Is gift-giving bringing you joy — or stress? What your present-buying habits could reveal about your relationships

Words: Greta Solomon. Images: Shutterstock

In his award-winning novel, The Coming Storm, Paul Russell wrote: ‘Was there anything quite so painful, so fraught with the possibilities of hurt, as gift-giving within a family?’ But it’s not just family gift-giving that can be icky and tricky. When 58-year-old Fiona Scott met a woman who lived nearby her in Wiltshire, they struck up a promising friendship.

After a dinner with their respective husbands, Fiona decided to say thanks with a gift. ‘We’d had a lovely evening, and she commented on my handbag – a Cambridge Satchel in a bright colour,’ says Fiona. ‘Afterwards, I happened to be browsing on Vinted and saw a great Cambridge Satchel in a more muted colour in fab condition. I wrapped it up and dropped around to her house – she seemed surprised and grateful.’

But a few days later, her friend dropped round to return the bag, stating that she didn’t really like it. ‘I was offended, and after that, I didn’t pursue the friendship further. I didn’t want a friend who would do that,’ explains Fiona. Studies have shown that gift-giving activates regions of the brain associated with trust, social connection, and pleasure.

But if people co-opt the process to make it about power, control, and status, it can instead create fear, shame, and doubt. What’s more, it’s impossible to have a great relationship with everyone you need to gift to. What if your recipient is a colleague you clash with, a difficult parent, or a controlling sibling? What if they give back your gift (as Fiona’s former friend did), or openly re-gift it? Or what if you feel unable to offer a heartfelt, festive gift to your child’s teacher because a clipboard-wielding fellow parent insists on pooling money to buy a luxury hamper?

The good news is that recognising your own gifting behaviour (and that of others) can help you to feel more empowered – so that you can give and receive with grace.

What kind of gift giver are you?

Joyful giver

They use empathy to determine what the recipient wants and needs. They warmly express thanks when they receive gifts. According to Dr Dele Kehn-Alafun, CEO and founder of Peace Lily Gifts, joyful givers tend to ask themselves the following questions: What kind of personality does the recipient have? What do they most value – time, tangible items, words of affirmation, or acts of service? What do they need – now, and in the future? Do they need to spend quality time with you? What kinds of causes do they care about?

The right gift fits like a puzzle piece, such as the group of friends who chipped in to buy author coaching sessions for a friend, from book editor Kirsten Rees. ‘It reminded me of the story of Harper Lee, who wrote To Kill a Mockingbird when her friends gave her a one-year salary, so that she could write,’ says Rees.

‘If you receive a gift that wholeheartedly matches who you are, don’t be afraid to express your thanks for a second time when you start using the gift,’ says Kehn-Alafun. ‘If you received a lovely bracelet, for instance, you could send the giver a picture of you wearing it. This shows that their gift has given you multiple instances of joy.’

Anxious giver

They worry about broaching financial constraints with others. They’d love to choose heartfelt presents but worry about getting things wrong. Anxious givers are preoccupied with getting things right, but that’s just a sign that they care, says Suzy Reading, a chartered psychologist and author of nine books about self-care.

‘Try asking for confirmation that you’re on the right track with what you had in mind. Alternatively, ask for a gift receipt and encourage them to swap it if it’s not spot-on,’ she says. If you can’t afford to put a certain amount of money into a group gift pot at your child’s school, for example, or want to opt out of it, be matter-of-fact about it. ‘It’s more than OK to prioritise your financial wellbeing. Where possible, you can see if there’s a different way of contributing on your own terms, such as a gift of skills or time,’ says Reading.

Controlling giver

They thrive on being in charge of the gift-giving process. They may make a list and only accept gifts on their list, while randomly choosing what they give others. Bad experiences with gifts can make anyone want to only receive what they’ve asked for.

But if you start to feel like your personality isn’t welcome in a gifting situation, it’s best to tackle it head-on. ‘It’s not selfish to raise a gentle conversation about the nature of gift-giving and seek greater reciprocity. Being direct is the best approach,’ says Reading.

‘You could say something like, “I appreciate that you let me know in advance what you would like to receive, so that I can gift you something meaningful. I’d like to establish the same arrangement for my gifts. Would that be OK?”’ Speaking up isn’t easy, but it can help to establish respect and good boundaries.

Dissatisfied giver

They see gifts as interchangeable and don’t view what they give as meaningful or significant. They routinely feel dissatisfied, no matter what they’re given. London-based Polly Arrowsmith found that no matter what she bought her ex-partner for Christmas, he would always go out on Boxing Day to buy himself more gifts.

‘One year he asked for the It’s a Knockout DVD and a very specific model car to build, both of which were tough to track down. He was totally dismissive of them, and said they were rubbish,’ she says. If you find yourself in a situation like this, think about the motive behind their dissatisfaction. ‘You could have a gentle conversation, inviting feedback on why they responded as they did. Perhaps there is some information that you’re not privy to,’ says Reading.

Remember too that sometimes people re-gift presents, with no ill will intended. Their value system sees it as perfectly fine to pass on something that’s not quite right.

Self-sacrificing giver

They enjoy giving gifts, but tend to give too much, or spend money they don’t have. They find it difficult to receive what others give them and may worry that they’re in debt to the other person.

‘Healthy relationships are characterised by both giving and receiving, so finding balance here is a way of nurturing your relationships,’ says Reading. ‘You deserve to be treated, but if you have a history of gift-giving being complex, where there was some kind of manipulation or guilt involved, be gentle with yourself. You have every right to have needs, every right to have desires, and every right to receive. But for some people this can take some real getting used to.’

When you give (or receive) a gift that misses the mark, it can reveal bad intentions lurking just beneath the surface. But remember that there are lots of variables at play. Don’t expect praise from a critical sibling, or appreciation from a difficult colleague.

And ask yourself what boundaries you can set, so that you’re not routinely wrong-footed in gift-giving situations. However, sometimes you’ll have to brush your shoulders off and accept that there will be cringeworthy interactions – especially when it comes to joke presents and Secret Santas. Use your time and energy wisely; you can’t be an open-hearted, joyful giver with those who trample on your efforts.

Expert advice

Suzy Reading is a chartered psychologist, coach, and the author of nine books, including Self-Care for Winter (Aster, 2024). To join her Instagram community, visit @suzyreading

Dr Dele Kehn-Alafun is an author and the CEO and founder of Peace Lily Gifts, which offers artisanal, eco-friendly, award-winning gifts and hampers made in the UK. She is passionate about how we show appreciation in our personal and working lives. peacelilygifts.com