How to tell if your best friend is a narcissist: 10 red flags you shouldn’t ignore

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Best friends are there to celebrate our wins, listen to our worries and tell us when we’re making a terrible decision. But what happens when the person you trust most is quietly making everything about them? 

From constantly stealing the spotlight to dismissing your feelings, manipulating situations or leaving you questioning your own reality, some friendship dynamics can be far more toxic than they first appear. 

While we all have moments of selfishness, insecurity or bad behaviour, persistent patterns of self-centredness and a lack of empathy can raise a bigger question – could your best friend have narcissistic traits? If your friendship is leaving you feeling more drained than supported, you need to pay closer attention.

Psychotherapist, Karen Hartley,  warns there are clear red flags you should watch for.

When conversations always circle back to them. You talk about the rough day you’ve had and within minutes they’re telling a story about how their day was worse or better. It them becomes a tendency that your situations often become background noise. 

They need to win everything. It could be small things. i.e. If you got a promotion, they got a bigger one. If you’re tired, they’re exhausted. Everything’s a competition, and they have to come out on top.

Criticism doesn’t land. If you mention something they did that hurt you, watch what happens. It will often get flipped, denied, or turned into your problem. Somehow, you’re the one apologising.

Charming character fades fast. They can be magnetic, warm, funny and generous especially when they want something or there’s an audience. The mask slips when they don’t get their way and suddenly, you’re getting coldness, sulking, or a nasty side.

They’re the victim in every story. Nothing is ever their fault. Ex-friends, exes, colleagues everyone else is the problem. If you ever call them out, you’ll likely become the next villain in the saga.

What they actually say and do

Karen points out that the behaviour often shows up in their language, you just need to start paying attention to the discrepancies. 

• “I’m just being honest” right before saying something cutting.
• Love-bombing, then cooling off. Intense attention and gifts early on, withdrawal the moment you stop being useful or start being honest.
• Triangulation. Comparing you to other friends, or hinting that someone else is more loyal, more fun, more grateful.
• “You’re too sensitive.” Your reaction is the problem, never their behaviour.

What you’d never get from them

A real authentic apology. If you do receive one, it’s often I’m sorry you feel that way often missing accountability. The ability to sit with you in something painful without making it their own experience.

Actual change when you tell them how they make you feel. They may initially promise it but it never lasts. 

Step on how to handle the friendship

Manage your expectations and lower them if needed. You can still be friends without being close. 

Set boundaries No and I can’t do that are full sentences. You don’t need to give a speech or over explain your boundary. 

Be mindful of what you share. Anything you tell them can be ammunition, gossip or a future guilt trip.  

Know when to walk away. These friendships can be very toxic and often leave you feeling drained. If you find yourself constantly managing their mood or dread spending time with them, you may need some distance.

Use the grey rock method. Keep replies factual and flat. Narcissists feed off drama, reassurance and outrage. Boring them can be effective. 

Can it ever really work and can they be trusted?

This million-dollar question, according to Karen, depends on whether you’re ok with the friendship existing in a different way than you hoped. 

‘Managing your expectations, a willingness to accept that the friendship may be one sided and if you never rely on that person for emotional support some form of friendship can exist. 

‘If, however, you want a safe space you’re probably going to get hurt because you’re grieving a version of them that only shows up when it suits them. If you’re the one doing all the adjusting, it isn’t working. It’s just costing you.

‘The mistake people make is trusting the person they wish they were rather than the person in front of them. Watch the patterns, not the promises and trust them to be consistent with who they’ve shown you. That’s it.

‘You can’t fix them, and it isn’t your job to try. The only thing you get to control is how much access they have to you. Your body usually knows before your head does. Don’t talk yourself out of it and trust your instinct! ‘