How many times should a happy couple be having sex? You might be asking the wrong question

Once a week? Three times a week? A few times a month? And if you’re having less than that, should you be worried?

It is surprisingly easy to believe there is a correct answer. Search online and you’ll find statistics about how often couples supposedly have sex, alongside endless conversations about libido, “dead bedrooms” and what a healthy relationship is meant to look like.

But according to sexologist Sofie Roos, one of the biggest problems with sexual statistics is what we do with them.

“The biggest mistake is that people view the average number as a goal,” she says.

What does the data actually tell us?

Research can tell us about patterns between different groups. Younger people tend to have sex more frequently, for example, while pregnancy, stress, physical and mental wellbeing, relationship status and other life circumstances can all affect sexual activity. What it cannot tell you is how often you should have sex.

“If a certain data says that you at your age should be having sex five times a month, and you have sex once a month, it doesn’t mean that you’re having any issues,” says Roos, a licensed sexologist and relationship therapist at Swedish relationship magazine Passionerad. “And couples who are having sex 10 times a month aren’t having a better sex life.”

An average describes a population. It doesn’t prescribe a lifestyle. Dr Deepali Misra-Sharp, a menopause doctor for digital health platform Voy, points out that sexual-frequency research also tells us little about what those encounters are actually like.

“The data tells us how often people say they are having sex, but not whether that sex is enjoyable, wanted, intimate or satisfying,” says Dr Misra-Sharp.

“The researchers looked at a statistical relationship, not an ideal amount of times everyone should get laid,” adds Roos.

Two couples can have the same amount of sex — and completely different sex lives

Imagine two couples who both have sex once a week. For one, both partners look forward to it, feel safe and connected, enjoy themselves and feel wanted. For the other, one partner feels pressured and the other rejected. Sex has become something to negotiate rather than something they both enjoy.

The frequency is identical. The experience isn’t.

“Focus on quality, not quantity,” says Roos. “Sex is about so much more than frequency — it’s about intimacy, communication, pleasure, emotional safety and the feeling of being wanted and seen.”

Dr Misra-Sharp agrees that frequency alone cannot tell you whether a sexual relationship is working. A couple can have sex frequently while feeling disconnected, while another can have sex relatively rarely and be completely satisfied with their intimacy.

We’re probably really bad at judging other couples

There is another reason comparisons are so unhelpful: we have very little idea what other people’s sex lives actually look like.

“Not remotely at all!” says Dr Misra-Sharp when asked whether people are generally good at estimating how much sex other couples are having.

Roos says people build imagined pictures from social media, friendships, gossip and the way couples behave in public. “We tend to overestimate how often others get laid,” she says.

That can leave people comparing their everyday reality with a polished or romanticised version of someone else’s life — and assuming everyone else is having more sex, better sex and an easier time of it.

The irony is that the couples who seem most passionate from the outside may not be having the most sex, while couples who appear completely unremarkable may have a very satisfying sex life behind closed doors.

So what should you ask instead?

If you’re worried that you’re “not having enough sex”, Roos suggests starting with a question that gets underneath the comparison: “Are you actually dissatisfied with your sex life, or are you just worried because you feel that you should be worried?”

Then ask: Does either person want more sex? Does either person feel rejected or pressured? Are you missing closeness or intimacy?

Those questions may tell you far more than an average ever could. “I wish people would ask, ‘Does my sex life work for me and my overall life situation?’” says Roos.

For couples, she would add: “Are we happy with how our sex life works, and if not, can we talk about it without blaming each other?”

There is no medically or psychologically proven number that every couple should aim for.

“The number that works for you is a way better measurement than any number you can get from the outside,” says Roos.

Words: Lucy Rawlinson, Images: Shutterstock