Could these be red flags that your friendship isn’t reciprocal? An expert explains what to look for

Words: Stephanie Fitzgerald. Images: Shutterstock

“Morning! I’m a bit busy now so will drop you a message later on and you can come over here, okay?” I looked first at the message, then around my kitchen which was spotless from the frantic tidying that we all succumb to when someone is coming over. I took in the flickering scented candle and the snacks I’d laid out.

I considered the weekend plans I had rejigged in order to see this person who was now, ten minutes before they were due over, changing plans via WhatsApp. No, this wasn’t a date, this was a friend. And I was fed up.

To quote Jane Austen, ‘There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends.’ I highly value my friendships and try to be a good and supportive friend in return.

This particular friend had called me in the week, panicking about a work project, and asking if I could help her that weekend. I had things booked in but, hearing her overwhelm, moved them around and arranged to spend a good few hours together, getting it sorted.

Even though I had been more than happy to help her, I was not happy about the last-minute change of plans. I felt grumpy about the assumption that I would disrupt the rest of my day and travel over to hers and as though my time and offer of help was being taken for granted. Rather than a friend doing a favour, I began to feel as though I was on the payroll, only without the pay. I felt decidedly put-out and it made me question why.

Was I being unreasonable? Was I overreacting? I realised that this wasn’t the first time I’d felt like this with her, and I knew that something was off. What was going on? Georgina Sturmer, a counsellor specialising in helping women become more confident and resilient in their relationships, told me that I was describing the difference between a reciprocal friendship and a transactional one.

‘Ideally we want our friendships to be reciprocal,’ she advised. ‘Our friendships and relationships are not always going to be in perfect balance. There will be times when we need to support someone and times when we need someone to support us but, overall, we want an equilibrium. What you’re describing is when that balance is out of whack and the intangible “friendship energy” has been removed from the equation and instead it feels like a product or service that you might pay someone for.’

Whilst we were talking, I recognised that this ‘service’ dynamic was definitely present. This was a friend who asked if I was going somewhere, but only when she needed a lift. A friend who messaged to see how I was, then snuck in a favour request before I had a chance to reply. Things definitely used to feel very reciprocal, but that seemed to have changed in recent months and it left me feeling uncomfortable. Were we even friends anymore, or was I just useful?

It can be easy for friendships to slip into ‘usefulness mode’ unnoticed and hard to break away from. Sturmer told me that, for many of us, we define ourselves by how we behave in friendships e.g. being the useful one or the organised one. This is an idea echoed by psychologist and coach, Michelle Minnikin.

‘We, and women in particular, are trained from birth to be helpful and kind and this means our self-worth can become tied up in how useful we are.’ Minnikin explained how this ingrained belief system can sometimes mask early cues or intuition that tell us we’re being taken advantage of, meaning we can easily ignore or gloss over the warning signs.

‘As soon as resentment pops up then that is a red flag. Our emotions are signals… if we are around someone and feeling resentful, then that is a sign our boundaries are getting squished and something needs to shift.’ Tuning into our instincts feels key here.

Sturmer advised listening to my gut and asked: ‘How do you feel when you think about that person? How do you feel when the phone rings and you see their name flash up? If you roll your eyes and think “here we go again,” then that tells you a lot about how you are feeling about their behaviour.’

We can be so busy and reactive, automatically saying yes to favours or demands on our time, that we forget to check whether we actually want to do something. Sturmer also offers a gentle challenge that the issue may not be with our friends, but with ourselves. ‘What if you’re the problem?

We often feel stuck in these friendships where we are giving and giving and seemingly everyone else is taking, but perhaps people might like to do us a favour in return, we just haven’t given them the opportunity. What if our friends would love to help us, but never get the chance?’

Time for an experiment!

It felt uncomfortable to challenge my friend to see if she would be willing to help me out in return, but Minnikin reframed it as testing a hypothesis, not the friendship.

‘If you have a hypothesis that you are being used as a friend, then treat it as a mini-experiment,’ she advised. ‘Become curious about the friendship and ask for a little favour, just a small request for help or support.

If they say yes, then you have evidence that they are willing to be reciprocal. If they’re not willing to support you, then that’s also data for your hypothesis and you can use that to decide how you want to move forward.’ In terms of next steps, having a discussion with friends about their behaviour or the friendship dynamic can feel awkward, no matter how close you are.

Sturmer’s advice is to ‘see if you can communicate about it honestly and openly. Highlight what’s been going on and don’t be frightened of the conversation.’ She reminded me that although the thought of talking something through may feel challenging, if we feel unable to say no or are feeling used, we’re already uncomfortable.

We may as well deal with the situation and see if we can resolve it. Both experts recommended establishing and maintaining what Sturmer described as ‘healthy, grown-up, adult boundaries’ to avoid feeling taken advantage of.

Minnikin reminded me: ‘We teach other people how to treat us, so if we have zero boundaries, then people will get used to us having zero boundaries and take advantage.’ I recognised my own lack of boundaries. I had said yes when it wasn’t the best timing for me, then resented it.

My friend hadn’t asked me to change my plans, clean my house or provide snacks, these were my decisions and it wasn’t right to be grumpy with her about them. However, I also knew that the favours were often one-way and that needed to change or we’d need to talk it over. I replied to my friend, explained that I wasn’t free for the rest of the day so couldn’t help her and it was fine.

She got her work project sorted with her manager, which was probably a better outcome. Now that I’m more mindful of the dynamic, I am holding better boundaries and the favour requests have slowed down. I feel as though we are back to doing fun things together as friends and I no longer just feel useful. It’s been a positive shift and one which has hopefully preserved our friendship for the long term.

Georgina Sturmer is a counsellor (MBACP) who specialises in working with women, supporting them to become more confident and resilient in their life and relationships. She offers integrative attachment-based therapy, and is a lecturer in counselling. georginasturmer.co.uk

Michelle Minnikin is a chartered psychologist, coach and author of Good Girl Deprogramming. michelleminnikin.com