Option.

FOBO is the lesser known but equally common cousin of Fear of Missing Out, and a phenomenon heavily fuelled by the vast choices offered by modern life. This anxiety-driven psychological state leads us to avoid committing for fear of missing out on something better.

Being in a constant state of Fear of a Better Option can result in stress and chronic “analysis paralysis”, due to the constant doubt that your choice may not be the ‘perfect’ one, and that there may be a more perfect option out there.

And nowhere is this more apparent than in the world of dating, where FOBO can be the very thing that prevents us from finding love.

Why FOBO is ruining modern dating

The common denominator in any scenario involving Fear of a Better Option is an abundance of choice – which is what the plethora of dating apps give us.

Psychotherapist and relationship educator Francesca Rawlinson believes that dating apps and constant access to our phones have intensified our attachment styles.

“For someone with anxious attachment, waiting for replies, seeing someone online, inconsistent communication, or constant texting can create a cycle of anxiety and reassurance seeking. A text back can feel like relief, whilst a delayed reply can trigger overthinking and self-doubt.”

She thinks that many people are using digital connection to regulate their emotions without even realising it. For someone with avoidant attachment, for example, apps can reinforce the idea that there is always another option available.

“If connection starts becoming deeper or more vulnerable, it can feel easier to pull away or keep searching rather than stay present.”

Rawlinson suggests that modern dating creates emotional intensity before emotional intimacy — people spend all day messaging, sharing personal details, and feeling attached, before real trust or safety develops.

“Constant access isn’t the same as closeness. On top of this, I think the amount of choice we now have is affecting us.

“Years ago, you’d walk into Blockbuster and choose from a small number of films. Now we can spend an hour scrolling Netflix and still not be satisfied with what we pick. The same thing happens in dating.”

This constant awareness of alternatives leaves us not only feeling overloaded, but less satisfied with our choices. Famed psychologist Barry Schwartz calls this the Paradox of Choice.

Rawlinson says: “When we’re constantly aware of alternatives, it can become harder to fully invest in the person we’re getting to know, because there’s always the possibility that someone ‘better’ might be one swipe away.”

Has FOBO killed commitment?

So, has Fear of a Better Option made us less willing to commit? For Rawlinson, the answer is more nuanced. We talk about the shift in habits when it comes to how we meet people. Years ago, people met through work, friendship groups, or everyday life, and relationships had more space to grow naturally.

“Friendship, trust, and emotional safety were often built alongside attraction. Now, I think many people are looking for instant chemistry, a strong spark, or the feeling of certainty from the beginning.

“The problem is that intensity and compatibility are not the same. Dating apps can encourage people to chase the spark rather than build something.

“The moment things feel calmer, steadier, or less exciting, people can assume something is missing, when often that’s the point where real intimacy starts to grow.”

She explains that our attachment styles have a big impact on how this hits us. “For anxious people, intensity can feel like connection. For avoidant people, the excitement of the early stages can feel easier than the vulnerability that comes with deeper commitment.

“As a result, people can end up chasing the highs of new connection rather than allowing something healthy to develop over time.”

Constantly chasing the thrill of instant chemistry can lead to a pattern of perpetual first and second dates that go no further.

“Secure relationships take time, trust takes time, and emotional safety takes time. But modern dating can create pressure to know almost immediately whether someone is right for us.

“Because there are so many options available, people can become focused on finding someone who ticks every box or fulfils every need.”

The reality is that no one person can be everything for us. This means people are saying no to potentially healthy relationships because of very small things, whilst holding onto the idea that there might be someone better around the corner.

Why you need to stop seeking the ‘spark’

Thinking more deeply about the intersection of avoidant tendencies with behaviours such as perpetual dating, it can be easy to see how these behaviours can lead some to avoid the more challenging aspects of being in a relationship.

Rawlinson says that in order to break the cycle, we need to stop asking, ‘Do they give me the spark?’ and start asking, ‘Do I feel safe, respected, and able to be myself around them?’

“Often the healthiest relationships aren’t the ones with the biggest spark; they’re the ones that give connection enough time to grow.

“Combating FOBO starts with becoming clearer on the difference between healthy compatibility and the fantasy of perfection.

“Modern dating can create the belief that the ‘perfect’ person is always still out there somewhere, which keeps people constantly searching rather than fully investing in what’s already in front of them.”

To combat Fear of a Better Option, Rawlinson encourages us to stop scanning for what else could exist, and instead ask: ‘Can I build something healthy, safe, and meaningful with the person in front of me?’

Real connection deepens through presence, vulnerability, and consistency, not endless searching.

“Part of combating FOBO is also allowing ourselves to be messy, imperfect, fully human versions of ourselves within relationships. Real intimacy requires vulnerability.

“It’s built when two people gradually stop performing, stop trying to appear perfect, and allow themselves to actually be seen. That’s the point where genuine emotional connection grows.”

Words: Yasmina Floyer

Frances Rawlinson is a Psychotherapist, relationship educator, and founder of Frankie’s Therapy, specialising in attachment styles, trauma bonds, addictive relationship patterns, and emotional healing. frankiestherapy.co.uk