Do you know your partner’s money mindset? 8 ways to make financial conversations easier and less stressful

Words: Caroline Butterwick. Images: Shutterstock.

Like many, I grew up with the idea that we just don’t talk about money, an opinion often delivered with a very disapproving look. That sharing how much you earn, or how much you spent on something, or what your ambitions are, just isn’t the done thing.

But money is a key part of our lives — everything from how much we bring in, to what we spend it on, and any debts we have. ‘We just seem to have this understanding that it’s rude to talk about money, and you never ask anybody else any questions,’ says Sara Jane Maxwell, a certified professional financial coach and founder of Wealth Coach, who regularly supports couples.

She explains that we can feel like everyone else is doing really well, when actually there may be anything from inheritance to debt that’s helped your friend pay for that dream holiday you keep seeing photos of. Maxwell says this lack of openness can then add to our sense of shame if our life doesn’t add up this way.

‘People tend to really heavily label themselves, and then they feel like they can’t share, because they’re going to get found out.’ Feeling this way can make it harder to talk honestly about money with our partner.

‘When people carry shame about decisions, it makes them less likely to share with their partner information that they hold pretty deeply around money,’ Maxwell explains. ‘And of course, when two people mash together and form a relationship, they’ve generally got totally different attitudes to risk, totally different family backgrounds and understanding of things.’

But being able to talk about money with our partner can be incredibly important. Financial difficulties can lead to conflict in relationships, and being able to build trust about the topic can help you navigate any financial challenges with fairness and honesty. Recognising how difficult it can be, Maxwell shares some of her key tips for talking to your partner about money.

1. Self-reflection

First, we need to think about our own relationship with money. ‘Sometimes, if I have a couple who have been together for a long time, they’ll really talk about each other’s issues, but not be as quick to talk about their own,’ says Maxwell. Our backgrounds can shape our attitude to money (our ‘money mindset’) so much.

For example, you may be very keen on saving, which is generally seen as positive. However, it may stem from a place of insecurity, which means you find it hard to justify spending on ‘nice’ things for yourself, as well as feeling frustrated when your partner has a different approach. Realising all this can help you recognise your own beliefs and behaviours around finances and how this influences the way you communicate about money.

2. Understanding each other’s communication preferences

We all like to communicate in different ways, and understanding this within a relationship can help make conversations about important topics easier. ‘Try asking, “How is our communication right now?”’ says Maxwell. ‘And try to work on that before you go into any of the heavier details.’

She gives the example of saying ‘I find it challenging when you speak to me about money first thing in the morning, because I feel like when I’ve just woken up, it stresses me out for the day. I’d love it if we could find a time that works for both of us.’ This is about communicating your needs and being open, using an ‘I’ statement so it isn’t accusatory.

3. Don’t start big

Particularly if you’re in a new relationship, or you and your partner aren’t used to talking to each other about money, going in and asking ‘big’ questions about finances can make it harder. ‘But you can start with some of the smaller questions around things like, “How did your parents treat money when you were younger?”’ says Maxwell.

4. Understand their money mindset

Having a non-judgemental conversation about what may have influenced your partner’s — and your own — approach to money can help your relationship. ‘You can understand them so much better when you appreciate that some of these beliefs have been handed to them because of patterns they’ve seen or experiences that they’ve had,’ says Maxwell.

‘It’s far easier to give somebody a bit of space with something if, say, you feel like your partner is really tight with money, and you just wish they were more generous. If you found out that in their past, their parents had been bankrupt, or something significant had happened, it would make it so much easier for you to understand why they like to make sure they have savings.

‘There’s just something in being able to understand what feeds into each other’s patterns of behaviour, so that you’re coming from support rather than judgement.’

5. Recognise your shared goals

While you and your partner may have different ideas around money, it can be useful to think about what the real purpose is of being able to communicate with each other about finances. ‘If you focus on the goal and the outcome, what could that then lead to?’ Maxwell says.

‘To give an example, it could be: “If we work on this, and we get our finances the way that we want them to be, and we pay down the debt, it might mean that next year we can go on that holiday that we really want to go on”, or “It would feel fantastic to be able to go into a new year with savings instead of debt.” What’s the wish, the reason, why you want to do this work together? That’s a starting point.’

6. Set ‘Money Dates’

Maxwell suggests the idea of setting a regular ‘money date’ to talk about money with your partner. She recommends deciding on a time together, and trying to be quite specific and making a habit of it — say, the first Sunday of the month at 3pm. These sessions don’t need to be too long — starting with around 15–20 minutes can be enough.

She recommends prioritising each time by picking something to get done together, congratulating each other, and doing something fun so you start to create the habit in a way that feels good. Beforehand, it can help to ask yourself what’s on your mind, what’s stressing you out at the moment, and how this would look in a perfect world.

‘Then there’s that real sharing and listening to each other, because your desires are probably not always going to be the same. There is going to need to be a level of compromise,’ she says.

Money dates can include things like checking in and discussing your current situation, setting goals together, or tackling things that need doing together — like cancelling those unneeded subscriptions that have crept up, or finding a better savings account. Don’t try to tackle everything at once — agree what you’ll do in each session.

7. Try not to judge

‘Try really hard not to judge each other and not to judge yourself, because with judgement just comes remaining stuck,’ says Maxwell. ‘It’s about trying to work with curiosity. It’s trying to look at the past and asking, “How do I learn from it?” It’s helping each other to change in a positive way that’s going to lead to some really good outcomes for both of you.’

8. Celebrate each other

When conversations about money feel inherently heavy, we can forget to celebrate our wins. Maxwell recommends asking yourselves as a couple how you would like to celebrate your progress. That could involve asking each other how you would like to be congratulated when something goes well — whether it’s around things like telling friends about it, or simply some kind words of acknowledgement that recognise what you’ve both achieved.

Understanding financial abuse in relationships

It’s important to acknowledge that financial abuse can happen in relationships. This can include things like a partner controlling how you spend your money or how you access your accounts.

There’s information on financial abuse, including what it may look like and ways to stay safe, at moneyhelper.org.uk. If you don’t feel safe talking to your partner about money or are concerned about their behaviour, please look into the advice or seek support in a way that’s safe for you.

Sara Jane Maxwell is a certified professional financial coach and founder of Wealth Coach. She empowers individuals, couples, groups and organisations to find joy and growth in connecting to their money and future. She runs ‘Couples Talk Money’ coaching sessions designed specifically for couples. wealth-coach.co.uk