How to recognise a controlling partner

The introduction of a partner can alter the dynamics of our friendships. Ellen Tout shares expertsโ€™ advice on making love and friendship work together

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I'm worried that my friend's partner is controlling

Q: ‘One of my oldest friends is getting married next year and sheโ€™s asked me to be her bridesmaid. Since asking her to marry him, her fiancรฉ has become increasingly controlling.

Whenever I see her now, he tags along and cuts the meeting short. Recently, she left me to attend a party alone because he didnโ€™t want her to go. I know he also calls her home early from work events and makes snarky comments. Iโ€™m seriously worried about her, but how do I tell her? Can you tell me how to recognise a controlling partner and what actions to take?’

A: โ€˜You are right to be worried,โ€™ says Mary Fenwick. โ€˜What you describe is potentially coercion under a new UK law.โ€™ The new law means it is an offence to carry out patterns of controlling or coercive behaviour in a relationship, and recognises this form of abuse as potentially more harmful than a single act of violence.

The types of behaviours covered by the law include monitoring a personโ€™s time, isolating a partner, controlling aspects of their life or repeatedly degrading their self-worth.

The first challenge is finding space so you can talk. โ€˜Is there a way of creating an activity that wouldnโ€™t involve her fiancรฉ?โ€™ asks Fenwick. โ€˜A special date just for you two โ€“ a spa day, wedding dress shopping or trying out hair and make-up?โ€™

To have better conversation, you need to handle your words with care. โ€˜Sharing your concerns with her in a critical way could make her defensive and less likely to open up,โ€™ says Galbraith. โ€˜Show her you care by asking her how she feels about her relationship in a supportive and non-judgemental way. It is often through providing the space for someone to discuss their issues, through empathising, offering genuine concern and listening non-judgementally, that we can empower others to make changes in their lives.โ€™

โ€˜Try to ensure she does most of the talking, so youโ€™re not another person telling her what to do,โ€™ says Fenwick. โ€˜She needs to know what genuine concern feels like.โ€™

Be aware that your friend may have no worries at all. โ€˜Sometimes, in the excitement of getting engaged, we donโ€™t notice this kind of behaviour from a partner,โ€™ says Barbara Bloomfield. โ€˜We think theyโ€™re so in love with us that they canโ€™t bear to be apart.โ€™ And, as Galbraith points out, โ€˜She may be aware that her fiancรฉ is controlling, but she has decided to accept it by agreeing to marry him.โ€™

But if you have real concerns, do speak up. โ€˜She could really welcome someone to talk to,โ€™ says Galbraith.

โ€˜She may value your honesty and if sheโ€™s having doubts, this could be the conversation that helps her to reflect,โ€™ says Bloomfield. โ€˜If this is indeed an abusive relationship, helping her to see this will be an invaluable gift.โ€™

If your concerns donโ€™t pass, then Fenwick suggests looking for external support. โ€˜The National Domestic Violence Helpline is there for friends and family who want to support a suspected victim. They would help you to work out a conversation with your friend, which can be pretty direct, like, โ€œIโ€™m worried about you becauseโ€ฆโ€โ€™

We spoke to the following people for advice:

  • Barbara Bloomfield, Relate couples and family counsellor and author

Photograph: iStock

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