How can I be honest with my friend about her relationship?

Our agony aunt Mary Fenwick offers a new perspective on whatever is troubling you

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How can I be honest with my friend about her relationship?

Q. My friend recently got back together with a terrible, terrible ex, who has repeatedly used her and broken her heart. She never seems to learn from her romantic experiences and, while I have been supportive in the past, I no longer feel able to do so. As a result, I have been avoiding her.

We were an odd pairing to begin with, with little in common other than our tendency to think too deeply. I have thought about writing to her to explain how I feel, but I donโ€™t want to upset her. I donโ€™t want to cut off all contact either; friends have done these things to me in the past, and it took years for me to get over it. I find conflict terribly difficult to deal with and have great anxiety about it.

I canโ€™t see a way out without hurting her โ€“ which I donโ€™t want to do โ€“ and I donโ€™t know where to go from here. Name supplied

A. Sometimes, we donโ€™t quite know how we are feeling until we say the words out loud, write them down, or recognise them in someone else.

Perhaps you believe something like, โ€˜If I take care of this person for long enough, then sooner or later they will take care of me in returnโ€™? I have to say that this can be a trap for me, too. We canโ€™t fix things for other people and they canโ€™t fix us. Itโ€™s a pattern of behaviour where we act as if our needs donโ€™t matter and itโ€™s all about the other person.

If you are interested in background theory about the role of a โ€˜rescuerโ€™ and how to transform it into something more useful, then look at the Karpman Drama Triangle and the Winnerโ€™s Triangle. Please take it from me that you have total permission to limit your contact with anyone who drains your goodwill. I have faith that this mini-crisis will help you learn a lot about setting limits, in the best possible way.

Mary Fenwick is a business coach, journalist, fundraiser, mother, divorcรฉe and widow. Follow Mary on Twitter @MJFenwick. Got a question for Mary? Email mary@psychologies.co.uk, with โ€˜MARYโ€™ in the subject line.

Photograph: iStock

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