Why some people are happiest when everyone else is miserable

Psychologist Emma Kavanagh explains why some people use humour, conflict and social pressure to gain power — and how to recognise when disagreement has become something more than a difference of opinion.

Why do some people seem to thrive on conflict? From cutting jokes and subtle put-downs to constant competition and the need to always be right, antagonistic behaviour can turn everyday interactions into power struggles. Psychologists describe antagonism as a pattern of hostility, competitiveness and status-seeking that can appear in workplaces, friendships and relationships. Understanding the psychology behind these behaviours can help us recognise the difference between healthy disagreement and conflict used as a way to control others.

Arguments are draining. Tension in a room feels unpleasant. Even when we disagree with someone, most of us instinctively look for ways to reduce friction and restore balance.

But psychologist Dr Emma Kavanagh says some people experience conflict very differently. For some individuals, disagreement is not simply something to tolerate. It can become a source of power.

This tendency is linked to a personality trait known as antagonism: a pattern of behaviour involving hostility, competitiveness and a desire to gain status by putting others down. “Antagonism is a power move,” says Kavanagh. “It is saying ‘I will make you smaller, so I can be higher.’”

The key issue is not that someone occasionally argues or becomes frustrated. Conflict is a normal part of human relationships. The difference is whether conflict becomes a person’s preferred way of interacting with others.

When criticism becomes a weapon

One of the ways antagonism often appears is through humour. Kavanagh says some people use jokes not to create connection, but to establish dominance. “If you’re a fundamentally unpleasant person, it’s a very, very good tool,” she says.

A sarcastic comment. A joke at someone else’s expense. A clever insult disguised as banter. On the surface, these moments can seem harmless. But humour can provide cover. The person making the remark can always claim they were only joking if challenged. “Humour is an excellent shield,” says Kavanagh.

The effect can go beyond embarrassment. A cutting joke can alter the social dynamic around someone. “It will bring you lower, it will make you feel smaller,” says Kavanagh, author of The Psychopath Effect: The mind-altering power of the psychopaths among us (Seven Dials, £22). “But what it will also do is isolate you from the rest of the social circle, when everybody else starts laughing at you.”

The aggression is present, but responsibility for it is hidden.

Why antagonism can be difficult to spot

One of the reasons antagonistic behaviour can be so difficult to recognise is that it often does not appear immediately.

Someone may be charming, attentive and engaging while they are building trust or trying to gain something from a relationship. The behaviour may only become clearer later, once they feel secure, frustrated or under pressure.

Kavanagh says stress can reveal patterns that are usually controlled. “To mask meanness requires self-control,” she says. “It requires that prefrontal cortex to be operating really well, and when we are tired, stressed or sick, we lose a lot of capacity.”

This does not mean stress creates antagonism. Everyone becomes less patient when exhausted or overwhelmed. But for someone who relies heavily on controlling how they appear, those moments can make their underlying behaviour easier to see.

Why some people seem energised by conflict

One of the more unusual ideas in research on psychopathic traits is that people may experience social rewards differently. Kavanagh describes this as an “inverted sense of social reward”.

For many people, cooperation feels rewarding. A productive conversation. A shared achievement. A sense that everyone is working towards the same goal. But for someone high in antagonistic traits, the reward may come from a different place. “Everybody rowing produces the dopamine rush,” says Kavanagh.

The conflict itself becomes stimulating. Creating tension, provoking reactions and watching others become unsettled can provide a sense of control. That does not mean everyone who enjoys debate or has a strong personality is antagonistic. Many people enjoy disagreement because they like exploring ideas.

The difference is what the person is trying to achieve. Are they trying to understand something? Or are they trying to defeat someone?

When dominance looks like confidence

In certain environments, being forceful, outspoken and unwilling to back down can be rewarded. A person who dominates meetings may be seen as confident. Someone who aggressively challenges others may be described as decisive.

But the long-term cost can be significant.

A workplace shaped by antagonism may become one where people avoid speaking honestly because they fear being attacked or ridiculed. Over time, the person creating the conflict may gain influence while the wider group becomes less effective.

Kavanagh’s work is not about labelling anyone who is difficult, argumentative or outspoken. Everyone has moments where they become defensive or impatient. The important question is whether conflict is occasional or central to how someone relates to other people.

Healthy disagreement allows people to exchange ideas without damaging each other’s dignity.

Antagonism works differently. The purpose is not understanding, but control.

And perhaps the most revealing sign is not simply that someone starts arguments, it’s that they revel in them.

Words: Sally Saunders, Images: Shutterstock