What does “Narcissist” really mean? Understanding overt and covert narcissism
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Psychologies
Narcissism is more than just self-centredness. From overt showmanship to covert manipulation, understanding the traits of narcissists can help you recognise unhealthy relationships and protect yourself.
Are you living with a narcissist? It’s the insult of choice for many on social media right now. But what does narcissist really mean? And how do you know if you’re in a relationship with one? It’s vital to know the classic signs of a narcissist so you know what you’re dealing with, and can help protect yourself.
It’s slow and it chips away at the core of you who you are without you even realising it. This is what makes it so hard, because narcissists do all of this behind closed doors. They have one face for the public and one for you.
Overt narcissism: Traits and warning signs
An overt narcissist is someone who thinks they’re incredibly special and important. They believe they’re better than everyone else and want everyone to see them that way too. They love attention and will do things to get it such as bragging about themselves or showing off their achievements, even if they’re not that amazing.
Overt narcissists often lack empathy. This means that they don’t really understand or care about how other people feel. They might say or do things that hurt others without even realizing it. They also tend to be really good at manipulating people to get what they want. They might be very charming or use flattery to make others do things for them.
Overt narcissists also feel entitled. They think that they deserve special treatment and that the rules don’t apply to them. If they don’t get their way they get angry or upset.
But despite their confident exterior, many overt narcissists actually have low self esteem. Deep down. They use their big personality and bragging to hide their insecurities.
Dealing with an overt narcissist means setting boundaries to protect yourself and taking care of your own well being, as they may not prioritise your feelings or needs.
Covert narcissism: The hidden threat
Covert narcissists can be the most dangerous type of narcissist because their behavior is often difficult to recognize, leaving you confused, frustrated and trapped in the relationship.
Covert narcissists are skilled at tactics such as manipulation, gaslighting and emotional abuse. They can make you feel guilty, inferior and responsible for their problems. They use charm and flattery to gain the trust and admiration of others, but ultimately, their behavior is driven by a deep sense of entitlement and a lack of empathy.
Covert narcissists are skilled at hiding their true nature behind a facade of vulnerability and victimhood, and because covert narcissists hide their true selves, you may not realize you’re being abused until it’s too late.
Leaving the relationship is a struggle as the covert narcissist convinces you that you are the problem.
Why covert narcissists are so hard to spot
Here are some reasons why spotting a covert narcissist is like finding a needle in a haystack.
Covert narcissists are adept at masking their inflated self of sense of self importance, they can convincingly act as the victim or the martyr, drawing sympathy and admiration from those around them.
Unlike their overt counterparts, covert narcissists employ subtle manipulation tactics, often leaving you questioning your own judgment. Gaslighting and guilt tripping are their weapons of choice.
Covert narcissists have an uncanny ability to appear vulnerable, fragile and emotionally sensitive. This draws caring souls like moths to a flame, making it challenging to believe they could be anything but genuine.
Covert narcissists often criticize indirectly, disguised as constructive feedback or concern for your well being. They undermine your self esteem while appearing concerned for your growth.
These individuals can switch between their charming, caring persona and their hidden narcissistic side in the blink of an eye. One moment, they’re your biggest supporter, the next, they’re undermining your achievements.
Narcissists know how to manipulate and chip away at your self esteem. Slowly but surely, they make you doubt your own perceptions and feelings, leaving you feeling like a mere shell of your former self.
Healing from narcissistic abuse
Be kind to yourself. Narcissistic abuse is abuse. It’s trauma to the very core. Healing from its effects can take time, but it is not a life sentence.
It requires a holistic approach, including support groups, therapy, trauma-informed coaching, mindfulness and meditation, journaling, and self-care.
You are not stupid. You are not at fault. You are abused. You are not alone.
Words: Caroline Strawson, Images: Shutterstock
