The invisible grief of menopause – why you can miss the woman you were without wanting your old life back

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Menopause can throw up a lot for women, but perhaps one of the most overlooked experiences is the strange sense of grief that can come with becoming a different version of yourself.

You can be perfectly happy with your life and still miss the woman you once were. You can mourn your younger body, your old energy levels, your sex drive or simply the feeling that you had endless time ahead of you – without actually wanting to turn back the clock.

For me personally, menopause has made me miss my sense of youth and the buzz I once got rushing into town for meetings with seemingly boundless energy. And, if I’m being truthful, there are plenty of other things I miss too.

My old body is one. My libido is another, particularly when you throw the physical discomfort that menopause can bring into the mix.

But why can this stage of life trigger such a profound sense of loss?

I spoke to experts about the psychology behind what could be described as the ‘invisible grief’ of menopause, what it can tell us about ourselves and how we can begin to make peace with the person we are becoming.

And, as someone who has experienced some of these feelings myself, I’ve shared the things that have helped me too.

Why menopause can feel like a loss

According to psychologist Dr Natalie Bernstein, an adjunct professor at The Chicago School, the subject is so important that she is currently in discussions with book agents about it.

You can find out more about her work at Dr Natalie Bernstein’s website.

“While menopause isn’t necessarily the cause on its own, it’s a tremendous time of transition: physically, emotionally, and even logistically as children start to become even more independent and leave the home. All those changes can create a strong sense of loss. Grief is a natural response.

“However, many don’t fully understand how significant the impact can be and oftentimes women are left to navigate this new time in their lives on their own,” she explained.

And that’s perhaps why this particular type of grief can be so difficult to recognise.

Nobody has died. Your life may actually be going rather well. Yet you can still experience a powerful sense that something has ended.

“Women can often struggle with their feelings of grief, disappointment, or restlessness, blaming themselves for not feeling “grateful enough” for the lives they have. Others may not understand or dismiss their experience.

“They are given so much advice to accept the aging process like journaling, meditation and exercise, but it overlooks the emotional impact of menopause. Women can feel alone in this struggle or not want to share or complain.

“Many women respond with a sense of pressure to “not” feel this way or to “do something” to fill the space rather than validate themselves through the changes and enter a time of reflection.”

You can miss your old self without wanting her back

In her work, Dr Bernstein is conscious that menopausal women can experience grief for what they once had.

But rather than seeing menopause as a point at which we need to completely reinvent ourselves, she encourages women to view it as a period of rediscovery.

“Menopause can be a natural starting point for creating a new life that feels good for them, without all the sacrifices and accommodations required in the past,” she adds.

Occupational therapist Dr Jessica Mack also believes the concept of ‘invisible grief’ during menopause is important.

“Sometimes we grieve the loss or change of a version of ourselves, of a role we once held, of the way one’s body once looked or felt, or even the sense that we have moved on to a different stage of life,” she explained.

“For many women, menopause can bring an unexpected confrontation with identity. There can be a sense of “who am I now?” when it coincides with other transitions such as children aging and growing more independent, changes in careers, parents aging, changes in friendships and relationships.”

In other words, menopause doesn’t necessarily happen in isolation. It can arrive at the same time as multiple other reminders that life is changing.

‘Who am I now?’

Dr Mack believes we shouldn’t immediately try to push away the uncomfortable feelings this transition can create.

“From my perspective as a therapist, I think it is important to normalize that period of disorientation rather than immediately try to fix it. Sometimes the discomfort is actually information.

“It may be telling us that the identity, routines, priorities or expectations that carried us through one season of life no longer fits the season we are entering.

“That is where realignment becomes more powerful. Instead of asking “how can I get my old self back?,” begin asking “who am I becoming now and what do I want the next chapter to look like?””

Menopause can certainly represent an ending, she acknowledges, and women should be allowed to recognise the grief that may accompany it.

“But an ending can also create space, and it can be an opportunity to reconsider what matters, and to let go of what no longer serves us.

