‘I want a healthier relationship, but I keep making the same wrong choices’: 5 ways to break toxic relationship patterns

Words: Amy Mica Marsden. Images: Shutterstock.

If you’ve ever joked you have ‘bad taste’ when it comes to dating, it’s easy to laugh it off or blame yourself. But if you’ve noticed your relationships always seem to follow the same pattern and it’s making you unhappy, don’t worry – there could be a reason behind it.

Terrence the Teacher, a clinical hypnotherapist and mindfulness coach who has worked with stars like Christian Louboutin, says there are things we can do to change these harmful habits.

Why do we repeat the same relationship patterns?

At its core, the brain is an organ that uses a lot of energy – around 20% of our total energy, in fact. Because of this, the brain is hard-wired to save energy wherever possible, especially when making decisions.

In order to make decisions easier and use less energy, ‘the subconscious mind learns through the repetition of patterns,’ says Terrence. ‘…On top of that, the subconscious doesn’t judge our choices in the same way our conscious mind does. If something feels familiar, your subconscious is more likely to keep choosing the same experience, no matter what.’

This means that our subconscious minds stubbornly follow the same established patterns, even when we know that those choices will not be good for us.

Where do these patterns come from?

Terrence believes that the first 8 years of our lives are fundamental in creating many of our beliefs, habits, and patterns, as the subconscious mind absorbs more during our formative years.

‘That said,’ he says, ‘we can learn or form new patterns throughout our lives. All a new habit needs is the repetition of the pattern that represents it. Then, if a strong emotion is connected to the new pattern, it will settle even faster.’

The good news is that it’s possible to break these toxic patterns and establish healthier ones in their place if you have the right tools. Change is always possible.

However, it is not as simple as recognizing it and deciding to change, says Terrence. ‘What makes change difficult is that you not only have to work on the new habit but also consciously avoid feeding the old one. That takes commitment and understanding of how your mind works.’

5 ways to change toxic relationship patterns

You might expect that noticing certain patterns would be enough to change them – but when the same situation comes up again, this thought can lead to frustration and self-doubt. However, Terrence says it’s important to know that there is a breadth of work that must be done to properly adjust.

‘Just being aware isn’t enough for you to change,’ he says, though awareness is necessary to start the process of making changes.

‘You need to understand how your mind works and then put in the work to help it change. It first requires continuously interrupting your old way of thinking and behaving, without judgment (something you learn from mindfulness). Then it takes commitment to taking repetitive actions toward building new habits and patterns.’

So how do we actually change them in the long run? Terrence gives his 5 tips for breaking toxic relationship patterns and establishing healthier ones:

1. Work on yourself first.

A confident, secure individual who lives with present moment awareness has a better chance of making relationships work.

2. Develop a mindful meditation practice.

Meditation has proven to enhance relationship satisfaction. A calmer mind makes better choices even in relationships.

3. Learn to regulate your emotions and reactions.

Take a moment if you need to before responding. If you are more regulated, other people feel less defensive or even intimidated by your reactions.

4. Change and work on how you communicate.

Learn to use kinder words and reflective statements instead of blaming. Blame just creates resistance.

5. Always take responsibility for your choices, your feelings, and your responses.

That way, you feel more in control of your life and less vulnerable.

At the end of the day, Terrence says it’s important to face your learned behaviors if you want to truly change them – though it may feel daunting.

‘People think they should be able to just move on and ignore their feelings. It’s not that straightforward,’ he says.

‘…Just ignoring old feelings and thinking they will just go away is unhealthy and will never work in the long run. Emotions need to be dealt with. Through different types of wellness practices, you should first heal the emotional baggage or damage, which will then make it easier to move forward.’

Terrence the Teacher is a clinical hypnotherapist, mindfulness coach, and NLP practitioner. Find him on Instagram @TerrenceTheTeacher or at terrencetheteacher.com