Snapping at your loved ones? Your nervous system might be trying to tell you something
Feeling more impatient or on edge than usual? Here's what's happening in your nervous system.
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If your fuse feels shorter than usual – or you feel on edge all day for no particular reason – your nervous system might be trying to tell you something. Here’s what’s really happening in the nervous system when you feel snappy, impatient or overwhelmed.
Ever experience those days when the tiniest thing is enough to make you snap? When day-to-day stress starts to pile up, your window of tolerance can begin to shrink. As a result, the likelihood of snapping at loved ones or feeling irrationally on edge increases.
‘Most people only ever think about their nervous system when something feels wrong,’ comments Dr Joy Conlon, a psychotherapist at Coyne Medical. ‘They might become more aware of it when anxiety takes over before an important presentation at work. Or, as they lie awake at night ruminating and replaying conversations from the previous few days, wondering if they said the wrong thing.’
‘Some people recognise something is off balance when they find themselves more impatient and snapping at the people they love,’ she adds. ‘For others, they might notice a pattern of waking up feeling just as exhausted as they did when they went to bed, despite having had a full night’s sleep.’
While isolated events might not feel like a big deal, patterns can begin to emerge over time – and these can signal something deeper is going on within your nervous system. ‘These experiences often seem to come out of nowhere, but they rarely do,’ Dr Joy explains. ‘We simply become more and more aware of the repeated experiences while simultaneously finding it harder to ignore them. We realise we cannot explain them away as a one-off occurrence and suddenly life feels somewhat out of control.’
The role of the nervous system
When you first start experiencing these moments of frustration, impatience or anxiety, you might be tempted to push them to one side. But according to Dr Joy, listening is the most important first step. ‘Believe it or not, your nervous system will have been communicating with you long before you reach these “edges” or breaking points,’ she explains.
Without you even realising it, your nervous system is always working around the clock to keep you safe. ‘Every second of every day, it is gathering information from both your internal body and the external world around you,’ Dr Joy explains. ‘It notices your workload, the impact of your work environment, your relationships, your sleep quality, the conversations you have, the pressures you carry and the uncertainty you face. Even the thoughts that repeatedly occupy your mind.’
‘It is constantly scanning your environments and asking one simple question: “Is this environment safe enough for me to thrive, or do I need to protect myself?”,’ she continues. ‘Based on the answer it comes up, your nervous system quietly adjusts your body and mind to help you survive, adapt and perform.’
As well as monitoring every area of your life, the nervous system is also heavily involved in how you feel and interact with the world around you. ‘It influences your heartbeat, breathing, energy levels, digestion, concentration, emotions and even the decisions you make,’ Dr Joy adds. ‘In many ways, it is the silent operating system running in the background of your life. You may not always notice it, but it is constantly influencing how you experience life and how well you perform.’
Why your nervous system feels dysregulated
You might assume only huge life events are capable of knocking your nervous system off balance. But it seems your everyday experiences – once they add up – could have the greatest impact. ‘Your nervous system is incredibly intelligent,’ says Dr Joy. ‘It doesn’t just react to major life events. It pays attention to the accumulation of everyday experiences. Whether it’s a difficult email, a rushed morning, an unresolved disagreement, weeks of poor sleep, constant multitasking, never taking a proper break, feeling underappreciated or worrying about someone you love.’
‘On their own,’ she continues, ‘these experiences may seem insignificant. But together they create a picture that your nervous system responds to. The problem is that most of us have never been taught how to read and respond to this information. A bigger problem is that many of us have been told to ignore the information our nervous system shares with us.’
Constant productivity is hugely normalised – and celebrated – in modern society, no matter the stress, exhaustion and frustration that happen along the way. As a result, many people don’t respond to their struggles with kindness or understanding: they respond with self-criticism. ‘Instead of recognising day to day experiences as valuable feedback, we often turn against ourselves,’ Dr Joy adds. ‘We criticise ourselves for procrastinating, or become frustrated that we cannot concentrate – even though we have been living on 4 hours of sleep for weeks.’
Understanding the messages
When you’re struggling, it can be all too easy to be hard on yourself and try to power through. ‘Many people assume they have become lazy, weak or disorganised,’ comments Dr Joy. ‘They compare themselves to others and think, “If they can do it, I should be able to manage”. But what if these behaviours aren’t character flaws – what if they’re actually messages? What if your nervous system has been trying to get your attention all along?’
If you feel like your nervous system has been out of whack recently, Dr Joy says it’s time to tune inwards. ‘Your nervous system is trying to get you to wake up and notice that something needs to change,’ she explains. ‘Your nervous system doesn’t communicate in words. It communicates through sensations, emotions, thoughts and behaviours. When you know how to recognise those signals, you stop asking, “What’s wrong with me?” and begin asking a much more helpful question: “What is my nervous system trying to tell me? And what do I need right now to help shift me out of this pattern?”.’
‘That single shift in self-talk changes everything,’ she adds. ‘Instead of responding to yourself with self-criticism, you respond with curiosity. Instead of fighting your body, you begin working with it. And instead of viewing stress as an enemy, you start to understand it as information. And that is where meaningful change begins.’
Dr Joy Conlon is a psychotherapist at Coyne Medical whose work is grounded in neuroscience, psychological research and evidence-based therapeutic practice.