“One of the messages I return to in my work is that realignment is not about starting over. It is about taking everything you have learned, lived through, and become, and deciding what you want to carry forward.”

The two types of grief women can experience

For many menopausal women, the idea of entering the ‘second half’ of life will feel familiar.

It’s something psychologist Meredith Sjoberg, who works with midlife women, regularly encounters. You can find out more about her work at Meredith Sjoberg’s website.

“When women reach menopause, they recognize that they are in a different stage of life, reproductively for sure, but they also realize they are in the second half. They don’t necessarily feel “young” and yet they know they aren’t “old”.

“One of the things that happens as women move through perimenopause and into menopause is a major psychological transition. This is in addition to the fluctuating hormones and all the symptoms.”

According to Sjoberg, there are two main forms this grief can take – and one isn’t necessarily about losing something you once had.

“There is grief for what was and how they were – this includes things that have changed and things they’ve lost: And there is grief for what wasn’t and ways they didn’t get to be or things they didn’t get to do.

“Grieving something that was is different than grieving something that wasn’t. Both matter,” she explains.

That second form of grief can be particularly poignant.

Menopause can make the passing of time feel suddenly more tangible. It can prompt thoughts not only about the life you’ve lived, but the things you haven’t done and the versions of yourself you never became.

What helped me cope with the invisible grief of menopause

As someone who has experienced some of these feelings myself, I’ve learned that trying to pretend they don’t exist doesn’t make them disappear.

These are the things that have helped me – and which I hope might help other women experiencing the same thing.

Let yourself grieve

Allow the grief in rather than pushing it away or telling yourself you’re selfish for feeling that way.

You can miss the old version of yourself without believing your best years are over.

And don’t feel ashamed because you think your feelings aren’t valid. They are.

Acknowledging that you miss certain parts of your old life doesn’t mean you aren’t grateful for the one you have now.

Remember that your best life is NOT behind you

If menopause makes you feel as though your youth is behind you, it can also bring an uncomfortable awareness of the passage of time.

Yes, that might make you think about your mortality. But I try to turn that thought on its head.

Instead of concentrating on time that has passed, I look at this as another stage of life – one that still has endless possibilities.

Your best life is NOT behind you.

Stop fighting your changing body

Do I miss my younger body? Yes, I do!

But getting older has also made me realise that appearance doesn’t matter to me quite as much as it once did.

Instead, I focus on what my body can actually do.

I can run. I can play padel. I can dance. I can move and function well.

That’s worth celebrating.

Screw that pesky meno belly!

Accept that your social life might change too

Have you lost your mojo and can’t be bothered to go out at night?

You’re certainly not alone.

My friends and I happily admit that we cannot be bothered to go out on a weeknight anymore.

And that’s OK.

Rather than beating yourself up because your social life doesn’t look the way it did 20 years ago, make weekend plans that give you a sense of connection with the people you love – and something to look forward to.

You don’t need to recreate your younger social life to have a fulfilling one now.

Don’t panic if your sex drive has changed

Not having as much sex as you used to?

Lower libido is common around menopause, and changes in desire don’t mean there’s something wrong with you.

Your desire for sex may not feel the same as it did in your twenties – although some women may find their sex lives improve with age.

If a loss of libido or discomfort is bothering you, speak to a healthcare professional about the options available. Depending on your individual circumstances, these can include addressing vaginal symptoms, reviewing medications or discussing hormonal treatments.

You’re not starting again – you’re moving forward

Perhaps one of the most reassuring things I’ve learned is that menopause doesn’t have to mean losing the woman you were.

You don’t have to erase her, replace her or desperately try to get her back.

You can miss your younger body. You can miss having more energy. You can miss your old sex drive, the roles you once played and even the sense that you had all the time in the world.

And you can still be excited about what’s coming next.

As Dr Mack puts it, realignment isn’t about starting over. It’s about taking everything you’ve learned, lived through and become – and deciding what you want to carry with you into the next chapter.