How does an affair affect your self-esteem?

An affair is a choice made by one person, but the consequences can become deeply personal for the other. When trust is broken, it’s natural to search for an explanation. If your partner chose someone else, you may start wondering whether they were more attractive, more interesting or more desirable than you.

“An affair is a choice made by one person; it is not a measure of another person’s value,” says Dr Steven Mahan-Taylor, Consultant Clinical Psychologist at London Bridge Therapy.

That can be difficult to hold onto when you’re confronted with the details of an affair. You may find yourself comparing yourself with the other person, looking for something they had that you didn’t.

An affair can reinforce old insecurities

The impact of betrayal isn’t necessarily the same for everyone. Someone who already struggles with low self-esteem may be more likely to interpret an affair as confirmation of their existing fears.

“If someone has spent years questioning whether they are lovable, attractive or ‘good enough’, an affair can reinforce those fears, even though the betrayal itself is not evidence that those beliefs are true,” says Mahan-Taylor.

This is one reason an affair can feel as though it has exposed some fundamental truth about you, when in reality it may have activated beliefs that were already there.

Someone with a stronger sense of self may still be devastated, angry and heartbroken, but may find it easier to separate their partner’s behaviour from their own identity. “They are often able to view the affair within the broader context of the relationship instead of seeing it as a reflection of their own value as a person,” says Mahan-Taylor.

What about the person who had the affair?

The impact on self-esteem isn’t limited to the person who was betrayed. For the person who had the affair, discovering that their behaviour conflicts with their values can lead to terrible regret and disappointment.

Taking responsibility doesn’t require someone to decide that they are fundamentally a bad person. It requires them to acknowledge what they did, understand why they did it and take responsibility for its consequences.

How do you rebuild your self-esteem after an affair?

Rebuilding confidence isn’t simply about getting reassurance from your partner. It may mean reconnecting with the parts of yourself that existed before the relationship and remembering that you are more than someone’s partner or spouse.

“Spending time with supportive friends and family, engaging in meaningful activities, caring for your physical and emotional wellbeing, and remembering the qualities that make you who you are can all help restore a stronger sense of self,” says Mahan-Taylor.

That process can be particularly important if your identity has become closely tied to the relationship.

An affair can make you feel as though the life you understood has suddenly changed. Re-establishing friendships, interests and routines can help create a sense of stability that doesn’t depend entirely on what happens within the relationship.

And rebuilding self-esteem doesn’t necessarily mean deciding to leave.

If a couple chooses to stay together, there are two separate things to repair: the relationship and the individual’s relationship with themselves.

Even if trust between partners is eventually restored, the betrayed person may still need time to recover their confidence and sense of identity.

You are not the affair

Perhaps the most important part of recovery is separating what happened from who you are. “Being betrayed does not make you unlovable, inadequate or unworthy,” says Mahan-Taylor.

An affair may change how you see your partner. It may change how you see your relationship. It may even make you question your own judgement for a while. But it doesn’t have to become the story you tell yourself about your worth.

With time, support and honest reflection, the experience can eventually become something you survived rather than something that defines you.

As Mahan-Taylor puts it, “Self-esteem grows not from seeking constant reassurance from someone else, but from gradually rebuilding trust in your own judgement, values and resilience.”

Words: Anne Fletcher, Images: Shutterstock