Seven signs you’re dating a narcissist: identifying red flags in an abusive relationship
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Psychologies
Narcissistic abuse can be hidden, subtle, and psychologically damaging. Recognising its warning signs can keep you safe.
Abuse by a narcissist is rarely obvious at first. It’s slow, manipulative, and often leaves you doubting your own perceptions. The patterns are subtle, making it difficult to recognise the extent of control and emotional harm until it has already taken a toll.
Narcissistic abuse typically follows a specific cycle, which is a four-stage pattern of behaviours: idealisation, devaluation, discard, and reconciliation.
This abuse cycle is a repetitive pattern used by narcissists to control you. It’s like a rollercoaster of tension, explosion, and temporary calm.
When tension builds, you can feel scared and anxious. Then the narcissist explodes with abuse, making you feel trapped and helpless. Afterwards, they act nice and apologise, giving you breadcrumbs of hope and keeping you attached to them.
This cycle tricks you into thinking that things might get better, making it hard for you to break free from the narcissist’s power and control. You become accepting of the breadcrumbs of love.
Stage 1: Idealisation
Narcissists are great at cognitively knowing just how much they need to do in order for you to stay with them.
This is the first stage of the narcissistic abuse cycle known as the idealisation phase. In this phase, they will shower you with flattery, gifts, praise, approval, attention, and acts of perceived kindness, all acts that will fill the hope hole in your soul, suck you in, and give you hope that the relationship is okay.
At this stage, there’s a release of feel-good hormones such as serotonin, dopamine, and oxytocin.
Stage 2: Devaluation
The next stage of the cycle, devaluation, happens when you don’t change your behaviour in alignment with how the narcissist wants you to. This is a huge trigger for them, so they need to punish you to exert that sense of power.
Devaluation can happen behind closed doors when they are more covert and stealthier, but the overt narcissist takes no shame in devaluing in public. This can make everyone present feel uncomfortable, and can therefore reinforce your shame, as no one sticks up for you out of fear of the reaction of the narcissist.
In this devaluation phase, the narcissist flips their behavior, and you’re faced with criticism, cruelty, disapproval, degradation, rejection, rage, and silent treatment.
In response, you start to produce stress hormones such as cortisol, epinephrine, and norepinephrine.
Stage 3: Discard
The next phase is known as the discard phase. During this phase, the narcissist employs various tactics to sever emotional ties and control you.
They may become emotionally distant, withdraw affection, give you the silent treatment, or exhibit cruel behaviour to diminish your self-esteem.
Gaslighting and blame-shifting are common tools used to make you responsible for the abuse — that’s right, it’s actually your fault.
The narcissist might also seek new partners or interests, looking for what’s known as more narcissistic supply — the “drug” of choice for a narcissist — further isolating you.
This phase can feel emotionally devastating, leaving you confused, hurt, and struggling with a profound sense of loss, abandonment, and rejection, perpetuating the cycle of abuse.
Stage 4: Reconciliation
Sadly, the cycle of abuse does not end there, as narcissists then often “Hoover” their victims back into a relationship.
“Hoovering” is a term used to describe a form of emotional manipulation to suck you back into another cycle of abuse.
When the narcissist feels that they are starting to lose control, they may try to make things better with romantic gestures or attempts to validate your feelings, regaining power and drawing you back into the cycle.
Once you’ve been sucked back in, the cycle of narcissistic abuse starts again.
Your behaviours that show you’re dealing with a narcissist
You excuse their bad behaviour
Narcissists don’t take criticism lightly, and you may find that you start to make excuses for them to family and friends. You may try to improve a situation quietly, then let the narcissist take credit. You may find yourself saying things such as “you don’t know them like I do,” or “they’re just tired.”
You find yourself constantly trying to cover up their behaviour. This is often a self-preservation mechanism because if you don’t make excuses, then you know their behaviour will escalate once you’re home behind closed doors.
To save face, a narcissist may appear to take bad news well publicly, but privately, they can take out their anger on the victim.
You’re on edge all the time
You feel like you’re walking on eggshells when you’re around a narcissist, worrying that what you say or do may be taken out of context, and you may then be yelled at or given the silent treatment.
Every day, when you wake up, you’re trying to sense what type of mood they’re in and hoping that today will be a good day.
You might find yourself not wanting to look in the mirror or wearing grey, black, or baggy clothes, as you don’t want to be visible.
You feel like you’re unable to take deep breaths, constantly shallow breathing as your inner system senses danger, and you can feel weak for staying engaged in the narcissistic relationship.
You jump between emotions and behaviours
Often you feel like you’re angry and want to shout and scream at the narcissist to leave, or you just want to run away. Then, when you don’t, you criticise yourself.
You may feel like you’re just existing and not living your life, and then in the next moment, try to please and appease the narcissist in the hope that they’ll minimise their behaviour.
Words: Caroline Strawson, Images: Shutterstock
