Why families get stuck in the same arguments – and how the break the pattern

Arguing with your teenager about screen time? Quarrelling with your partner about the housework? Struggling to communicate as a family? Discover why families get stuck in the same arguments – and how to get out of them.

Disagreements are a normal part of family life. But when the same old arguments keep cropping up, it might start to feel like the situation will never change – even if the whole family wants things to be different. If you want to break the pattern, you need to decode what’s really happening beneath the surface.

Understanding how families function

‘The starting point for understanding circular arguments and how to disrupt them is helping family members understand how families function in general, and then how their own family functions,’ explains Fiona Yassin, family psychotherapist and founder of The Wave Clinic. ‘There’s no perfect family. When that’s brought into awareness, we realise these circular arguments and stuck places are commonplace in all families. Everyone in the family affects everyone else to some degree.’

‘I often use the mobile-over-the-cot analogy,’ she continues. ‘When all the teddy bears are in line and moving evenly, the mobile turns smoothly. But when one or more falls out of line, the whole mobile starts to judder. Families are very much like that.’

But that doesn’t mean it’s time to start pointing fingers. As a family psychotherapist, Fiona has seen first-hand how playing the blame game isn’t necessarily the answer. ‘People often arrive in family therapy believing that one person is holding the problem,’ she explains. ‘But it is usually the family system as a whole that’s signalling a need for understanding, nurturing and change.’

The deeper meaning behind petty arguments

If your family keeps falling out over seemingly mundane, ordinary or even petty situations – such as homework, screen time or tidying up – it might signal that something deeper is going on beneath the surface.

‘Sometimes, the reason why these conversations keep happening – like the towel left on the bathroom floor, the lid left off the toothpaste or the light left on – is because they can be the safest subjects for the family to use to cascade into relational conversations,’ Fiona explains. ‘We shouldn’t pathologise every towel on the floor. But when we get stuck in these loops, it can be representative of other things happening beneath the surface.’

‘From the attachment point of view, what we want to understand is what happens to each individual in the family under relational threat,’ she continues. ‘When the argument happens and that’s perceived as a threat to the relationship dynamics, what position does each member in the family take? Rather than labelling, we’re wanting to understand what the circular argument represents to each person.’

‘An argument about homework, screen time or a towel left on the floor may look practical on the surface, but underneath there can be fear, anxiety, a need for connection, a wish to feel understood, or a struggle to feel secure within the family,’ she adds. ‘For the parent, the deeper feeling may be worry about their child coping, succeeding or being safe. For the child or teenager, it may be pressure, criticism, not feeling good enough, or fearing disconnection from the parent.’

According to Fiona, the frequency of family arguments can have a greater long-term impact than the actual reason behind the argument in the first place. ‘If the family repeatedly ends up in conflict, it erodes the feeling that difficult things can be worked through and resolved together,’ she explains. ‘The emotional experience becomes less about the original issue and more about whether everyone feels safe, heard, valued or connected in this family.’

The role of character traits and stress responses

It’s important to remember that every family is unique. Within each family, the dynamics between different family members will be equally unique, too. And it’s these established dynamics that can lay a strong foundation for repeated clashes.

‘The different personality styles, character traits and attachment systems within the family can evoke particular responses in one another,’ Fiona explains. ‘One person’s anxiety may trigger another person’s defensiveness; one person’s withdrawal may prompt another person to pursue. Over time, the pattern can begin to run almost automatically.’

If a family member consistently reacts in the same way when a particular conflict is brought up, it can make it impossible to move forward. ‘The more pronounced the symptoms or stresses are within the family, the more repetitive and entrenched the conflict can feel,’ Fiona adds. ‘It can become increasingly difficult for the family to move away from these familiar reactions.’

Working out the root cause of your repeated conflict

Sometimes, repeated arguments come down to a communication problem. But other times, you might all be stuck in a deeper, emotional cycle. ‘One of the main signs is that the argument seems to follow a familiar pattern,’ says Fiona. ‘Does the same thing happen each time this conversation comes up? Who tends to take on which role? Who is usually the one to say sorry, and why? When these arguments happen in the house, how do you eventually get out of them? How do things return to normal? And what does “normal” actually look like?’

‘What’s important for the family to understand is: what’s the process underneath this, and what is being enacted and re-enacted here?,’ she continues. ‘The content of the discussion may appear to be the same, but the process underneath can be very different.’

‘A circular argument can become a doorway into the architecture of the family: the roles people fall into, the ways they respond to one another, and the patterns that keep the cycle going,’ she adds.

How to break the pattern of repetitive arguments

‘First, we need to establish a sense of safety within the family system,’ says Fiona. ‘When there’s volatility, arguments and mini explosions – whether they’re firecrackers or much bigger explosions – it can really rock the safety of the whole family. So the first step is to strengthen each member of the family, because that allows the family as a whole to become stronger.’

‘Once we’ve established some safety, we can begin to look at what is happening beneath the surface and ask: can we talk about this differently? Can we move away from the stuckness? We’re essentially inviting the family to try a new skill, and like any new skill, that takes practice,’ she continues. ‘What can look like resistance to change is often a sign that the family doesn’t yet feel safe or stable enough to respond differently.’

Be curious – not confrontational

‘Our job as parents is not to charge into a room and say, “right, we all need to talk about this homework because clearly it means more to you than that”,’ says Fiona. ‘It’s to invite conversation. To wonder and to be curious with the family about why the homework has become so emotionally charged.’

Essentially, rather than letting the subject of the argument continue to be a fiery one, take the time to explore what the argument represents. ‘That might start with some very simple questions: why has this particular subject become so emotionally charged? And why now? What does this represent for each member of the family?’ Fiona suggests. ‘By asking those questions, we can begin to understand what is happening beneath the argument rather than simply trying to resolve the issue on the surface.’

‘Sometimes the most helpful intervention is very small,’ she continues. ‘It might be pausing the conversation for a few minutes, lowering your voice, noticing what you’re feeling and coming back to it when everyone is calmer. Being able to tolerate a little distress is important too. It’s okay not to get everything right. A difficult moment doesn’t mean we’ve failed as parents. It also doesn’t necessarily mean things are going to escalate or that we’ve got something fundamentally wrong. We can hold both things at once: this is difficult, and we can find a way through it.’

‘No family is perfect and absolutely every family has its speed bumps,’ she adds. ‘The goal isn’t to create a family without conflict; it’s to help a family recognise its patterns, slow them down and find its way back to connection more quickly after a disagreement.’

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Fiona Yassin is the founder and international clinical director of The Wave Clinic. A child, adolescent and family psychotherapist, she is an expert in the treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), a specialist in eating disorders, and a complex trauma specialist.