Why are some people ashamed to admit they have ADHD? The hidden emotions behind a diagnosis

Feeling both shame and relief is understandable; these emotions are not uncommon and can certainly showcase themselves together.

According to psychiatrist Dr Ahmed Shoka, these reactions can coexist.

“It is often a relief to receive an explanation about long-standing difficulties that someone has had,” he explained. “However, it doesn’t automatically remove the fear of what other people will think about it. Some also have a feeling of being sad or angry about the years they’ve spent struggling without a proper explanation, so it may be difficult for them to explain their diagnosis to others.”

Counsellor Adria Hagg – who was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult – understands these feelings of shame from personal experience.

“I work with people with ADHD and have personally felt embarrassed about disclosing my own late diagnosis of it to loved ones, so this topic resonates both professionally and personally to me,” she explained.

“Understanding yourself and feeling safe, and being understood by others are two different things. “Someone may feel enormous relief privately while worrying that family, friends or colleagues will dismiss the diagnosis. They may also grieve the years they spent blaming themselves for difficulties they didn’t understand.

“You can feel relieved to finally have an explanation and still feel vulnerable about letting someone else in on it.”

Why are people afraid of what others will think about their ADHD?

Fear can play a significant role in why some people avoid telling others they have ADHD, particularly if they worry that disclosing their diagnosis could change how loved ones perceive them.

“It is important to distinguish between embarrassment and fear,” pointed out educational psychologist Dr Adam McCartney.

“Embarrassment is a self-conscious emotional response associated with feeling exposed or negatively perceived by others. Fear, on the other hand, relates to the anticipation of negative consequences, such as judgement, rejection or social exclusion.

“An individual may not feel embarrassed or ashamed of having ADHD, but may nevertheless fear how others will respond to their diagnosis. Their reluctance to disclose it may therefore reflect a protective response to anticipated stigma, rather than a negative perception of themselves.

“The distinction is that embarrassment concerns how an individual feels about being perceived, whereas fear concerns what they anticipate others might do as a consequence of that perception.

“In this sense, reluctance to disclose an ADHD diagnosis may be less about personal embarrassment and more about the perceived social risks associated with disclosure.”

What misconceptions about ADHD make people afraid to disclose it?

Misconceptions about ADHD can understandably make people feel worried about opening up about it

There are several misconceptions about ADHD, including the belief that it is simply a trend, partly because of growing public awareness and debate around the condition. The recent Channel 4 documentary The Great ADHD Myth? also raised questions about ADHD diagnosis and the condition itself.

“ADHD has become increasingly stigmatised, particularly following recent media coverage, including the Channel 4 programme, that have raised questions about the reliability of diagnostic practices,” explained Dr McCartney.

Another common misconception is that ADHD only affects children. This can make people diagnosed later in life feel particularly vulnerable, especially if they worry that others will not take their diagnosis seriously.

Dr Shoka believes misconceptions about hyperactivity can also make people reluctant to disclose their diagnosis.

“Being hyperactive does not necessarily mean being productive. Someone may start a project enthusiastically but struggle to sustain attention and finish it once their interest fades,” he said.

“They might worry about other misconceptions, including that it reflects being lazy or having poor discipline.”

Why can a late ADHD diagnosis bring up difficult emotions?

Although a late diagnosis of ADHD can bring relief to people who have struggled for years without understanding why, it can still be difficult to open up to loved ones. Some may fear being dismissed or accused of jumping on the ADHD bandwagon, while others who have masked their symptoms for years may feel exposed by sharing their diagnosis.

“By 40, someone may have spent decades being told they are careless, disorganised, too sensitive or simply not trying hard enough. A diagnosis offers a different explanation, but it doesn’t automatically undo those messages,” pointed out Adria. “People may fear that sharing it will invite more criticism or that others will think they are making excuses.”

Dr Shoka agrees that years of criticism can make disclosure particularly challenging.

“By the time someone reaches the age of 40 or 50, they may have spent many years being criticised for being forgetful, disorganised or unreliable. They may have had to work really hard to keep some of these difficulties hidden. Sharing a diagnosis can feel quite exposing, especially if they are worried that it will be dismissed as an excuse.”

What happens psychologically when someone fears being judged for ADHD?

When someone fears telling others about their ADHD, they may anticipate judgement or rejection, increasing their stress and anxiety. The brain can respond to the prospect of social rejection as a potential threat, activating the body’s stress response.

“They may be worried that they will receive criticism or be rejected before they’ve even had the conversation,” said Dr Shoka.

“If they’ve had previous dismissive reactions, then that can make the fear totally understandable. Staying quiet can feel like a way to keep oneself safe and protected from judgement. That may still be the case even though they would really welcome some support.”

Is embarrassment about ADHD linked to stigma or low self-esteem?

Dr Shoka explains that both stigma and low self-esteem can contribute to feelings of embarrassment about an ADHD diagnosis.

“Repeated negative comments can become the default way someone starts talking to themselves. They might well understand the diagnosis they’ve received, but still feel that they should be able to do better or try harder. That said, wanting to keep the diagnosis private doesn’t automatically mean someone has low self-esteem. They may simply be cautious because of previous experiences of being vulnerable.”

How can telling someone you have ADHD help?

While it is entirely reasonable to keep a diagnosis private, sharing it with someone supportive can reduce the burden of hiding difficulties and help strengthen relationships.

Adria explains that opening up to a trusted person can ease the pressure of masking difficulties and make practical support possible.

“A loved one may better understand that forgetting something doesn’t necessarily mean you didn’t care. That understanding can help both people find solutions, such as written plans or reminders, rather than repeatedly assigning blame,” she explained.

“Disclosure can support closeness, but it remains a personal choice. Nobody owes everyone access to their diagnosis.”

What steps can help if you feel embarrassed about telling people you have ADHD?

Remember that ADHD is not a character flaw. A diagnosis does not mean someone is lazy, undisciplined or defined by their symptoms. Confiding in one trusted person may be a helpful first step before deciding whether to tell others.

“Start with one person who has shown they can listen without judgment. Decide what you want from the conversation: understanding, practical help or simply the opportunity to be honest,” advises Adria.

“You might say: ‘I was recently diagnosed with ADHD, and it has helped me understand some things I’ve struggled with for years. I’m still learning about it. I’d appreciate you listening before offering advice.’

“The goal isn’t to become comfortable telling everyone. It’s to have more choice about whom you tell, without treating your diagnosis as something you need to apologise for.”

Dr Shoka offers similar advice, emphasising the importance of taking things at your own pace.

“I would recommend starting with one person that you trust. Think about what you’d like to say to them, what you’d like them to understand, and ultimately what support and help you would like from them. You could say something like: ‘I’ve recently been diagnosed with ADHD and I’m still learning about it. But I want you to understand how it affects me.’

“You can take your time and choose when you want to tell friends and family. You can also ask them to keep it private. If anxiety or a sense of shame is leaving you isolated, or affecting your friendships and relationships, raise that with your clinician. Support with those feelings can be part of the care they provide.”