Want more emotional connection in the bedroom?  These are the simple things you can do to feel closer to your partner

From flirting with your partner during the day to having deeper, more meaningful conversations, emotional connection can play an important role in intimacy. Our experts reveal the simple things couples can do to feel closer – both inside and outside the bedroom.

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How sex is initiated can help explain why certain forms of foreplay work for some people but not for others. Some may need a slower, less direct build-up to intimacy, while others prefer a more spontaneous and direct approach.

But intimacy doesn’t necessarily begin when you get into bed. The way couples communicate, flirt, support one another and show affection throughout the day can all help build emotional connection and desire.

So, if you’re looking to bring more intimacy into your relationship, these expert-approved ideas could be worth trying.

Remember to be lovers, not just partners

Couples Sex and Intimacy Coach Irene Fehr says one of the challenges of a long-term relationship is that couples can become so focused on the practicalities of everyday life that they forget to nurture their romantic and emotional connection.

“In a long-term relationship, even though couples believe that they’re in a romantic partnership, they often forget to be lovers. Their daily activities centre on practical matters requiring partnership, rarely leaving space for them to connect heart to heart.

“We associate being passionate and engaged lovers with romance at the beginning of a relationship or as part of a love affair — but once that initial passion wanes and ‘real life’ takes over, we forget to nourish this aspect of the relationship. And nourishment it needs.”

The good news is that this doesn’t have to involve elaborate dates or grand romantic gestures.

“To be lovers, you have to act like lovers — and that must be done with intention and commitment every day. There is no need for grand gestures of intimacy. Think lots of tiny moments, often.”

Send a message that makes them feel wanted

One of Irene’s suggestions is using messages throughout the day to maintain an emotional connection.

“Flirting via connected texts. Send a text that you’re thinking about each other — and connect to what your partner is doing or experiencing. For example: ‘I am thinking about you and imagining how thrilled you are right now to catch up with your friends.’ Or ‘I am thinking about you as you tackle this hard project. Imagine me behind you, supporting you, you got this!’

“It’s like your partner is reaching out to you to ‘touch’ your heart.”

Sensual messages can also help couples maintain physical intimacy and emotional connection when they’re apart.

“Send sensual texts: Connect by painting a picture of how you might be feeling each other physically. For example, it could be that you can still feel your partner’s lips on yours from the morning kiss. Or you can still remember the smell of their skin after the shower that morning and it brings you shivers. Or that you can imagine and feel their arms tightly wrapped around you.”

Another option is simply telling your partner that you miss them.

“Send longing texts: Connect by sharing what you long for. For example: ‘I am longing to be in your arms when I see you tonight.’ Or ‘I am so craving to be next to you in bed after this long day’.”

Irene describes this willingness to reveal your feelings and desires as a form of “emotional nakedness”, which can help strengthen intimacy.

Build anticipation throughout the day

Sex and relationship psychotherapist Sarah Sumner also believes anticipation can be an important part of desire.

“Desire needs anticipation. Even the anticipation of something good releases dopamine, so a flirty text at 2pm means your partner’s body is already responding hours before anyone gets touched.

“Specificity is what makes it land. ‘I love watching you ___’ does something a generic compliment never will.”

In other words, emotional foreplay doesn’t necessarily begin minutes before sex. It can start hours earlier through small moments that remind your partner you’re thinking about them.

Take something off their to-do list

Emotional foreplay isn’t all flirting and romantic messages. Sarah says one of the most powerful things you can do is notice when your partner is overloaded – and help without being asked.

“The sexiest emotional foreplay I see in my practice is taking over the mental load. When one partner relies on the other for emotional regulation and for running the household, you slide into a parent-child dynamic nobody consented to, which kills eroticism.

“Nobody wants to sleep with someone they parent. Noticing the dishwasher and just handling it can do more for setting the scene than a hundred compliments or fancy vacations.”

Talk about what you actually want

Talking openly about sex and intimacy can feel vulnerable, but Sarah believes those conversations are important for emotional connection.

“Start talking outside the bedroom about what you want to deepen emotional foreplay. Naming what you want sexually means letting your partner see your desire without knowing what they’ll do with it. That’s vulnerable. In a safe relationship, vulnerability is hot.”

