Why you feel guilty sharing good news when someone you love is struggling – and how to stop

Words: Faye James

You’ve been offered the job you wanted. After months of applications and interviews, you finally have something to celebrate. You reach for your phone to tell a close friend, then remember she is still looking for work.

Perhaps you’re happy in a new relationship while someone you love is navigating a separation. Or you have news about a pregnancy, a house purchase or a family milestone that touches on something another person desperately wants.

Your excitement becomes tangled with concern. Will telling them make things worse? Would keeping quiet be kinder? Before you’ve shared anything, you’re already rehearsing an apology.

Psychotherapist Georgina Sturmer explains that our hesitation can come from remembering what it felt like to be on the other side.

“Many of us have experienced a time when things have been difficult, and we have felt jealous or angry about someone else’s happiness,” she tells Psychologies. 

Knowing how painful that contrast can feel may make us pause. We worry about causing sadness, appearing insensitive or making someone’s difficulties feel more pronounced. But being considerate doesn’t require us to make our own happiness disappear.

Notice what is behind the guilt

Sometimes the concern is straightforward: you love your friend and want to treat a sensitive subject with care. At other times, the thought of disappointing someone can feel so uncomfortable that you begin questioning whether you should celebrate at all.

Sturmer explains that this can be particularly deep rooted for people who grew up needing to please others to feel safe or accepted. Drawing attention to their own success may feel unfamiliar, even when they have worked hard for it.

It is worth asking yourself what you are trying to protect. Are you considering your friend’s circumstances, or trying to make certain that nobody could possibly be upset with you?

“We want to be thoughtful, without trying to predict or manage someone else’s feelings,” says Sturmer.

You can choose your words carefully and allow room for a complicated response. You cannot guarantee that the news will feel easy to hear.

Give the news some space

If your happiness touches directly on another person’s difficulties, think about how they will receive it.

An announcement in a busy group chat creates a different experience from a private message. Sharing news during a celebration may leave someone feeling they have to respond enthusiastically in front of others.

“Consider whether we can create an environment where the other person has the time and space to process what they are hearing,” Sturmer advises.

The best approach will depend on your relationship. A conversation might feel more personal, while a message could give your friend time to absorb the news before replying. Consider what would help them feel included without putting them on the spot.

There may be no perfect moment, however. Repeatedly delaying the conversation can leave you increasingly anxious about a reaction you still cannot predict. “We can control what we say and do, but we cannot control how other people respond,” says Sturmer.

Be honest without apologising

When you’re worried about hurting someone, it can be tempting to minimise the news or leave out the parts that matter most to you. But finding out through somebody else may bring its own hurt, particularly in a close friendship.

Sturmer recommends acknowledging the sensitivity and being honest about your uncertainty. Her suggested opening is: “I wanted to share something with you because you’re important to me.”

From there, you can recognise that things have been difficult and give the person permission to take some time. You don’t need to demand an immediate response or explain at length why you deserve your happiness.

A simple, private conversation allows you to share something important while recognising that your friend may have feelings of their own.

Make room for a mixed response

Perhaps your friend replies kindly but briefly, or perhaps they need a little distance before they can ask questions or hear more.

That can feel disappointing, especially when you hoped to share your excitement with them. Try to leave room for what their response might mean beyond your first interpretation. “If they don’t feel able to celebrate with us, it doesn’t necessarily mean they’re rejecting us,” says Sturmer.

She explains that someone may be happy for you while also feeling sadness, jealousy or disappointment about their own circumstances, and those feelings can exist together.

You can acknowledge their need for space and still recognise your wish to celebrate. Another friend, relative or partner may be better placed to share your excitement at that moment. “It might simply mean finding other people to share our excitement with,” Sturmer says.

Your friendship can still hold care, honesty and connection, even when you are experiencing very different chapters. Sharing your news thoughtfully gives both of you room to be truthful about where you are.

Pics: Getty Images