‘I became a mum and realised I needed to reparent myself, too — here’s what it taught me about wellbeing’

Words: Holly Treacy. Images: Shutterstock.

‘Go away, Mummy,’ is what my two-year-old says to me every time I’ve set a slight boundary. As I hold that boundary his words become louder, more frantic and laced with tears, but the phrase remains the same.

However, I’ve come to learn that he doesn’t want me to go away at all, but to sit quietly, holding space for his emotions until he is ready to melt into my arms for comfort. So that is exactly what I do. Fellow parents will probably know how tricky it can be to navigate toddler tantrums amidst the backdrop of juggling work, a cost-of-living crisis and a plethora of other daily stresses.

And somehow, in the midst of the emotional chaos you have to manage your own emotions as well as someone else’s. It’s a lot. So how can we support our own wellbeing as well as our child’s? Enter the idea of reparenting.

‘Reparenting is a technique or approach used in therapy when an adult works to meet their own emotional or physical needs that went unmet in their childhood,’ Dr Jade Thomas explains.

‘These needs might include: affection, security, emotional regulation, boundaries or compassion.’ In other words, they’re all the core needs required when you’re in the throes of a physical and emotional meltdown with your child.

According to Thomas, the process of reparenting is important for managing wellbeing as it allows individuals to improve the relationship they have with themselves, which subsequently can help them improve their relationships with others. ‘Reparenting might be helpful to process or overcome wounds or traumas from childhood,’ she adds.

We all suffer from low-ebb days, but if our nerves are constantly frazzled, we may need to tend to our inner child. ‘The concept of reparenting has become popularised in recent years on social media and tends to be used to describe reparenting yourself, which is about shifting unhelpful patterns of behaviour and learning new patterns that enable you to meet your own needs,’ explains Dr Emma Hepburn.

So how can we begin to care for and nurture our inner child? What does that even look like? Thomas believes that parenting your own children might allow for reflections of how you were parented, and how you wish you could have been parented.

‘Begin by reflecting on your own behaviour, for example: when you get upset, frustrated or feel emotional pain, ask yourself reflective questions such as: What is happening around you that is making you feel this way? Why are you responding in such a way? What are you hoping might happen as a result of this response?

‘Asking yourself questions like this allows you to understand how past trauma is affecting your present behaviour, which in turn, might affect how you parent your own children. After you have begun reflecting on your own behaviour try to practise emotional regulation and talk to yourself in a compassionate way, perhaps how you wanted to be spoken to as a child.’

As I listen to Thomas’s advice, I’m reminded of a tool that Zoe Blaskey, author of Motherkind shared with me: compassionate letter writing. As soon as Blaskey began to give me the example of where to start with the sentence, ‘My darling, Holly’, I was already welling up and knew my inner child needed support.

Hepburn reminds us that looking after children often leads to forgetting or neglecting our own needs, so it’s about looking after yourself and noticing and responding to your needs – which is not always easy!

I think about how lately I’ve often felt lightheaded, fatigued and managing a shorter fuse than usual, which coincides with the sugar-laden first-time mum life I’ve been living. But Hepburn recommends ensuring we look after our physical needs, too. ‘Hydrating and eating regularly alongside noticing and responding to how you are feeling can be helpful,’ Hepburn explains.

Even stopping to notice how we are feeling can give us clues as to what we need: ‘Feeling lonely might mean you need a phone call with someone you trust; feeling overwhelmed might mean you need to cut back on some things to give yourself more time or space.

‘We can often feel as parents that looking after our needs comes last, when in fact it’s a priority as it enables us to have more capacity and helps us to parent in the way we want to.’

Thomas agrees and adds that we need to begin by identifying our needs and priorities. ‘Practise assertive communication (i.e. learn to say no when necessary),’ she says. ‘Not only is assertive communication essential when it comes to maintaining healthy boundaries, but it is also an important lesson that you can be modelling to your own family and children.’

This idea of modelling better behaviours is a notion echoed by Hepburn, who believes we can build our days around our needs, and not just our children’s. ‘There are a lot of things we believe we should be doing as parents, but we can step back from these shoulds and think about responding in line with our own values instead,’ she explains. ‘This might involve deciding to do things in a different way that is beneficial to you or actively planning activities to nurture yourself. It can also be about asking people to support and help rather than trying to do it all ourselves.’

Prioritise play

It’s not easy to choose rest. There’s always something that needs doing and we’re a society that praises productivity. Brené Brown has famously said that: ‘It takes courage to say yes to rest and play in a culture that sees busy as a status symbol.’

It’s something I’ve tried to actively lean into since my son was born. Pre-motherhood I was all work and no play, and chronically numbing out the pain of shutting out the fun in my life. So, when I became a mother, I vowed to embrace a life of play. But how important is it when nurturing our inner child? According to Hepburn, play, or having fun and enjoyment, is an important factor in our wellbeing.

‘Not only does it increase feel-good emotions and help us relax, it also helps us deal with stress, boosts our health and improves overall life satisfaction,’ she tells me. ‘While play itself brings enjoyment, the anticipation of activities we enjoy can also have a positive impact and improve our mood – so planning enjoyable activities is also good for us.’

‘While we acknowledge how important play is for a child’s development, as we develop into adults and lives become so heavily focused on work and commitments, we stop playing,’ adds Thomas. ‘However, just like children, play is essential for our emotional wellbeing, as it can help relieve stress, improve brain function, boost creativity, improve relationships and connection and improve social skills.’

For Thomas, some opportunities for adult play might include playing with your own children, setting up some board games with family and friends, activities such as bowling, mini golf, karaoke, playing with animals, making jokes and laughing or creating something. I’ve also found that using a phrase my own mum would often say to me: ‘this too shall pass’ – has really helped me and my son during the depths of navigating big feelings.

At the end of each day, I remind him that he is kind, safe, important and loved. Sometimes I think I’m saying it more for myself than him, but I’m trying to be the parent I need as well as the one my son needs.

Meet the experts:

Dr Jade Thomas is a psychologist and founder of Luxe Psychology Practice

Dr Emma Hepburn is a clinical psychologist, author and illustrator. You can find her on Instagram @thepsychologymum