‘Help — I can’t stop thinking about my married coworker!’: How to stop a workplace crush from becoming an affair

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The average person spends about 90,000 hours at work in their lifetime, or around 10-14% of their life. So it’s no surprise when we grow attached to our coworkers and find ways to make our work lives more fun and interesting.

But what happens if you develop a crush on a coworker?

It’s not uncommon – in fact, according to a Forbes survey, 60% of people admit to having had an office romance. You may have even felt the stirrings of a workplace crush yourself.

There’s nothing inherently wrong with looking forward to running into someone in the elevator or break room, taking a little extra care with your appearance, or replaying conversations with them in your head. But for some people, that initial attraction can develop into something more intense, potentially putting their jobs and existing relationships at risk.

Why do workplace crushes happen?

‘We can’t help who we find attractive, but we do have control over our actions,’ says certified sex therapist Diana Nikkhah, LCSW. ‘There is nothing wrong with appreciating the beauty of the people around us, and in workplaces it is common to become close with colleagues we see every day.’

Nikkhah explains that everyone has their own moral compass, and what one person considers ‘wrong’ won’t be the same for everyone. However, she emphasizes that we are all responsible for our own behavior and boundaries. 

If you’re experiencing an office crush, Diana recommends getting ‘curious’ about your desire, to try and find out what’s really attracting you to them.

‘Is it the fact that this person is “off-limits” that makes you attracted to them?’ she asks. ‘Is it the thrill of the forbidden?’

‘Sometimes it helps to write a pro-con list so you can show yourself in black and white why acting on the attraction is a bad idea. Then when the urge strikes, you can refer to your list to snap you back to reality.’

Why do we want what we can’t have?

For many people, being attracted to people they can’t have says less about the person they’re attracted to, and more about themselves and their own lives – something Nikkhah refers to as projection.

As we typically only see our colleagues at work, there can often be gaps in our knowledge about them as people – gaps that our brains are sometimes more than happy to fill in. This can lead to fantasies that don’t actually reflect reality, but are instead tailored to our own perceptions and desires.

‘Take a step back and try to observe the narrative you have created in your mind about the object of your desire,’ Nikkhah advises. ‘Can you separate the story in your mind from the reality? From the facts of the situation?’

If you find yourself thinking this way, it can be helpful to take a step back and ask yourself some questions, such as:

• – What do I actually know about this person and their life outside of work?
• – Am I interpreting friendliness for romantic interest?
• – Do they treat me differently than others, or am I only noticing what I want to see?
• – What qualities would this person actually bring to my life – and can I fulfill these myself?
• – Would I still feel this way if they were available or no longer ‘forbidden’?

‘Practice nonjudgment around this pattern, and instead try to get curious about the part of you that keeps showing up in this cycle,’ Nikkhah suggests. ‘What does that part want and need? Then consider, is that something you can give to yourself?’

What does my crush say about me?

Nikkhah is keen to stress that it is not uncommon to find yourself attracted to a coworker, even if one or both of you are already in a relationship. 

However, when it becomes a pattern, it could be worth looking a little deeper to see if there’s an underlying cause.

‘If you find yourself frequently attracted to people who are unavailable, that could be related to an early childhood attachment wound,’ says Nikkhah. ‘It could mean you choose people who are unavailable so that you don’t actually have the opportunity to pursue someone and be vulnerable.’

‘The person can remain a fantasy in your mind, without risk of rejection. Remember, being attracted to a married coworker is different than acting on that attraction,’ she adds.

How do I put a stop to it?

Nikkhah generally advises that taking care of yourself and your own needs can help close the door to the potential of starting an affair by making it seem less attractive. She recommends focusing on developing a strong sense of self and being clear about your own values, as well as becoming proactive about socializing outside of work settings – with people other than your coworkers.

‘Invest time and energy in things you enjoy, go on dates, go to parties, distract yourself from the object of your desire,’ she says.

‘If you are truly finding it difficult to stop yourself from acting on the urge, limit contact with the coworker if possible, but more importantly, explore what’s going on within yourself.

‘This probably isn’t about your coworker, and rather a need or impulse that you would benefit from exploring. Approach yourself with curiosity and compassion.’

At the end of the day, it can be key to remind yourself what’s at stake if you did decide to engage in a workplace affair, says Nikkhah.

‘Acting on a work crush is risky all around: you put your relationship at risk, the coworker’s relationship at risk, and potentially your jobs at risk if it blows up.

‘Practice self-regulation [and] boundary-setting and keep the fantasy just that, a fantasy.’