For couples who struggle to put their preferences into words, she says other forms of communication can help.

“Some couples I work with use romance novels for this, reading to each other before intimacy or gifting books as a way of sharing preferences they don’t have words for yet.”

And don’t underestimate something as simple as looking at one another.

“Once the clothes come off, it can be as simple as eye contact and your partner narrating what they notice about you. Being watched while you’re really feeling something, with someone you trust to see you? How erotic.”

However, Sarah cautions against turning emotional intimacy into another relationship chore.

“One caution: the moment emotional foreplay becomes another box to tick, it stops working. Pressure and expectations in the bedroom aren’t sexy!”

Remember that intimacy can start at breakfast

Relationship coach Michele Christensen, founder of Our Legacy Love, encourages couples to broaden their definition of foreplay altogether.

“The word foreplay centres penetration. It categorizes everything else as ‘not sex.’ Reverse that, and you see that intimacy starts at breakfast, is cultivated when you walk through the door at the end of the day, and includes everything you do and don’t do to nurture the relationship and your own well-being.

“The erotic spark and the fun of intercourse are built on each of those moments… or killed by their absence.”

Her advice includes giving your partner an enthusiastic welcome when you see them.

“Greet your partner the way a dog would. Or imagine they’ve been lost at sea but have now returned and bring that level of enthusiasm.”

And while scheduling sex can sometimes feel decidedly unromantic, Michele says looking forward to intimacy can be part of the fun.

“Calendaring sex is often a turnoff. But anticipation is one of the greatest turn-ons, so planning for your next intimate encounter is a kind of foreplay.”

Bring more playfulness into your relationship

Clinical sexologist and couples counsellor Ness Cooper says couples shouldn’t forget the importance of simply having fun together.

“Explore play. When we think about play as adults, we often associate it with sexual play, however there are times when we need to allow for other forms of play and playfulness.

“This may be doing something competitive like a game together. We can often forget the simpleness of play.”

Playing a game, dancing, being silly together or introducing some friendly competition can all create moments of connection that have nothing directly to do with sex.

Respond when your partner reaches out

Ness also recommends paying attention to your partner’s “bids for connection” – those everyday moments when they try to engage with you.

“Respond to bids for connection. It may not be the type of connection which is important, rather it could be simply the importance of responding to bids for connection.

“When our partner’s give out bids for connection, whether they are starting a conversation or inviting the idea of date nights, they are looking to be seen and listened to. These can also be translated to feeling wanted, which in turn can lead to them reciprocating wanting you.”

Make more eye contact

When was the last time you really looked at your partner?

“Eye contact has been proven to increase oxytocin which can then amplify connection but also help enhance libido,” says Ness.

She also recommends mirroring one another’s body language and communication.

“Body language mirroring has been shown to increase closeness. This is why dance can be an amazing way to connection.

“The same can also be said about mirroring communication, when we mirror back parts of conversations it can make us feel understood, safe, and help build positive neurological connections with the position.”

Create rituals that belong to the two of you

Developing your own relationship rituals can also help create a sense of closeness.

“When I say rituals, these are activities on values you have merged together to help make something you and your partner can relate to and bring you closer regularly,” explains Ness.

These rituals don’t have to be elaborate. They could involve a regular date night, a weekend walk, cooking together or another activity that has particular meaning to you as a couple.

Revisit your happiest memories together

Finally, Ness recommends looking backwards as well as forwards.

“Exploring nostalgic moments together. So many couples forget about this, particularly when times are tough. But bringing past events and connections into the present can not only help you grow further connection in the present it can also work as a form of gifting positive strokes to one another.”

Remembering a brilliant holiday, your first date or another meaningful experience can remind you of the history you’ve built together.

“Nostalgia can also help release feel-good-hormones which can lead to closeness.”

Ultimately, emotional foreplay isn’t about following a rigid set of rules. It’s about creating regular moments in which both partners feel noticed, valued and wanted – whether that’s through a flirty text, taking care of a household job, sharing a memory or simply giving each other your undivided attention.