How to deal with family rejection

Our agony aunt, Mary Fenwick, offers a new perspective on whatever is troubling you

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How to deal with family rejection

4 minute read

Q. Seven years ago, my niece died. Her daughter went to live with her father and his girlfriend but it didnโ€™t work out so, for three years, she lived with me and my husband and we did a lot for her.

Two years ago, my great-niece got a boyfriend and moved out. Now, we donโ€™t see her, sheโ€™s had a baby and is back with the people who didnโ€™t want to know her. Weโ€™ve never been invited over. Am I being unreasonable for feeling upset? Should I let her go? Name supplied

A. Is it possible to find some space between feeling upset and deciding to let her go? Itโ€™s been a tumultuous seven years for everyone โ€“ grief, house moves, shifts in loyalty and now a new baby. It might take time before you and your great-niece get this all in perspective. In the meantime, she will be getting daily reminders of what her own mother did for her, and she canโ€™t ask her for help.

Could you bring yourself to take the initiative, perhaps like this: โ€˜Iโ€™m passing your way, could I pop in for 15 minutes? Iโ€™d love to say hello.โ€™

Iโ€™m not asking you to ignore your feelings of hurt, but find a way to deal with them separately. I wonder if there is something going on about being a mother or not being a mother that is making this particularly painful for you. It may be helpful to write some of that down, talk to a trusted friend or seek counselling.

The title of aunt can be acquired by blood ties or given to acknowledge a relationship that has grown over time. You have earned it both ways.

You have leeway to decide what that means. In the words of existential psychotherapist Irvin Yalom โ€“ how could you construct a regret-free life for yourself? Alternatively, how does a great-aunt act if she also wants to be a fairy godmother?

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Mary Fenwick is a business coach, journalist, fundraiser, mother, divorcรฉe and widow. Follow Mary on Twitter @MJFenwick. Got a question for Mary? Email mary@psychologies.co.uk, with โ€˜MARYโ€™ in the subject line.

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