Are narcissists more likely to have affairs? 7 traits that may make them more likely to stray

Infidelity isn’t caused by one personality type. People cheat for many different reasons, and having narcissistic traits doesn’t automatically mean someone will be unfaithful.

But narcissism can involve a particular set of behaviours that may create vulnerability to straying: a strong need for admiration, a desire to feel special, difficulty tolerating criticism and an ongoing search for external validation.

Trauma specialist Zoe Clews says understanding those traits can help explain the dynamics behind some narcissistic relationships – without assuming that everyone with narcissistic traits will have an affair.

So, what traits might make a narcissistic person more likely to stray?

1. They have a strong need for validation

One of the most important themes in Clews’ explanation of narcissism is the need for external validation. “Their way of regulating themselves is through validation, depending on the type of narcissist they are through validation and power and control,” she says.

In a relationship, that can mean needing to feel attractive, successful, admired or important. An affair can potentially provide another source of that reassurance. The attention of a new person can create a powerful sense of desirability – particularly when the intensity of a long-term relationship has changed.

That doesn’t mean everyone seeking reassurance is narcissistic. Wanting to feel appreciated is a normal human need. The issue is when external admiration becomes central to someone’s sense of self.

2. They may crave the feeling of being chosen

Narcissistic relationships can begin with extraordinary intensity. Clews says narcissists can be particularly good at making another person feel special.

“They’re very, very good at making you feel chosen,” she says.

This can create an intense early-stage connection in which the new partner feels admired and almost uniquely understood. But if that feeling fades, the search for another source of excitement or admiration can potentially begin.

An affair can recreate some of the intensity of that early relationship: secrecy, anticipation, sexual attention and the feeling that someone new finds you irresistible.

3. They can struggle when their partner shines

One of the more revealing traits Clews discusses is envy. She explains that narcissism isn’t simply about believing you’re wonderful. Beneath the outward confidence can be a much more fragile sense of self.

“Envy will often be a huge trigger to try and start bringing somebody down,” she says.

This can become particularly difficult when a partner becomes more successful, independent or confident. Clews describes the trigger as occurring when “that person is shining too brightly” or when the narcissistic individual feels they’re losing control.

In that context, attention from another person could provide a way of restoring a sense of superiority or desirability.

4. They may need to feel admired by more than one person

Clews describes narcissistic people as looking for “supply” – people who provide attention, admiration or help reinforce their sense of worth.

“I think the narcissist is always looking for somebody as supply,” she says. “They’re looking for someone to make them look good.”

This can help explain why some people may maintain multiple sources of attention rather than being satisfied with one relationship.

An affair can become another source of admiration – particularly if the person enjoys the feeling of being wanted by more than one person.

Again, this is a possible dynamic, not proof that someone who seeks attention is narcissistic or unfaithful.

5. They may idealise a new person – then devalue their partner

Another pattern Clews describes is the shift from idealisation to criticism. At the beginning, the partner may be placed on a pedestal. But over time, that idealised image becomes impossible to maintain.

“If they are a narcissist, have narcissistic tendencies, because it is a sliding scale, there’s different types of narcissism, then inevitably over time you will start to be devalued,” she says.

She describes what can follow as: “Gaslight, devalue, chip away at you, criticise you.”

If someone continually needs the excitement of idealisation, a new relationship can provide a fresh opportunity to experience it. Clews describes this as finding “a new shiny person” – a phrase that captures how quickly the focus can appear to shift elsewhere.

6. They may struggle with losing control

Control is another central theme in Clews’ understanding of narcissistic behaviour. “Narcissism is always about power and control,” she says.

That control can take many forms within a relationship. It doesn’t necessarily look like overt domination. It can involve manipulation, criticism, jealousy or creating uncertainty.

An affair can become part of this dynamic in different ways. Sometimes the secrecy itself can provide a sense of power. In other cases, attention from another person may be used to provoke jealousy or regain a sense of control within the primary relationship.

The important point is that infidelity isn’t always simply about sexual attraction.

7. They may struggle to take responsibility

Perhaps one of the biggest concerns isn’t the affair itself but what happens afterwards. Clews says narcissistic behaviour can involve placing responsibility firmly onto someone else.

“They will absolutely blame that person,” she says. “You made me angry. It’s your fault.”

This can make repairing a relationship extremely difficult. An affair doesn’t just require honesty about what happened. It requires someone to acknowledge the harm they’ve caused and take responsibility for their choices.

If that doesn’t happen, the same relationship patterns can continue.

Does this mean narcissists always cheat?

No. It’s important not to turn narcissism into a shortcut explanation for infidelity. Narcissism exists on a spectrum, and not everyone with narcissistic traits will have an affair. Equally, someone who cheats isn’t automatically narcissistic.

What Clews’ explanation does highlight is how certain characteristics can create relationship dynamics in which outside attention becomes particularly compelling. And beneath many of these behaviours, Clews sees something more complicated than simple arrogance.

“Narcissism is shame-based split,” she says. The outward need to appear superior or admired can therefore coexist with a much more fragile internal sense of self.

That doesn’t excuse cheating, manipulation or emotional abuse. Understanding where a behaviour comes from isn’t the same as excusing it.

But it may explain why, for some people, one person’s admiration is never quite enough – and why the search for the next source of validation can become part of the relationship pattern.

Words: Anne Fletcher, Images: Shutterstock