The pay-rise mistake many women make: 6 expert tips for pushing past impostor syndrome and increasing your salary

Words: Anne Fletcher. Images: Shutterstock.

An old colleague of mine was absolutely amazing when it came to salary negotiations. She’d set her stall out, go in all guns blazing, and a few minutes later she’d come out with a few extra thousand in her pay packet. I watched her do it more than once, desperately trying to pick up tips on how to manage the process… It never worked.

But if, like me, and many other women, you would rather go to the dentist for some serious root-canal work than ask for a rise, all is not lost. Here we’ve spoken to three experts to find out when, how and what to ask for in salary negotiations — so you can feel confident asking for what you deserve. ‘Understanding how to ask for a pay rise is such an important skill,’ says life-direction coach Jessica Silva.

‘As a coach, it is something I often work with my clients on. And having been a senior manager in corporate, I have also been on the receiving end of such requests and seen how some people make it impossible to say no, and others miss the mark completely.’

‘For women in particular, asking for a pay rise often brings up self-doubt,’ says self-development expert Sarah Farmer. It’s true. The latest stats say that a third of women don’t have the confidence to ask for a rise, compared to only a fifth of men. So how do we help ourselves become ‘pay-rise confident’? Before you fire off that meeting request to your manager, there are a few steps you need to follow…

1. Do your research

‘Find out what people in similar roles are earning, both inside and outside your company,’ says Silva. ‘Sites like Glassdoor or industry-specific salary surveys can be helpful. Understanding your market value gives you confidence going into the conversation, helps set realistic expectations, and arms you with evidence.

‘Don’t forget non-salary benefits: flexible working, job title, training opportunities, or extra holiday might also matter to you. If your ideal salary isn’t possible, know in advance what else you’d consider a win. This gives you more tools to play with in the negotiation process.’

2. Build currency

‘You have to work on building your performance currency AND relationship currency at work,’ says business psychologist and executive coach KK Harris. ‘Quite often, people get caught up in the “doing” — their performance currency.

They’re just working, working, working. But they’ve not built a network, they don’t have friends or advocates in the office, so they don’t have any relationship currency. This means nobody’s talking or thinking about you when you’re not in the room. You’re playing yourself small by not making an impression.

‘If your performance currency is not high, and you haven’t formed any workplace relationships, that manager you’re asking for a pay rise is going to say no. But if your performance currency speaks for itself, and you’ve got other people advocating for you and celebrating you, you’re probably going to be one of the lucky ones.’

Depending on your personality, that kind of behaviour can feel challenging, agrees Farmer, but there are ways round it. ‘Many women find that asking for a pay rise can feel uncomfortable; confidence gaps and imposter syndrome often creep in.

However, it’s essential to remember that this is not just about self-belief; it’s also about strategy.  ‘The best approach is to make sure a pay rise is never a surprise. Use your mid-year or end-of-year reviews to clarify what you expect and deserve and what you need to deliver for the answer to be “yes”. Get this agreement written down. That way, you know the goalposts and it won’t get forgotten or misconstrued over time.

‘In the months leading up to the conversation, don’t assume your work speaks for itself; it rarely does. Too many women under-communicate their wins. Make sure decision-makers consistently hear about the value you’re adding and that you’ve achieved the agreed targets. This primes their brains so that, when you ask, it feels like the obvious outcome.’

3. Prepare and practice

‘Don’t wing it,’ advises Silva. ‘Emotional discomfort and wanting to get the conversation over with quickly is one of the most common things that will stop you from being successful in your endeavour.

Practise what you want to say, ideally with a friend roleplaying your manager. Try out different ways of asking. Rehearsing the key points out loud helps reduce anxiety and stops you rushing and missing your key points. ‘And don’t apologise or minimise your request. This isn’t a favour; it’s a fair, professional conversation.

Think about how your manager prefers to communicate and tailor your approach accordingly.’ Now you’re feeling prepared, it is time to book that meeting — and make it clear what you want to discuss, so they’re not caught off guard.

‘This gives them time to gather relevant information, making a “yes” more likely,’ says Silva. ‘Springing the discussion on them might sound tempting, but it’s unlikely to get the result you want.’ 

4. Manage the moment.

‘Before the meeting, take a few deep breaths to settle your nerves,’ says Silva. ‘Speak clearly and calmly. Present your case: why you believe a raise is justified, and what similar roles are paid. If you’re asking for significantly more, use a slightly higher figure as a starting point (also known as an anchor) to give room for negotiation.

‘Once you’ve made your case, stop talking. Silence can feel uncomfortable, but resist the urge to fill the space. Give your manager the opportunity to respond. You will learn much more by really listening to their answer than if you are planning your next argument.’

5. Have a courageous conversation

Harris agrees that if you’ve done your preparation thoroughly, you can go in confidently and ask for what you deserve. ‘Tell them exactly what pay rise you want. Bring up your last performance review.

Prove that you’re on track and delivering. Then, ask if it’s in the budget. ‘Whatever the conversation, you’re going to have to be courageous. Conversations about money are some of the scariest conversations we have – but they’re usually only scary because most people haven’t done their research.

Things like the annually reported gender and race pay gaps – have you looked into it? Does it apply to you or your workplace? ‘Without the knowledge, you go in fearful. Come with a number supported by research and you’ll be bolder. Mental leverage comes with knowing your value.’

6. Be constructive and open

‘Stay calm and professional,’ says Silva. ‘If you feel flustered, have a strategy to stay grounded like lightly pressing your thumb and finger together or touching your hand to your leg.

Ask open questions to keep the conversation going. If the full raise isn’t possible, explore other options that would be valuable to you. Your manager may want to offer something, help them help you.

Also, be patient, they may not have the authority to say “yes” immediately and need to advocate for you with HR or senior management after the meeting.’

And if you’re not successful this time, keep on pushing, says Harris. ‘There are budgets, timelines, things that businesses might need to organise and adhere to — but don’t give up. Ask for an estimated timeline. Then, immediately drop a calendar invite to your manager to schedule your next review. This is your life, and your career. Be persistent.’ 

If being so overt about your intentions feels difficult, don’t worry, it’s challenging for most of us. But Farmer also shares it’s important to look inwards at why you’re finding it hard.

‘Do you genuinely believe you deserve the increase?’ she asks. ‘If your inner voice says ‘I’m not ready’ or ‘I’m not good enough,’ it will affect how you set yourself up for success and ask for what you want. Building self-belief is as important as hitting targets.’

Jessica Silva’s top 5 Things to remember:

1. Don’t make threats like ‘I’ll leave if I don’t get it.’ Most people don’t respond well to this. 

2. Use evidence, not just opinion: performance reviews, feedback from colleagues, or recent achievements all help your case.

3. If it’s off-cycle, be clear why now is the right time to raise it and what you’ve done recently.

4. If the answer is ‘not now’, ask what you need to do to get a raise in future and when the next conversation can be.

5. Keep the tone friendly, positive, and professional. Remind them how valuable you are. Make it easy for them to advocate for you.

Meet the experts:

Jessica Silva

A life direction coach and founder of The Restless and Jessica Silva Coaching, helping people create their own definition of success. Find her at therestless.co

KK Harris

A business psychologist and executive coach at Talking Talent, where she helps organisations accelerate advancement for under-represented talent.

Sarah Farmer

An imposter syndrome expert, best-selling author, and leadership trainer. She is the founder of Bright & Brilliant leadership coaching and a self-development expert. Find her at brightandbrilliant.com