Is it love or love bombing? The signs to look out for when affection and attention become overwhelming

Words: Yasmina Floyer. Images: Shutterstock.

I would say I have quite an intimate friendship with my friend Katrina, who lives in Maine, with an ocean dividing us. Hugs are not possible for us, yet we have confided in one another, built deep trust, made time and space for each other, frequently message, FaceTime, and voice-note. We know each other’s families, we’ve shared hopes together, and grieved together. We also make each other laugh so hard that on occasion, I have had to take my shirt off from the sheer effort. So far, I have taken my shirt off on five FaceTimes and counting…

A dynamic such as this can create really close bonds, but like everything in life, there is a real Goldilocks balance between the right amount of something, and too much of it. We all know what it feels like when intimacy tips into overwhelm, when touch feels too much, when texts are too frequent, when calls feel incessant. In some cases, what starts as genuine care can quickly tip into something overwhelming, a phenomenon sometimes referred to as ‘love bombing’.

While often associated with romantic relationships, love bombing can happen in any dynamic — be it a parent who’s overly possessive, a friend who’s too intense, or a partner who showers us with constant affection in a way that feels more like control than care.

When love bombing occurs, it’s easy to mistake it for genuine love or concern. But when the attention becomes excessive — whether in the form of endless texting, surprise visits, or unsolicited emotional outpouring — it can quickly go from flattering to exhausting — and increasingly toxic. An overly possessive parent might invade our personal space with unrelenting phone calls or attempts to control our decisions.

A friend who is too intense might expect us to be available at all times, share every thought or feeling, or rely on us for constant emotional support. Instead of feeling loved, we might begin to feel trapped, depleted, or even resentful.

In any relationship, there’s a delicate balance between showing care and giving space. But when that balance shifts too far — when the desire for closeness becomes overwhelming — it can make us question whether the relationship is really about mutual respect and love, or whether we’re simply fulfilling someone else’s need for validation, control, or worse.

Psychosexual and relationship therapist Lucy Frank tells me that in her experience, intimacy is often framed as something we should want more of — more communication, more touch, more closeness, more connection — but that the reality is that even in the most loving relationships, intimacy can become too much.

‘I see this all the time in my clinic as people navigate the complexity of wanting “togetherness” whilst trying to hold on to their need for individualisation; it’s a dichotomy. And this isn’t limited to romantic partnerships. Family, friends, colleagues, even the people we adore the most can unintentionally overwhelm us.’

Frank reminds us that closeness needs breathability, so when we are feeling overwhelmed, it can be our nervous system trying to tell us something important, such as letting us know it has hit capacity.

‘Intimacy — emotional or physical — requires regulation. Even wanted closeness can become overstimulating when our emotional bandwidth is low, our stress levels are high, or we simply haven’t had enough time to reset and be alone.’

Frank shares that mismatched intimacy needs can also cause overwhelm since human beings vary hugely in the amount of closeness they can comfortably hold. ‘Some thrive on constant contact; others function best with space and quiet.’ She says this largely comes down to a combination of nature and nurture; a parent that showered their child with a lot of love and affection, or needed a lot of closeness, may create an adult who later seeks distance as a way to regulate that early overwhelm.

I catch up with Dr Sophie Mort, a clinical psychologist and Sunday Times Bestselling Author of (Un)Stuck: Five steps to break bad habits and get out of your own way (Simon & Schuster, £10.99), and the UK mental health expert for Headspace. She tells me that overwhelm can be calculated based on a simple equation: intimacy becomes overwhelming when the level or pace of closeness exceeds an individual’s emotional capacity or regulation bandwidth.

‘Overwhelm often emerges when there is sustained high-intensity contact without natural pauses, when expectations for responsiveness are mismatched, or when physical touch or emotional availability is requested at a level one person cannot comfortably sustain.’ Think frequent messaging, constant check-ins, prolonged physical closeness, heightened emotional intensity or a lack of autonomy.

Seen this way, we can begin to understand that overwhelm is not typically a sign of disinterest, but a signal that the nervous system is operating beyond its threshold.

There have been days when I am on my own, working from home, and come the evening I am completely shattered. I may not have physically seen another person, yet somehow, I am left feeling exhausted.

