Beware the silent saboteurs: why the support of a narcissist could be quietly destabilising your confidence

Even those who appear supportive can secretly undermine your ambitions. Psychologist Dr Ritz Birah and creative coach Sheryl Garratt explain how narcissistic traits and subtle sabotage erode confidence — and how to protect yourself

Sometimes the people closest to us are also the ones most likely to subtly undermine our goals. Known as silent saboteurs, these individuals often appear supportive while their behaviour, energy, or micro-expressions quietly destabilise confidence and creativity. In many cases, these patterns overlap with narcissistic traits: envy, insecurity, or the need to maintain superiority can make someone react negatively to another’s success. Psychologist Dr Ritz Birah and creative coach Sheryl Garratt share strategies to spot these patterns and safeguard your ideas.

When your good news doesn’t seem so good any more

You’ve probably been there yourself. You’re full of excitement about a new plan or some good news: a promotion, a new relationship, a baby. You go to tell a friend, maybe even a parent or a partner. And their response is… underwhelming. You’re sure you spot a quick eyebrow raise, or a curl of the lip, before they seem to switch on, and become more supportive.

Or perhaps they question you — in the guise of care and concern — about whether you can cope. “Is that new partner really the right one for you?” “That sounds like a lot of extra work, how will you manage?” “All those sleepless nights — rather you than me!”

And suddenly, you’re questioning it yourself.

When support hides silent sabotage

Silent saboteurs may be a parent, partner, friend, colleague, or sibling. They rarely voice criticism openly, instead masking disapproval behind supportive words.

“There’s a flicker of contempt that might cross their face before it settles back into its usual visage,” says Dr Ritz. “A raised eyebrow in response to sharing a goal might seem tiny, but if it comes from someone we love, admire, or fear disappointing, it can land like judgement. The nervous system is wired for connection and safety, so subtle gestures signalling disapproval feel threatening.”

When these patterns are paired with narcissistic tendencies, the behaviour often serves to protect the saboteur’s self-image. Their envy or need to feel superior can drive subtle undermining that destabilises your confidence, even when they outwardly appear supportive.

Body language, micro-expressions and narcissistic cues

“Body language carries emotional truth that often bypasses conscious filters,” explains Dr Ritz. “It is rooted in the body, shaped by experience, and can speak more honestly than words. When a person speaks, they might carefully choose their language, but the body reveals what the nervous system believes to be safe or unsafe, wanted or unwanted, congruent or conflicted.”

Micro-expressions — fleeting, involuntary facial movements — often reveal suppressed emotions such as resentment, envy, or even pleasure at another’s expense. “Micro-expressions are clues to deeper, unspoken truths — a flash of resentment or envy leaks out before being masked again,” says Dr Ritz.

She continues, “When someone sees another person achieving or growing, it can activate their own sense of inadequacy. Instead of expressing this openly, they may offer superficial support while unconsciously undermining progress, preserving their self-image. When narcissistic traits are present, this behaviour may be more intentional, rooted in a need for control, power, or superiority.”

Nurturing your creative sparks

Sheryl Garratt, a coach for creative professionals, emphasises the fragility of early ideas. “Ideas are fragile things, easily frightened away. We have to act on them as soon as they come—or they might disappear—and handle them carefully because they might break. I work with people at the top of their creative fields — musicians, A-list actors, best-selling authors. The gap between the perfect idea in your head and the imperfect thing you’re creating never fully closes.”

“In this gap, other people’s behaviour can take root,” she says. “Like a vine wrapping around a tree, you can end up unable to separate your project from the person who seems to silently have a problem with it. This is especially true when someone’s narcissistic tendencies make them react to your creativity with envy or subtle control.”

The deep impact of silent sabotage

Dr Ritz explains that prolonged exposure to silent sabotage can erode confidence. “Being around someone whose words are affirming but whose energy undermines leads to confusion. It can cause people to second-guess instincts, diminish confidence, and internalise a sense of being ‘too much’ or ‘not enough.’ Repeated patterns, especially in relationships involving love or loyalty, can lead to self-silencing, chronic self-doubt, and shame. The disconnect between what is said and felt erodes trust in both the relationship and self-perception.”

When narcissistic traits are involved, this effect can intensify. “The silent saboteur may unconsciously or deliberately prioritise their self-image over your growth, making the undermining harder to detect and more damaging over time,” Dr Ritz adds.

Reclaiming confidence from narcissistic undermining

“You can start to combat the effects by being honest about how you feel around them,” says Dr Ritz. “Awareness is often the first point of return to oneself. It’s like coming out of a fog and realising, ‘Oh, that’s what that feeling was.’ From that point, you can distance yourself, limit what you share, or avoid them entirely.”

“Taking back your power doesn’t always look dramatic,” she continues. “Sometimes it’s as quiet as deciding to trust your feelings, stop seeking permission, and celebrate wins—even if someone else looks away.”

For past experiences, self-compassion is essential. “It’s okay to grieve the version of the relationship you thought you had, to grieve the lost time, self-doubt, and the parts of you that stayed small. Healing begins with acknowledging it as a form of betrayal — even if not overt. Trusting wasn’t foolish; it was human. Going forward, you get to choose differently.”

Spotting narcissistic silent saboteurs

Dr Ritz shares subtle cues, especially when repeated:

• Split-second sneer or curling of the lip
• Micro-frown when you share good news
• Eyes narrowing briefly before returning to neutral
• Fluttering eyelids or short eye rolls
• Subtle sighs or inappropriate chuckles
• Avoiding gaze during discussions of exciting plans
• Tense jaw or teeth grinding during supportive comments
• Slight head tilt away or micro-shakes of the head

“None of these on their own are proof, but together they form a pattern that may reveal repeated undermining. Narcissistic traits can amplify the subtlety and impact of these behaviours,” she says.

Words: Greta Solomon, Images: Shutterstock