What to do if your boss comes on to you – and why can it be so difficult to respond in the moment?

Words: Shamila Mhearban

Pics: Getty Images

When someone making unwanted advances has power over your career, saying no is not always as straightforward as it sounds. They may influence your salary, promotion prospects or working environment, leaving you to weigh up your discomfort against the potential consequences of speaking out.

So, what should you do if your boss comes on to you – and why can it be so difficult to respond in the moment?

Human behaviour under stress is rarely that simple

We are familiar with the idea of “fight or flight”, but psychological research has also identified what has been termed a “tend-and-befriend” response. Originally proposed by psychologist Shelley Taylor and colleagues, the theory suggests that women, in particular, may sometimes respond to stress by attempting to preserve social connection, reduce conflict and create safety through affiliative behaviour rather than confronting or escaping the situation outright.

In a workplace setting, that distinction matters.

An employee whose boss makes an unwanted advance might laugh nervously. She might soften her response, change the subject, continue being friendly or try to make the interaction less uncomfortable. She may even find herself managing her boss’s embarrassment while processing her own discomfort.

From the outside, those behaviours can be misread as encouragement. They may be nothing of the sort.

Do not confuse appeasement with consent

One of the most damaging questions we ask retrospectively is: “Why didn’t she just say no?”

It assumes that people respond to uncomfortable situations rationally and assertively in real time.

But imagine having to reject someone who will be sitting opposite you in your next performance review. Or someone who decides which projects you work on, whose recommendation could influence your promotion, or who has significant standing within your organisation.

You may be thinking simultaneously about the unwanted advance and its professional consequences.

That is why friendliness after an uncomfortable encounter does not necessarily tell us that the encounter was welcome.

Sometimes it tells us how somebody managed a difficult power dynamic.

If the advance is unwanted and you feel able to do so safely, clarity can help. A simple statement such as “I want to keep our relationship professional” establishes a boundary without requiring a lengthy explanation.

You do not need to justify why you are not interested, disclose your personal circumstances or soften the rejection to protect the other person’s feelings.

What if you are interested?

This is where the situation becomes less straightforward.

You may genuinely be attracted to your boss. That does not make you naïve or unprofessional. Adults form relationships at work, and attraction does not disappear simply because an organisation has a hierarchy.

But attraction and professional risk can coexist.

Ask yourself questions that chemistry can make tempting to ignore.

Does this person directly influence your pay, progression or performance assessment? What does your organisation’s policy say about workplace relationships? Would one of you need to move teams? If the relationship ended badly, could you realistically continue working together?

A useful test is to imagine the relationship six months after a difficult break-up rather than two weeks into an exciting beginning.

If the professional structure would become untenable, that deserves serious consideration before the relationship progresses.

If the attention continues

There is also an important distinction between one expression of interest that stops when a boundary is established and repeated unwanted attention.

If the behaviour continues, keep a factual record of what happens: dates, messages, comments, meetings and any changes in treatment following your refusal.

Look at the formal routes available within your organisation. That might mean HR, a more senior manager, a designated safeguarding or employee-relations contact, a grievance process or a union representative.

If you are uncertain whether the behaviour constitutes sexual harassment, seek independent advice rather than assuming you have to work it out alone.

And pay particular attention to what happens after you establish a boundary.

Does your manager remain professional? Or does their behaviour change?

Opportunities disappearing, exclusion from meetings, excessive scrutiny, colder treatment, repeated persuasion or pressure to keep an interaction secret are all signs that the issue may now extend beyond an uncomfortable advance.

Power changes responsibility

There is a lesson here for leaders, too.

A senior person might think: “I only asked. I never pressured them.”

But power does not need to be explicitly exercised to influence behaviour.

If someone knows you can affect their career, they may respond to you differently than they would to a peer. That means the more senior person carries greater responsibility for considering the position they are putting someone else in.

Leadership is not simply about whether your intentions were harmless. It is about understanding the impact your position can have on another person’s freedom to respond.

If your boss comes on to you, you are allowed to take the situation seriously without catastrophising it.

Get clear about what you want.

Establish a boundary where necessary.

Understand your organisation’s policies and seek support if the behaviour continues.

Above all, remember this: professionalism does not require you to make an uncomfortable situation easier for the person who created it.

And friendliness, nervous laughter or an attempt to keep the peace should never automatically be mistaken for consent.

Shamila Mhearban is a leadership coach, member of Forbes Coaches Council and founder of The Leadership Growth Hub, specializing in leadership development, workplace behavior and executive coaching