When I take a moment to reflect, I realise that whilst I may not have seen anyone, I did receive many intense messages and voice notes throughout the day and a video call for work which ended up taking up more time than expected and involving the sharing of personal trauma that I was entirely unprepared for. No wonder then that all this left me feeling like I didn’t want to speak to another person for at least 24 hours.

Dr Mort explains that common physiological and emotional indicators of this sort of overwhelm include increased tension, irritability, fatigue and a desire to withdraw. ‘Individuals may notice restlessness, headaches, reduced concentration or a sense of being overstimulated.

‘Emotionally, overwhelm may present as resentment, dread, guilt, or a sudden drop in tolerance for interaction. Behavioural signs often include delayed responses, reluctance to engage, or difficulty maintaining presence in conversations.’ She says these cues function as early warning signals that personal capacity is being exceeded and that adjustment is needed.

Aside from physical responses to intimacy, Frank speaks to me about how a fear of identity loss can be one of the biggest factors leading to overwhelm. ‘For many of us, closeness can mean losing parts of ourselves or becoming engulfed with the values and emotions of another.’
Continuous exposure and emotional intensity without let-up can exhaust even the most relational person, so how do we re-establish boundaries? I ask Dr Mort if there are conversations we ought to be having in order to reclaim our space.

‘Clear and proactive communication is associated with healthier relational regulation,’ she says. ‘It’s helpful to articulate needs in concrete terms, such as specifying preferred pacing of contact, identifying times for solitude, or clarifying boundaries around physical and emotional availability. Effective boundary setting uses language that is direct, neutral and specific.’

Giving them a warning

The thought of having such a conversation may feel daunting, but Frank emphasises that re-establishing boundaries is not a withdrawal of care but an adjustment that allows closeness to remain sustainable. When communicated early and consistently, boundaries reduce misunderstandings and can actually protect both individuals’ capacity for connection. But when tensions run high and people are already feeling fractious, it can be difficult to know how to ask for space without alienating the person you’re speaking to.

Dr Mort suggests framing the conversation in a manner that focuses on the actions rather than the person. ‘A conversation could involve saying, “When x happens, I tend to get overwhelmed. I have always experienced this kind of thing (as in it’s me, not you), and going forward, can we do Y instead.” You could also ask if there is anything the other person needs you to do so that your relationship feels good for them, too.’

Revealing real red flags

But what if after all the attempts to rebalance, we continue to find ourselves in an overwhelming dynamic? Dr Mort says this suggests a relational mismatch or a lack of reciprocity in accommodating needs.

‘In such cases it may be necessary to implement firmer limits, reduce frequency of contact or create defined periods of space. Ongoing overwhelm can indicate that the other party struggles to regulate their own attachment needs or to respect relational boundaries.’ For the individual seeking relief, she highlights the importance of prioritising psychological safety and wellbeing and, when appropriate, to consider whether the relationship requires restructuring or increased distance.

For intimacy to thrive, we need to be aware of what we want and need, and to be mindful of these needs as well as the needs of those with whom we hope to build and maintain intimacy. At the heart of it all, intimacy becomes overwhelming not because something is wrong with us or with the relationship, but because closeness without space eventually collapses in on itself.

Frank leaves me with the parting thought that relationships become richer when we can say, ‘I love being close to you, and I also need room to come back to myself.’ This is ultimately in the best interest of ‘us’.

Behaviours That Can Feel Overwhelming

■ Emotional behaviours — too much affection
■ Practical or relational behaviours — too much planning
■ Physical behaviours — too much touching
■ Energetic behaviours — too much ‘doing’

What Tells Us Our Body Is Becoming Overwhelmed?

■ Physical signs: tight chest, shallow breathing, fatigue.
■ Emotional signs: irritability, numbness, guilt.
■ Behavioural signs: avoiding messages, cancelling plans.
■ Nervous system cues: fight, flight, freeze, fawn.

The experts

Lucy Frank is a psychosexual and relationship therapist who helps individuals, couples and poly-dynamics overcome the barriers that hold them back from living satisfying, sex-positive lives, and from having meaningful, deeply connective relationships. She works at The Thought House Partnership. She is also host of the podcast, Sex Tells. theyxologist.co.uk

Dr Sophie Mort is a clinical psychologist, Sunday Times bestselling author, and UK mental health expert for Headspace. She consults to leading organisations, media, and Catherine, Princess of Wales. Her bestselling books, including A Manual For Being Human, cement her place as a leading voice in psychology.