The ADHD bedroom brain: why it can be difficult to concentrate during sex

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Why do some people with ADHD have difficulties when it comes to sex? There is a lot of reasons that come into play here, some of which our experts highlight below:

The wandering mind

According to several experts I spoke too, for someone with ADHD, it can really be easy for the mind to wander during sex.

“You can be attracted to your partner and want to be present, but suddenly you’re thinking about something that happened earlier that day, a noise in the room, or something you need to do tomorrow,” explained Brittany Polansky, Assistant Clinical Director at 1st Step Behavioral health

“The goal shouldn’t be to force yourself to concentrate every second. That can actually create more pressure. Instead, if you notice your mind wandering, try gently bringing your attention back to what you’re feeling in your body. Slow things down, reduce any distractions in the room, and talk openly with your partner.”

This is also something marriage and family therapist Cristy De La Rosa, an ADHD-Certified Clinical Services Provider, points too.

“ADHD doesn’t switch off during sex. Someone who struggles with regulating attention in other parts of their life may also find their mind wandering during intimacy, even when they’re attracted to their partner and enjoying the experience. Distractions, racing thoughts, or suddenly thinking about something completely unrelated can make it difficult to stay present.”

Why being distracted during sex doesn’t mean you are not attracted to your partner

“One of the biggest things I’d want people to understand is that getting distracted during sex doesn’t automatically mean you’re not attracted to your partner,” said Brittany.

“With ADHD, your brain can jump from one thought to another even when you genuinely want to be present. And once you start worrying about why you can’t focus, that pressure can make it even harder. Rather than judging yourself, it can help to notice that your mind wandered and gently bring yourself back to what you’re feeling in the moment.”

In agreement is Cristy, who adds: “It’s also important not to assume that losing focus means you’re not interested in your partner or that something is wrong with the relationship. One solution is reducing distractions and focusing on physical sensations rather than putting pressure on yourself to concentrate. Communicating with your partner can also take some of the pressure off, especially if they understand that your attention wandering isn’t a reflection of how you feel about them.”

Why people with ADHD may have rejection sensitivity during sex

Many men and women with ADHD struggle with focus during sex; and that can come down to rejection sensitivity – a common ADHD trait.

“An often overlooked reason is something called Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD), an intense hyper-awareness and reactivity to perceived rejection, criticism, or negative feedback,” explained Billy Roberts, Founder and Clinical Director of Focused Mind ADHD Counseling.

“Research shows that upwards of 95% of adults with ADHD experience RSD, as it is a feature of the ADHD brain. RSD exists for two reasons: struggles with emotional dysregulation in ADHD brains and decades of criticism ADHD people receive from others.

“RSD impacts sex because it makes many ADHD people hyperaware of their partners’ reactions to them. They can internalize any small motion as disdain for their performance, then become consumed by shame and self-doubt, letting their minds wander into intense self-criticism. All of which pulls them out of the moment. 

“One way to get better at managing RSD is getting comfortable with your own emotions. Learn what you are feeling, why you are feeling it, and share those feelings more often with people you are intimate with. This will ground you more in your body and increase your ability to build intimacy even when not having sex. Research shows that emotional awareness and connection will almost always improve emotional safety, increasing focus and satisfaction during sex.”

Too much or too little stimulation

People with ADHD tend to struggle with either too much or too little stimulation, something that can play out during sex.

According to psychologist and sex therapist Rachel Needle, Co-Founding Director of Modern Sex Therapy Institutes, it runs in both directions.

“Sometimes there isn’t enough happening to hold the brain’s attention, especially when sex has become predictable. And sometimes there is too much, and suddenly a sound, a smell or a texture becomes the only thing the person can notice. Then, a second layer can develop. You notice you’ve drifted, and think ugh, here I go again, and start monitoring yourself instead of feeling pleasure. Now the anxiety becomes yet another distraction.”

A first-person account of someone with ADHD who struggles with sex

To understand what people with ADHD may feel when it comes to sex, we spoke to Dean Cooper, of Icarus Works

“As someone with ADHD, this is something I’ve struggled with myself.

“Ultimately, if you’ve got a full focus on pleasure, then it can be okay. But I find, especially as life gets harder, focus becomes harder too. As you get older, you take on more responsibility – finances, children, work, health, being “more of an adult” – and with that comes more stress and more things sitting in your head.

