WORDS: Ali Graves

‘Long before anything that obvious, there can be quieter signs: a partner who is inconsiderate, a little self-serving, or exploitative in small ways that are easy to brush off. 

‘Most of us are taught to watch for the dramatic warning signs, but the ones that actually tell you how someone will treat you tend to be far more subtle. They show up in how a partner handles a boundary, a ‘no’, or a moment when you are at your most vulnerable.

‘Learning to notice them early, before anything escalates, is one of the most useful skills you can bring into your sex life.’

Lisa breaks down four subtle behaviours that are easy to miss in the moment but say a lot about how a partner treats consent, communication, and most importantly, you.

1.’Down for anything’ or a one-side approach

These things can sound easy-going or adventurous, but it often points the other way. Real intimacy, and kink especially, runs on negotiation, clear communication, and explicit consent. Someone who skips all of that may be signalling they do not respect boundaries.

Enthusiasm is a wonderful thing, but genuine enthusiasm comes with an understanding of limits, not an absence of them. The green flag version of an adventurous partner is someone excited to explore and just as eager to hear where your lines are. When curiosity comes packaged with a refusal to talk about boundaries at all, that combination is worth a second look.

‘Sex requires communication, consent, and a dynamic that considers both partners. If you’re talking to someone who only shares their interests without mentioning boundaries or focuses entirely on what they want without saying what they’re interested in providing for a partner, it could be a huge red flag. 

‘Likewise, if someone says they are ‘down for anything’ or has ‘no boundaries’, that doesn’t necessarily mean that’s in your favour. In fact, it could be a warning sign that they don’t respect negotiation and consent, that they’re looking to push limits in a way that could be unsafe, and/or that they’re trying to come off as much more experienced than they actually are. 

‘Sex and kink are infinitely vast, and experiences are unique to our partners – there’s no possible way someone has already tried everything to know that they enjoy all of it. 

The green flag version

A green flag, on the other hand, is a partner who talks openly about what they like and don’t like, asks about yours, and treats a ‘no’ or a ‘not for me’ as useful information rather than a rejection. Good sexual chemistry is built on that kind of two-way conversation, not on one person performing while the other guesses. Consent also isn’t a single yes at the start – it’s an ongoing check-in that both people get to revisit at any point, and a partner who understands that is showing you they can be trusted.’

2.Introducing choking or rough play without asking

More than half of women, around 58%, report having been choked during sex, according to research from Indiana University, and many say they were never actually asked first. 

The red flag here is not the act itself, which plenty of people enjoy, but a partner who reaches for your throat, holds you down, or ramps up the intensity without ever having the conversation. It is worth being clear-eyed about the risks, too, because choking, or more accurately strangulation, restricts blood or air flow and can cause real harm, sometimes with no visible marks and with effects that show up hours later. That is exactly why it should never be improvised or sprung on someone in the heat of the moment. A partner who treats something with genuine physical risk as casual or spontaneous is telling you how seriously they take your safety.

‘Before trying anything new in bed, you need to talk about it first – no matter what the act is, but especially when it involves physical risk. There is nothing wrong with rough play or choking if it is done correctly, consensually, and is something everyone genuinely wants – but this kind of play could be dangerous or triggering, so it should never be a surprise. 

‘A partner who introduces it out of nowhere, or who assumes you are into it because they read about it or saw it in porn, is showing you how they think about consent in general.’

The green flag version

Lisa adds, ‘Someone who talks about it beforehand, checks in during, and treats your comfort as more important than the fantasy. If it is something you both want to explore, the safer approach is to talk it through first, agree on a signal you can use even if you can’t speak, and build up slowly rather than starting intense. Because a verbal safe word isn’t always possible with this kind of play, a clear nonverbal cue like a tap or a gesture matters even more, and a caring partner will insist on having one. 

That same person will check in afterward and would always rather pause to make sure you’re okay than chase the fantasy at any cost.’

3.Guilt-tripping when you say no

A partner who responds to a ‘no’, a ‘not tonight’, or a ‘can we slow down’ with pouting, the silent treatment, or guilt is teaching you that your boundaries come at a cost. On its own, a flash of disappointment is human and not a red flag – what matters is what someone does with that feeling. 

The warning sign is a pattern where your ‘no’ is consistently met with sulking, coldness, or pressure until you give in. That slow erosion is one of the most common forms coercion takes, and it rarely looks dramatic from the outside, which is exactly why it is so easy to miss.

‘This one may not always look like a red flag – it could simply look like disappointment, which is a normal response to not getting what we want. The important part is to pay attention to the pattern, and to what they do with those feelings. 

‘Over time, you may start to learn that it’s easier to just say yes – which is not real consent; it’s being worn down. And because many of us are wired to want to comfort someone we care about, a partner may use their disappointment or guilt-tripping to break down your boundaries and get that coerced ‘yes’ they want. 

‘Real consent is enthusiastic and freely given, so a reluctant ‘fine’ or a ‘yes’ you offered just to end the tension doesn’t really count – and a caring partner doesn’t want that kind of yes anyway. If you ever notice that you’re agreeing to things mainly to avoid a bad reaction, that’s worth paying attention to, and it is always okay to slow things down or stop.’

4.Checking out the second it is over

Plenty of people file this under ‘not a cuddler’, but a partner who goes cold the instant sex ends can leave the other person feeling used, and researchers have linked a lack of aftercare to higher rates of sexual regret. 

That after-sex window is a vulnerable, emotional one for many people, when the body is riding a wave of oxytocin and dopamine that then drops off quickly. That chemical drop-off can leave people feeling suddenly low, anxious, or exposed even after sex that felt great, which is completely normal. A little care in that window helps both people land softly instead of feeling dropped. How someone shows up in those few minutes often says more than anything that came before.

‘Aftercare gets talked about most in kink communities, but the truth is that it matters in every kind of sex, whether it’s a long-term relationship or a one-time thing. Those first few minutes afterward – a check-in, a bit of warmth, even just staying present instead of reaching straight for your phone – can help both people come back down from the emotional and physical intensity of sex feeling good and cared for. 

‘This isn’t about needing to immediately launch into a romantic space after every time you have sex. It’s about whether someone is willing to spare a moment to make sure you’re okay. If a partner consistently skips that check-in or seems uninterested in how you’re feeling afterward, it’s worth paying attention to – it may be the red flag that your comfort isn’t as much of a priority to them as it should be.’

The green flag version

It’s refreshingly simple to spot – a partner who lingers for a moment, asks how you’re feeling, grabs you some water, or just stays warm and present before moving on. 

‘Aftercare looks different for everyone, so the healthiest thing you can do is talk about what helps you feel cared for and ask your partner the same. When both people know what the other needs to come back down feeling good, that closeness tends to carry over into everything else, too.’

Consent is consent – there’s no middle ground

‘The connection between all of the above is simple,’ says Lisa. ‘How a partner treats your boundaries, your comfort, and your voice is the clearest signal you have about who they are. 

‘The most telling red flags are often not the dramatic ones; they are the quiet moments where someone shows you that their wants matter more than yours, that they would rather consider their desires over your limits. This isn’t to say you should always be approaching intimacy with suspicion, and it does not mean that one awkward moment is a dealbreaker. 

‘It means trusting your gut when something feels off, and most importantly, talking about it – remembering that good sex is built on communication, consent, and mutual care. 

Are they a partner worth keeping?

‘You’ll know if they welcome those conversations rather than dodge them, and the way someone responds when you speak up is often the biggest tell of all.’

Pay attention, keep conversations open, and remember that you’re always allowed to change your mind, ask for more, or stop entirely.