‘I thought becoming a mum meant my sex life was over — then I learned what was really getting in the way’

Is becoming a mother incompatible with having a good sex life? We spoke to Sarah Forbes, author of Mama Sex: How a Perfect Storm Created a Revolution, about the challenges mothers face when it comes to keeping intimacy alive.

Words: Amy Mica Marsden. Images: Shutterstock

It’s a refrain heard time and time again throughout history: once you become a mother, certain priorities tend to shift. Of them, perhaps one of the most notable is the satisfaction associated with your sex life.

That’s something writer and former Curator of the Museum of Sex Sarah Forbes sought to highlight in her latest book, Mama Sex: How a Perfect Storm Created a Revolution.

Due to her work at the Museum of Sex and what she describes as her ‘unflappable and non-judgemental’ stance, as well as the publication of her first book, Sex in the Museum, Sarah began to notice that the mothers in her life were increasingly coming to her for sex advice.

‘So many mothers were feeling shame about their bodies, experiencing painful sex that practitioners weren’t taking seriously, feeling like the pressures of modern motherhood were enveloping them and making it hard for them to feel desire,’ she says. ‘They were just trying to survive.’

That’s why in 2017 Sarah began writing about the topic for The Huffington Post and later for Motherly. With her background and as a new mother herself, she was in a unique position to offer both a personal and anthropological perspective on the subject.

‘I knew mothers needed the context for why mama sex was such a challenging topic, and it has so much more to do with history, culture and society than the blame they hurled at themselves,’ she adds.

In a survey she conducted for her latest book, Sarah found that 49 per cent of mothers indicated that they ‘don’t feel a desire for sex’, with 16 per cent of mothers saying they weren’t enjoying the sex they were having.

However, despite how prevalent the issues were, Sarah noted there was still a heavy taboo around sex when it came to motherhood. ‘I occupy a rare position bridging these two worlds,’ she says. ‘Many sex writers avoid conversations about motherhood, while most parenting experts don’t address sex.’

The challenges of motherhood and sexuality

While researching for her book, Sarah uncovered 5 main issues impacting maternal sexuality and killing mothers’ sex drives:

1. The pressure to be perfect and the exhaustion of motherhood

2. Lack of support from partners and the resulting resentment

3. Difficulty negotiating trauma, including birth trauma

4. Difficulty adjusting to postpartum bodies and a lack of bodily agency

5. The transition into matrescence (a.k.a. the profound physical, psychological, and emotional transition of becoming a mother) and the time needed to adjust to a new self

On top of these issues, the supposed societal ‘taboo’ surrounding motherhood and sex – as if they are two things which should be kept as far apart from one another as possible – hinders women’s access to support and can leave them feeling alone with their struggles.

In her book, Sarah asks: ‘Are you a good mother, or do you like sex?’ to highlight how many assume the two are mutually exclusive.

‘Reading between the social lines,’ she writes, ‘what we are really being asked in this process of becoming [a mother] is the following: Are you going to be a good mother by following societal expectations, or are you going to be one of those rebellious bad mothers who privilege their individualism and – gasp – maybe even their sexual pleasures?’

Reframing thoughts on sex as a mother

So, instead of outdated thoughts on sex and motherhood, how can mothers actually begin to approach the subject of their own sexuality and help their sex lives become more fulfilling?

‘Across my years working in the field of sexuality, I´ve been exposed to every item that can spice up a sex life,’ says Sarah, ‘but instead, for mothers, I think my advice starts with understanding there are so many invisible forces exerting themselves on you and are in your bed without you knowing it.’ 

‘It’s not about how many times you have sex; it’s about having the sex life that makes you – the individual mama – feel fulfilled.’

Sarah Forbes’ book Mama Sex: How a Perfect Storm Caused a Revolution is available now. Follow Sarah on Instagram at @mamasexbook