Let’s talk about men’s mental health: How to get the men you love to open up about how they’re feeling

Words: Camilla Foster. Images: Shutterstock.

This summer, debate has been raging on our letters pages over whether we at Psychologies should do more to cater for men. The consensus seems to be that we want to keep Psychologies focused on women, but with some helpful insights as to how to help the men in our lives to deal with their mental health, too.

So this month we’re kicking that off with some ideas about how to start conversations with men around how they’re feeling. Because the reality is that society has come a long way when it comes to discussing our mental health, but it can still be difficult for men in particular to open up when they’re struggling – or for us to know how to broach the topic with them.

‘We know that men in particular still struggle to speak openly about their emotions,’ says Sarah McIntosh, chief executive of Mental Health First Aid (MHFA) England. ‘Traditional male stereotypes and the idea that showing emotion is a sign of weakness are fuelling stigma and preventing lifesaving conversations from happening,’ McIntosh adds.

‘We all need to be more proactive if we think a friend, regardless of gender, is struggling with their mental health or demonstrating suicidal behaviours.’ Tom Ellis, director of the Young Men’s Health Literacy initiative at men’s health charity Movember, explained how to have an open and honest conversation with male family and friends about their mental health…

1. Start gently

Don’t ambush your friend with a big heart-to-heart conversation when they may not yet be ready. ‘Try to avoid being too serious or direct right out the gate,’ suggests Ellis.

‘Rather than starting with a question like, “Hey I’ve been worried about you”, instead try to casually mention something that made you think about them to segue onto more tricky topics.’

2. Ask open-ended questions

‘Ask open-ended questions to give the person a chance to share more info,’ adds Ellis. ‘For example: “I’ve noticed you’ve seemed pretty flat lately… anything on your mind?” Versus a closed question like, “Are you OK?”, which can be answered with a one-word reply.’

Need some ideas? Ellis suggests the following introductory lines:

– How have you been feeling lately?

– What’s been on your mind?

– How has work been going for you?

– What have you been up to lately?

Tone can also be important during these conversations. ‘It’s not just what you ask, but how you ask it,’ says Ellis. ‘Aim to be gentle, patient, and kind. It’ll help put them at ease and encourage them to open up.’ Opening up about your own struggles, if you feel comfortable, can also help get the ball rolling.

3. Be a good listener

If they start to speak, try to resist the urge to jump in with advice and solutions. The important thing is to give them space to open up and let them know you’re really hearing them. ‘A tip to ensure that you’re listening is to periodically repeat back what they’ve shared, and ask if you’ve understood them correctly,’ recommends Ellis. ‘But simply asking questions lets them know you’re engaged and listening.’

4. Be mindful of your body language

Body language can sometimes be more powerful than words, so make sure you are giving the conversation your full attention. ‘Put your phone down for a bit and make sure you are prepared to give your full attention,’ advises Ellis.

‘Body language can make all the difference in helping someone feel open to talking.’ In addition, it might be beneficial to talk shoulder-to-shoulder or while doing an easy activity like walking. ‘Removing the need for direct eye contact can take the pressure off and make the conversation feel less intense, which is a great way to create a comfortable space for more open and vulnerable conversation,’ Ellis explains.

5. Respect their boundaries

Respecting boundaries and ‘reading the room’ can make a big difference, too. ‘Don’t try to force the conversation, rather remind them that you’re always here to listen if they need anything,’ says Ellis. ‘There are always other opportunities to catch up.’

For free, confidential support anyone can call Samaritans helpline 24/7 on 116 123.