Could you be the ‘other woman’? 5 red flags that could reveal your partner is hiding something — and what to do about it
Is your gut trying to tell you something? An expert shares the five relationship red flags that could help you work out what’s really going on.
Amy Mica Marsden
Images: Shutterstock
A healthy relationship should make you feel safe and secure – but what happens if something feels off?
According to the General Social Survey, around 20% of men and 13% of women admit to cheating on their spouse – though it’s thought that the number could be higher. And while many of us would never knowingly enter into a relationship with someone who’s taken, things become more complicated if your partner isn’t telling the whole truth.
In a survey by Superdrug Online Pharmacy, only 23.7% of American men who cheated said that they’d been the ones to reveal the affair, while 56.5% said that their partners never found out.
So how do you know if your partner is being totally faithful, or if you’re the so-called ‘other woman’ in their relationship?
Red Flags to look out for
‘The short answer is that if you have a feeling something is off, trust your intuition,’ says certified sex therapist Diana Nikkhah, LCSW. We spoke to her to discover five potential signs that could indicate you’re the ‘other woman’.
They keep your relationship siloed
Have you ever met the friends? The family? No two relationships follow the same timeline, but generally speaking, most people have probably met their partner’s friends somewhere between a few weeks and a few months into a relationship, and the family following a few months behind that.
If you’ve been together a while and you sense they’re reluctant to make the introduction (or if it’s been brought up and they refused), it could be a sign that they’re hiding something.
Dates are always at home or out-of-the-way places
There’s nothing wrong with a night in, but if your partner refuses to go out with you in their local area, is always electing to stay indoors at your house or theirs, or if they’ll only be seen with you in places far away from home, these could be red flags.
They don’t post about you or the relationship on social media, or object to you posting them
Not everyone uses social media a lot, but if you notice they’re posting about everything BUT you, this might start to raise alarm bells. They might also become irritated or angry if you post them – and may even request you remove their photos or tags.
They’re cagey when using their phone or laptop
If you’re not allowed on their phone or laptop, or they won’t tell you who they’re texting, this is a common sign that they may have something to hide.
They’re unavailable to you for days at a time
Do they regularly disappear for days, or only give very occasional replies sometimes for seemingly no reason? It could be that their ‘other life’ has become too busy, or contacting you is too risky.
‘If the explanations don’t seem logical, or if your partner tries to make you feel guilty or crazy for asking questions, that’s a bad sign,’ says Diana.
What should I do next?
If any of these red flags sounded a bit too familiar, Diana advises that direct communication is always best. But how should you broach the subject?
‘Find a time to approach your partner when you are both calm,’ says Diana. ‘Lead with the behaviors that concern you, emphasizing how they make you feel. Try to be neutral, without using blaming or attacking language.
‘Ask for an explanation, saying you are seeking to understand. Then listen without interrupting.’
However, your partner may not always tell you the truth, even when confronted. This is where their behavior or demeanor can often provide clues.
Diana asks, ‘Are they defensive, dismissive? Do they have reasonable explanations that make sense to you?
‘The important thing to keep in mind is that even if you believe you aren’t the “other woman,” the fact that you had suspicions indicates there are issues in the relationship that need to be addressed.’
These could be that your needs aren’t being met, or you and your partner have different expectations from the relationship. ‘Talking it out is the only way through to the other side, to resolution, whether that means a happier relationship or deciding to end things.’
Should I tell their other partner?
If you discover that your partner is being unfaithful to their spouse with you, this can pose some difficult questions. Diana recommends checking in with yourself and really questioning why (or why not) you want to contact the other partner. Every situation is unique and nobody can tell you whether or not it’s the right thing to do – however, if you’re debating it, Diana has some advice.
‘Ask yourself if the result of the conversation will make a difference in how you decide to move forward. Will knowing details only hurt you more? Or is it enough to confirm the affair is happening?
‘Keep in mind you don’t know this person, you don’t know what they know, you may be revealing the betrayal and they may not react well. If they are also in the dark, have compassion, they are not the enemy. Try not to make assumptions or judgments in the absence of facts.’
Diana Nikkhah is a LCSW and a certified sex therapist focusing on helping individuals and couples navigate depression, anxiety, life transitions, infidelity and more. Find her at diananikkhah.com
