Sleeping badly next to your partner? 3 bedroom hacks couples swear by for better sleep – without sacrificing intimacy

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I’m one of many couples who has rewritten the rules of the marital bed and I’m not ashamed to admit it. Whilst I have been very happily married for over 25 years, there is something that divides my husband and I in the bedroom and that is….. separate duvets! My only regret is I wish we’d made this decision sooner.

Whilst I am always freezing in bed, he couldn’t be more opposite and after two decades of claiming I am a duvet hogger, we decided to try having our own ones. And it’s done wonders for our relationship; we both sleep better, don’t argue in the night and the heating bill has gone down!

And it seems I’m not the only one that has introduced the duvet boundary into my marriage – many friends admit they do the same and, according to one bedding expert, it’s common practice in Scandinavia.

Separate duvets

“If you share a bed with a partner who’s always too hot, separate duvets are the answer!” explained James Montgomery-Castle, bedding expert and buyer at Soak&Sleep.

“It’s very common in Scandinavia and means you can both choose the weight that suits you and minimise the tug of war or complaints in the middle of the night. Go for two single duvets, so you’re not taking up precious mattress space with excess duvet.”

Keeping separate duvets is not a marriage killer points out adult sleep specialist Leah Ann Bolen – and I can attest to that!

“We don’t all sleep best under the same conditions, even when we share a bed. One person may run hot while the other is always cold,” she explained.

“One may move around or pull the covers while the other wakes easily. Keeping separate duvets can be an easy way for each person to have more control over their own sleep environment without giving up the closeness of sharing a bed and having a good marriage.”

And Dr Jordan Burns, a licensed chiropractor and certified sleep coach for Amerisleep agrees.

“If you find yourself constantly hot and your partner always cold maybe consider buying separate duvets,” he explained. The same goes for if you and your partner keep different sleep patterns and get disturbed by one tugging at the duvet when they get into bed after you.

“Just because you sleep in the same bed doesn’t mean you have to share a duvet. You can have different weights on each side and should one partner roll over, they won’t be hogging their partner’s blanket. The main difference is what problem you are looking to solve by altering your sleeping arrangements. Separate duvets may help with blanket theft but will do nothing for motion transfer.”

Sleeping head to toe

Okay, this may sound a bit odd but sleeping head-to-toe is a common way some couples sleep. Whilst the duvet trick has worked well for me, I have in the past forced my husband to sleep head to toe when he has got a cold and is disturbing me with his snoring!

It is not a passion killer (unless your feet smell!), but can be a way some couples who want intimacy and space to sleep, prefer. Unconventional? Maybe, but according to Leah, some of these seemingly unusual sleeping arrangements can make a lot of sense!

“There doesn’t need to be one “right” way for couples to sleep. If an unconventional solution helps both people sleep better and they’re happy with it, that it’s working is more important than whether it’s considered the norm,” she explained.

“I would, however, put snoring in a slightly different category. Sleeping head to toe might put a little more distance between someone’s ears and their partner’s snoring but given the fact that some snoring can be heard from a next room, the difference may be negligible.” (In my case, it has worked well but as Leah mentioned, if your partner is a loud snorer, it may not work).

According to Dr Burns, sleeping head-to-toe might be a good trick, but he says it doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve solved your partners snoring.

“Just moving away from a snoring partner may make you able to tune it out, and get some sleep,” he said. However, he is keen to point out in the long run it’s not necessarily a good thing to ignore your partner’s snoring.

“By sleeping head to toe, what you’ve done is adjust the observer’s position; you haven’t changed the snorers’ scenario. Plus, I’d want to make sure I wasn’t fixing one problem by causing another: feet in the face or twisting the body into ridiculous positions to cure snoring that is accompanied by apnea (gasping/pauses in breathing) or severe daytime sleepiness should be seen by a doctor, not disguised with another trick.”

Separate bedrooms

Some people swear by sleeping apart as the secret to a happier marriage! I have probably only done it a handful of times when my older two sons were at university and either my husband or I was poorly – either way he was always the one to retreat to one of the kids rooms. Sleeping separately does not mean your relationship is in trouble but it can be a good answer if you are desperate for some uninterrupted sleep.

According to psychiatric mental health nurse practitioner Shebna Osanmoh doing things like sleeping in separate rooms can be a good idea if couples are struggling to sleep.

“Poor sleep may lead to insomnia, lethargy, fatigue, and irritability so if sleeping in separate rooms, helps you deal with serious issues like snoring, movements, or body temperature, I think this is a clever concept.

“If couples can’t have good sleep at night, it may lead to relationship problems gradually. What is important is how you are dealing with it. If couples have an open discussion about these issues up front, they may feel closer than moving apart.

“When a partner quietly moves to a different room at midnight, the other partner may take it as a rejection,” he warned. “What couples can do is that they can fall asleep together and move to different rooms later after having a healthy discussion about it. Both need to be well rested and feel well connected. That’s the secret to a healthy relationship. A traditional sleeping setup is not enough to keep couples together.

“I think that it’s a mistake to force two different types of sleepers to sleep together in the same room. If someone has insomnia or sleep apnea, they can seek mental health treatment.”

So there you go – your bedroom sleep habits don’t need to keep you awake at night!