Don’t get triggered by your mother

1. Dealing with general criticism

Your mother says: ‘There’s a lot of dust in your house. I know you work, but your family needs a clean home.’

You say: ‘Mum, this is my house. I’m comfortable with my housekeeping. If there’s an issue, I’ll deal with it.’

2 Personal criticism

Your mother says: ‘I wish you wouldn’t wear your hair like that – it makes you look fat.’

You say (calmly): ‘Mum, it’s my hair and I’m happy with the way it looks. It’s hurtful to me that you say this.’

3. Over-neediness

Your mother says: ‘I need you to phone me every day. I could have a heart attack and you wouldn’t know. What would people think?’

You say: ‘If you’re really worried about this Mum, there’s an easy solution – we could buy you an emergency safety alarm to wear.’

4. Controlling behaviour

Your mother says: ‘You should tell your daughter to do her homework on a Friday.’

You say: ‘We work out her homework schedule together. You don’t need to be concerned about it.’

5. Manipulation

Your mother says: ‘What do you mean you’re not coming for Christmas? You know how hard I work cooking. We always have Christmas here. How could you do this to me?’

You say: ‘It’s important for us to spend time with the other side of the family, too. The holidays will be different from time to time.’

Photograph: Bernd Vogel/Corbis