Why jealousy is normal – and how to stop it damaging your relationship
Seven in ten adults report feeling jealous in their long-term relationships, but there are ways to navigate this healthily
By 
Jealousy is a natural response to insecurity and fear, but how you handle it matters. Experts explain how to understand what’s really driving it, communicate without accusation and build greater trust
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New data from ClarityCheck, surveying almost 10,000 people, has found that roughly 70 per cent of adults get repeatedly jealous in a long-term relationship. This might sound like a lot of peple, but jealous is completely natural. What’s more important, is how we respond to the jealousy that bubbles up within us – it can be the difference between strengthening or imploding a relationship, along with your self-esteem.
Jealousy is the symptom not the issue
Nia Jane, a CORST-registered psychosexual and relationship therapist says that “Jealousy is a perfectly normal, human emotional response that can arise when we perceive a threat to something we value — including our partner, our sense of security, our place in the relationship or even our own sense of desirability.”
In this sense, jealousy is a bit like anxiety. It is a way in which we respond to a deeper, more precise feeling we have. It’s something of a warning. Specifically here, jealousy is a symptom we show that is reacting to what we feel is a threat to our realtionship,
Reuven Rosen, a clinical social worker at ConnectWell Therapy explains that often this fear is really “a fear of not mattering, or fear of being replaced.” Digging deeper from there, we start to get to the issue itself: our insecurities. Why we feel this way can be for any number of reasons – it can be that our partner is socialising more than they used to, or seems to speak with a specific individual more than they used to. Perhaps we feel tired, less enthusiastic, perhaps our body has changed and we worry our partner is losing interest.
Regardless of why (though identifying the reasons is important) Cheryl Kennedy MacDonald, founder of Female Focused Therapy says that we needn’t worry that we feel jealous, but that we must “be are aware and respond to this feeling correctly.” Essentially, we must realise the true issue, and work to relieve our discomfort over it.
Your worries aren’t necessarily true
The fear we feel from jealousy often means catastrophising that our partner is going to leave us or be unfaithful. It’s important to remember that often, these fears aren’t true. Even where they are, or feel as though they are, it is important to do what you can to be objective, “jumping to conclusions is where problems start,” Rosen cautions.
Jane echoes this sentiment, saying that it is “important to distinguish an emotional response from a behavioural response.” What this means in practise is that while we can’t help being jealous at times, we do have control over how we decide to act as a result of it. And ideally, we would want to react in the best interest of ur relationship, which means being calm and communicating rationally.
Speak to your partner about your feelings
To this effect, Rosen says to try and avoid accusations when approaching the topic with your partner. “Avoid opening with “Why are you flirting with them?” because that immediately puts the other person on the defensive. Try something more like, “I noticed I felt really insecure when that happened and I think I need some reassurance.”’ He offers.
Essentially, the right approach is to express that you could use reassurance that things are okay. MacDonald offers a simple approach is to “explain what happened, how it affected you, and what you’re frightened it means.”
While you can’t control how your partner responds, if you are able to articulate your insecurities to them it gives you a chance to work together to strengthen your relationship – they can learn where your insecurities are and you can feel reassured by their words and actions. This can set the foundations for a conversation about boundaries and potential jealousy triggers too.
Communicate your boundaries together
Boundaries are important. We don’t all have the same tolerance when it comes to seeing our partners speak to other people, and some of us are more disposed to jealousy than others. This is why discussing and setting boundaries is so important. Rosen emphasises the importance of communicating these issues, even if it is an uncomfortable conversation, stressing that “neither of you can respect a boundary that’s never actually been discussed.”
MacDonald says that “you shouldn’t assume you and your partner share the same boundaries” adding that the only way to have a sense of where potential issues can arise with jealousy is to “talk and agree boundaries that work for both of you.”
While people may still overstep, or have a change of heart about the relationship, Jane says that “Long-term relationships also require us to recognise that security and certainty aren’t the same thing. No relationship can provide an absolute guarantee that another person will never leave, change their feelings or be attracted to somebody else.”
Where security can be found though, is in “consistent behaviour,” MacDonald says – exemplifying this with “affection and honesty, and quality time.” Developing a secure relationship therefore isn’t about eliminating every possible threat; “it’s about developing enough trust, communication and self-confidence that the uncertainty becomes more tolerable.” Jane says.
Being there to reassure each ther has t be done in a way that is mutually sustainable though. For instance, if your partner happens to be a very sociable person and you aren’t it wouldn’t necessarily be right for them to have to completely upend their social life for you – it would be partly your responsibility to do the work to understand that they have social needs that you don’t and to trust them with their reassurances. As a positive relationship progresses, the hope is that this sense of trust builds within, offering you security.
Ultimately, the goal isn’t necessarily to become a person who never feels jealous, but to become better at recognising the emotion, understanding what sits underneath it, communicating about it without turning it into control, and deciding what action (if any) is actually proportionate and warranted.
