‘I feel guilty that I earn more than my friends’: How to handle money differences without creating resentment

One friend wants a lavish Christmas dinner; another is watching every penny. A therapist explains how to navigate money differences without guilt, resentment or feeling left out.

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Are we splitting the bill down the middle, or just paying for what we ordered on our Christmas meet-up? Am I expected to buy presents for your children, as well as you? And how much is that festive afternoon tea?

This time of year brings with it some awkward conversations around money for friends and family, and never is that more the case than if you’re part of a ‘wage-gap’ friendship.

Often, friendships are built on shared experiences you’ve built up over time. It might be laughing together at a theme park years ago, or setting the world to rights over a coffee with newer friends. But many activities come with a price tag, and whether you’re the friend who’s still feeling the pinch of the cost-of-living crisis, or the one who has more to spend but worries about others missing out, it can be hard to know how to navigate this.

According to the Mental Health Foundation, money worries are the most common cause of anxiety in the UK, with 32 percent of British adults saying being able to afford to pay the bills had made them feel anxious in the last two weeks. So you’re very much not alone if you’re experiencing this.

There can also be an emotional toll when there are income differences in a friendship, says Victoria Jeffries, a BACP accredited therapist and member of the Counselling Directory. ‘If you are the friend who is less well-off or experiencing financial struggles, this can be quite the knock to self-esteem,’ says Jeffries. ‘Declining invites due to money concerns may induce feelings of inferiority, resulting in feeling “less than” a wealthier friend. Having to miss out on costly occasions can also result in feeling “left out” of things within your social circle, which may lead to loneliness.’

Comparison culture can have an impact too. ‘This can result in the less “well off” friend feeling as though they have achieved less in life, which may result in painful feelings of failure,’ says Jeffries. You may feel like you’re not doing as well as other people, or worry about being judged. ‘Difficult feelings may also arise for the friend who has more money,’ says Jeffries.

‘For example, there may be a sense of guilt for being able to attain a more lavish lifestyle and they may feel some pressure to pick up the bill and treat their friend. This can add quite a significant emotional weight to socialising and may result in a loss of desire to see friends.’

Financial differences in friendships go beyond what we earn or how much we have in savings. Our money mindset can influence our feelings and actions towards spending, and it’s common for friends to have different approaches. ‘Beliefs around money are usually planted – like everything else! – in childhood,’ Jeffries explains.

‘It could be that your parents were very frugal so one adopts this mindset, or it could be that you witnessed your parent struggling financially, and you now take every advantage of living a more lavish lifestyle, treating yourself to the type of things or events that you missed out on when you were younger.’

Money mindsets also influence what we spend our money on. ‘For some, spending on others can be a way of showing affection. These people may feel offended or even uncared for if they are asked to split the bill down to every penny,’ says Jeffries. ‘Similarly, it can be irking for some to see their friends throwing money around, especially if you are a person who witnessed your family struggling to make ends meet when you were younger.

‘Difficult feelings from the past can re-emerge which can be quite emotionally triggering. Simply being mindful that different friends have different attitudes towards money is a good start to navigating this. Remind yourself that, while you may not agree with a friend’s attitude towards money, it most likely stems from somewhere, and it is not your place to challenge this. Focus on the common ground you share and try to leave finances to one side.’

Try reflecting on your attitude towards money, and how this may have been influenced by your childhood and experiences as an adult. Do you feel anxious when you think about finances? How do you approach disposable income – would you rather save it, spend it on items like clothes or books, or use it for experiences like days out or holidays? What feelings come up when you think about finances and your friendship group?

Getting in touch with your feelings and beliefs around money can help you understand how this affects your approach to financial differences in friendships, and realise that this can go beyond what’s in our bank accounts. However, there are also practical sides to dealing with financial differences in friendships. ‘For the friend low on money, I would strongly suggest to not give into the pressure to do expensive things,’ says Jeffries. ‘While it may be difficult, try and get comfortable with saying no. You shouldn’t have to get into debt to keep up with your friends.’

Jeffries recommends suggesting low-cost activities instead, such as picnics in the park during the warmer months, hosting a dinner party at home, or visiting free museums and galleries. And what if you’re the friend who’s financially more secure? ‘I would say that, if you are the friend with more money, there are certain things to be aware of,’ Jeffries says.

‘For example, while it’s generous to offer to cover the cost of a dinner, be sensitive and aware that your friend may feel patronised at your offer to pay. Not everyone would simply view this as a welcome treat. Also, be aware that the offer of treating may become expected, and you could start to feel the friendship is one-sided and lead to resentment.’

There is also the tricky subject of lending money to friends, whether they get in touch asking for help to tide them till their next payday, or to cover the cost of a group activity. ‘I would suggest that you should be very clear about what you are agreeing to,’ stresses Jeffries.

‘For example, if you are expecting the money back, you should both agree on a specific date that you want the money back by. While this may seem very formal and uncomfortable, you may also want to consider having an agreement in writing. If your friend ever contested the repayment or refused to pay you backin the future, without having the agreement in writing, it would be incredibly difficult to take any action. It may be easier to gift money and that way, there is no confusion about getting it back.’

Naturally, communication is key. Your friends might not realise that that weekend away is going to plunge you into your overdraft, and may feel confused or hurt at you not joining them. We live in a society where talking about money can be difficult or awkward, and so it can feel challenging to admit that you may be struggling.

‘If your friendship group really doesn’t seem to understand, it may be helpful to be transparent and let them know that you simply don’t have the money. This may be uncomfortable, but you shouldn’t feel embarrassed about this,’ Jeffries says. You may well find that some of the others admit that they would prefer to do something that costs less too. If you’re the friend who has more money, it doesn’t have to mean ruling out all activities that have a price tag.

But if you’re aware that some of your friends may not have the same disposable income, it could be a case of prioritising and not suggesting lots of expensive activities, but being a little bit more inventive about what you do. At this time of year, why not wrap up warm and enjoy a beautiful winter walk then head home together for hot chocolate and marshmallows, or try social gift-wrapping evenings or decorating the tree together.

There are a whole host of ways to enjoy spending quality time with people you care about this Christmas without either counting the pennies or breaking the bank. Now, homemade mulled wine, anyone?

Victoria Jeffries is a BACP accredited therapist and member of Counselling Directory who has a private practice online and in North London. victoriajeffriestherapy.com