Are you stuck in a rage cycle? Here’s what your anger is really telling you

Feeling furious, snappy and overwhelmed doesn’t make you a bad parent or partner. Psychotherapist Anna Mathur explains why rage can be a sign of an overloaded nervous system — and shares practical ways to understand, manage and recover from it.

As she cooked the evening meal while her three kids argued and whined, Anna Mathur could feel her female rage bubbling like the pot of pasta on the stove.

She texted her husband: “I need you to come downstairs. I’m going to lose it.” But he didn’t see her SOS — and the hot ball of emotion inside spilled out as a primal wail, leaving everyone in tears.

“I thought that perhaps I was failing. Maybe I wasn’t grateful enough or patient enough,” recalls Mathur, a leading psychotherapist and bestselling author. “Maybe this was just modern life and I wasn’t trying hard enough.”

But today she knows this self-blame game wasn’t necessary or helpful.

She wants other women to understand that rage is an important and valid response to a world that places a heavy burden on us, especially those who are caregivers.

“Rage is a stress signal — it’s your nervous system saying ‘I’m done’. It’s not a character flaw — it’s a message,” Mathur says. “There’s a need that hasn’t been met, or a feeling that hasn’t been acknowledged. There could be hormones or neurodiversity involved too.

“And what we automatically tend to do is vow to try harder, when we actually need to find ways to go gentler. We put more pressure on ourselves.”

The psychology behind female anger

In her new book How To Stop Snapping at the People You Love (As Well as the Ones You Don’t) (Penguin, £18.99), Mathur deconstructs the biological and psychological processes behind these distressing moments, ones that can lead to rifts, shame and resentment.

She says the way female anger is viewed by society — and even ourselves — can exacerbate the problem.

“Anger is a healthy, normal emotion. We need it in the same way we welcome joy. But we’re taught from a young age that it’s not very ladylike.

“Anger shows us that our boundaries have been crossed, or that we’ve not been treated well, or that there’s an injustice. If we’re able to listen to and respect that anger, then it’s less likely to come out as rage.”

While explosive moments are the stereotype, Mathur says there’s a day-to-day version that can be as damaging.

“We judge ourselves for irritability and snappiness, and it chips away the connections in our relationships,” she says. Maybe we can see people treading on eggshells around us. We think ‘this isn’t how I want to be’.”

One of the reasons the shame can feel so strong is because rage usually boils over with the people closest to us.

“We may manage to control ourselves in our outward-facing roles, then when we step into our safe space with people we love it’s the shaken Coke bottle effect.”

Modern life, with its 24/7 demands, isn’t helping the problem of female rage. “The emphasis is placed on output. I don’t think our culture values rest,” Mathur explains.

“Many of us have had mums that didn’t really sit down. We’ve learned that this is what to be female is. That to love well is to give and overlook our own needs, in that kind of sacrificial way that carries so much cost.

“There are also no boundaries around work and admin — it’s constantly coming at us. This constant demand on our nervous system means we’re more likely to snap.”

Why your age could be causing irritability

She tells women not to belittle the effects of hormones on your capacity to manage female rage.

“I think we gaslight ourselves into thinking this is just how life is at this point, running around at 100 miles an hour, dropping balls, resentful of partners and snapping at kids,” she says.

“The danger is we don’t look into some of the biological things draining us in the background.

“I went on HRT when I was 40 and had no idea my increasing sensory sensitivity would have anything to do with perimenopause. But that has softened now.”

How to stop an outburst of anger

If you feel the stress rising, Mathur says trying to put a lid on your female rage won’t help.

“Ask what can you do to act as a circuit breaker, such as star jumps to metabolise some of those stress hormones, or literally stepping out of the room.

“Create a culture in your house where you can say, ‘I’m feeling really stressed right now, I’m going out to take some deep breaths’. Name it and own it in a way that doesn’t place blame.

“If the kids are winding me up, I don’t say it’s anything to do with them — I explain I’m hormonal or tired, so I’m a bit stressed and am taking five minutes out so I don’t start shouting.

“Most of us did not have parents that took responsibility and apologised or gave context when they did lose it. You can model a different way.”

Giving yourself a break

Even with the best support strategies in place, there will still be times when you snap and lash out.

The key is not to allow yourself to spiral into self-loathing afterwards, Mathur stresses. “That shame is saying ‘I’m the problem, this is all my fault’.

“And yes, we’ve got to take responsibility, but this often looks like pledging to try harder and adding more pressure on ourselves.

“Instead, ask yourself what you were carrying as you went into that moment. What part might hormones be playing?

“When was the last time you had a chat with a friend or went for a walk? Are you hungry or thirsty? Have you been giving yourself an opportunity to rest?

“We tend to find that the answer is no — so it’s very expected that we’d fly off the handle. We extend this compassion to our children — we can see that direct correlation — but when it’s us, we think it’s our fault.”

By looking inward at what you need and feel, you should find more capacity to cope with those moments, when they flare up.

“We’re going to be in stressful situations and it’s going to come out in a way that sometimes causes collateral damage — that’s just part of being human,” Mathur says.

“But the more we tend to ourselves, hear ourselves, soothe ourselves, go gentle on ourselves, find compassion for ourselves, the more capacity we have to respond in a way that aligns with our values.”

How to Stop Snapping at the People You Love (As Well as the Ones You Don’t): A Compassionate Guide to Rage, Regulation and Repair by Anna Mathur (Penguin, £18.99) is out now.

Words: Alex Lloyd