“If I reflect back on my own life, there were times when I simply had less going on in my brain. You had your social circle, your basic job, dating, and fewer responsibilities. I think these things happened less then. As you get older and you have children, more pressure, more work stress, more moving pieces on the chessboard of your life, I think you are more likely to become distracted. It is almost like your brain is constantly looking at the board and thinking about its next move, even though you are not supposed to be playing that game at that moment.

“You can be completely locked into the moment, but it can take something tiny — a flash in the corner of your eye, something over someone’s shoulder, your eyes glancing away for a second — and suddenly the rhythm of the whole thing changes.

It’s a bit like dancing.

“Two people are trying to connect, move together and stay in rhythm. But if one person suddenly gets distracted by a light in the corner, or their mind jumps somewhere else, the timing can go out. Once the rhythm goes, the flow can start to break as well, and that can lead to questions, awkwardness and disconnection afterwards.

“I think it’s very similar with relationships and sex when you have ADHD.

“It doesn’t matter whether you’re a man or a woman. The core issue is the same: presence, connection and staying engaged in the moment.

“For men, distraction can sometimes then lead to things like reduced arousal or erectile dysfunction, especially if the mind then starts going, “What if this happens again?” and that thought becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. For women, it may not show up in exactly the same physical way, but it can still affect involvement in the moment, enjoyment, arousal or simply feeling connected to the person they’re with. ADHD can knock two people out of rhythm without meaning that either of them has lost their desire.

“The best way to deal with any dance partner is to explain your style, your habits, what can happen, who you are, your passion and reason for dancing — but also some of the things that might trip you up before you even start.”

Do men and women with ADHD experience the same issues when it comes to struggling with sex?

“Both men and women can experience it, but I wouldn’t divide it too simply, because people vary a lot, and the research isn’t strong enough to say, this is what happens to men and this is what happens to women,” explained Rachel Needle.

“The differences may have more to do with how distraction shows up in the body and what people have been taught about sex. One person may lose an erection when attention wanders, and because men are often taught they should always be ready for sex and that an erection is what means you are ready, that can quickly turn into shame and performance anxiety. Another person may stay physically aroused but find that orgasm keeps slipping further away every time their attention wanders. And by the way, orgasm is does not have to be the goal of sex so focusing on just showing up and being present to experience arousal is a great goal.

For women, inattentive ADHD symptoms have historically been easier to miss. Hyperactivity doesn’t always look like someone who can’t sit still. It can feel internal, like having a very busy mind with multiple thoughts competing for attention. Research in women has found an association between greater inattentive ADHD symptoms and less consistent orgasm.

Hormones may matter too, as some women report changes in ADHD symptoms across the menstrual cycle and during perimenopause, so it’s worth considering the bigger hormonal picture when someone notices that both attention and sexual functioning seem to change at particular times.”

Some tips for people with ADHD to enjoy sex more comfortably

Below, Rachel Needle offers her advice:

“Some things that can help include: First, stop treating wandering attention as a sexual failure. Notice that your mind has wandered and bring it back to sensation without getting upset with yourself for having left. And don’t just try harder to concentrate. Change the conditions and try to figure out, preferably outside the bedroom, whether your brain tends to need more stimulation or less. More might mean novelty, changing positions, music, fantasy, talking, toys or different kinds of touch. Less might mean a quieter room, putting the phone somewhere else, reducing visual clutter or focusing on one kind of sensation at a time. It can also help to give yourself a bridge into sex rather than expecting your brain to go from 60 to zero. That could include taking a shower, getting into bed without your phone, or simply spending a few unhurried minutes together before anything sexual happens.

“Talk about it with your partner(s) outside the bedroom too. Let them know that if they can understand that when your mind wanders is does not mean you are not enjoying them or the activity, it can take a lot of pressure off all partners.

“ADHD medication can play a part as well, and it can go in either direction. Some people find it easier to stay present during sex once their ADHD is treated, while others notice changes in desire, arousal or orgasm. If something changed when you started or changed a medication, talk to your Doctor rather than stopping it on your own. For good sex you don’t have to try to force your brain to be like other peoples. What is important is that you learn Good sex isn’t about allows your particular brain and body to stay connected to pleasure.”