Is your relationship getting lost in the scroll? How to stop tech from replacing meaningful time together

Words: Aly Bullock. Images: Shutterstock.

Technology has helped millions of couples bridge the gap of distance, learn relationship skills that save marriages, and even remember the grocery list so as not to start a fight. It has also made affairs instantly accessible, replaced couple time with ‘brain rot’ scrolling, and become an overstimulating background noise that colours conversations with stress and distraction. Ping.

Lucy and Jeremy* came to my office. Jeremy was ready to end the relationship, and Lucy was determined to fight for it. The problem? According to him, she was ‘bad in bed’. ‘That’s not fair,’ she pushed back. ‘Ever since you brought it up, I’ve been trying to make changes and meet your needs.’

But for him, it was too late. He told her, ‘Thousands of people on Reddit agree with me that you’re the problem.’ I stepped in. ‘What do you mean, thousands of people agree with you? How would they know the ins and outs of your private life?’

‘Well,’ he began, ‘I felt lonely and wanted answers, so I went online. I’m part of chat rooms where people are struggling with the same things as me, and it’s validating to feel heard and get advice.’ Naively, I was shocked. ‘All of this without consulting your partner before sharing private details about your sex life?’ He didn’t see the problem. He’d changed their names, so in his view, it was ‘no big deal’.

The double-edged sword of digital intimacy

As a licensed couples therapist and head of relationships at Paired, I’m constantly weighing the pros and cons of tech, and its impact on relationships. One thing keeps coming to mind: technology is neither good nor bad — it’s a tool. The same app that damages one couple’s bond can save another’s, depending on how it’s used.

The same phone that sends ‘I love you’ every night can also be used to call a secret lover. Instead of avoiding tech altogether, we need to pay attention to how our use impacts our relationships daily and then create boundaries and habits that maximise the benefits while minimising the risks.

When AI becomes the third wheel

Let’s take AI as an example. AI is everywhere now. Whether you like it or not, it’s a tool that is here to stay. Couples these days are using AI to plan their dates (if you haven’t tried this yet, I’ll give you a script in the box opposite!), to interpret what their partner says, and even to give them dirty talk ideas that they think their partner would be into.

Yet, without personal guardrails and boundaries, a person in a committed, human relationship can also end up in an addictive and validating relationship with an AI companion, and start to keep this a secret just as they would a human affair. Harmless, you think? Not harmless.

If you’re having chat sex with your AI bot who always knows just the right thing to say or do and you never have to reciprocate, real life sex is going to become boring and frustrating quickly. When you’re trying to determine which AI or tech activities to spend your time on, the question to ask yourself is: Is this helping or harming my relationship?

In Jeremy’s case, what felt like finding community quickly turned into confiding in strangers rather than in Lucy, ultimately leading him to quietly quit the relationship before she was aware there was a problem.

Privacy and boundaries in the digital age

I can’t talk about love and tech without also addressing the obvious — privacy. Relationships are vulnerable and it can feel risky to share sensitive data online. The truth is, it’s nearly impossible to know where that data ends up. A few years ago I was driving with one of my best friends and she asked me to pick up her phone and start the navigation. Whoops!!

She squeaked as she saw a personal sexy pic she had sent to her husband. We laughed about it, but this really drove home the point for me that even when you think something is private, it rarely is. Remember the Ashley Madison data breach in 2015? Millions of affairs were exposed overnight.

That’s the reality of our digital age. I don’t share this to alarm, but to emphasise: couple information deserves boundaries. