‘As long as he needs me…’: why narcissistic relationships feel impossible to leave

A relationship that starts with promise can quickly spiral into confusion, manipulation, and emotional exhaustion. Here’s why we sometimes choose to stay in these rollercoaster dynamics, and how to break free.

As a child, I loved musicals. My favourite was Oliver!, and I was particularly captivated by Nancy’s song, As Long As He Needs Me. Her love for Bill Sykes was filled with a belief that she could change him, even as it slowly destroyed her. What strikes me now is how familiar that dynamic feels — not just in fiction, but in real life. Many of us fall into relationships that begin with hope and affection but quickly unravel into something toxic. In these relationships, like Nancy’s, we often believe love can fix everything, even when we’re being hurt in the process.

The Honeymoon Phase: Too Good to Question

“The challenge is, it doesn’t start toxic,” says Sara Davison, a therapist who works with people in turbulent relationships, who is know as the Divorce Coach. “At the beginning, it’s amazing.

“A lot of people will say, ‘Oh my God, someone’s really listening to me for the first time,’” says Davison. “And that can be a green flag — but it can also be a massive red flag.”

You’re struck by the passion, the enthusiasm. By feeling really, truly wanted.

But what seems like connection can sometimes be part of a calculated game. At the start, it feels like alignment, not manipulation. But that’s the trap — it’s hard to recognise when someone is learning your vulnerabilities to exploit them.

Small shifts, big confusion

“The mask slips,” Davison says. “But it’s not all at once.”

The cracks don’t show dramatically. Instead, it’s small shifts — a comment, a tone, an unexpected reaction — that you can easily brush off, especially when they’re still capable of being the person you first fell in love with.

“They make you fall in love with this version of them,” Davison explains. “So when things change, you’re always hoping it’s going to go back to how it was at the beginning — because you’ve seen that it’s possible.”

Hope keeps you invested, even when the relationship begins to feel unstable. You hang on, thinking that if you love hard enough, things will return to that magical, early connection.

The Emotional Rollercoaster: Why We Get Addicted to the Highs and Lows

“When it’s good, it’s amazing,” says Davison. “But when it’s bad, it’s really bad.”

The extreme contrast between highs and lows is what makes these relationships so addictive. You’re constantly chasing the next high, hoping it will bring back that feeling of love and connection.

“You’re always trying to get back to the good bit,” Davison says. “You don’t know where you stand.”

The constant shifts between affection and distance keep you on edge, making you feel like you’re always fighting for their attention. The unpredictability creates a bond that becomes difficult to break, even when you know it’s hurting you.

“We become bonded to the person that’s hurting us,” says Davison. “Because we believe there’s a love there.”

The Search for Reassurance: Why You’re Always Trying to Get Them Back

In these relationships, you begin obsessing over every little thing they do. You can’t focus on anything else.

“You start thinking, ‘Why haven’t they replied? What’s going on?’” Davison says. “It’s very hard to concentrate on anything else.”

Your thoughts narrow, and you try to pull them back in — sending texts, posting something they’ll notice, anything to get a response.

“When you get them back, it feels amazing,” says Davison. “Like you’ve won.”

That rush is what keeps the cycle going. Every time they come back, it feels like a reward, reinforcing the belief that this kind of emotional chaos is tied to love. But the relief is always temporary.

Why We Stay: The Fear of Loneliness and the Weight of Investment

From the outside, it can be hard to understand why someone would stay in such an unpredictable, painful relationship. But inside, things look different. “We all have a fundamental need for love and connection,” Davison explains. “And one of the biggest fears is that no one will ever love us again.”

Loneliness can be a powerful force, making it easier to stay in something that isn’t right than face the uncertainty of being alone. And then there’s the emotional investment—the time, the feelings, the belief that things can get better.

“You’ve already fallen in love with them,” Davison says. “And they do show you that version of themselves from time to time.”

It’s enough to keep hope alive, despite everything else. You cling to the idea that they might be able to change, that the person you fell in love with is still in there somewhere.

Breaking Free: From Exhaustion to Clarity

But over time, the constant emotional rollercoaster becomes exhausting. “It can feel addictive,” Davison says. “But it’s also draining.”

The emotional highs and lows take a toll, and eventually, the exhaustion brings a new clarity. What once felt like excitement begins to feel like emotional whiplash.

“A healthy relationship doesn’t feel like that,” Davison says. “You don’t feel anxious all the time. You don’t feel like you’re fighting for attention.”

Looking back at Nancy’s tragic story, it’s clear that love shouldn’t feel like a fight. You can’t change someone who doesn’t want to change. True love is about feeling safe and secure, not riding a constant emotional rollercoaster.

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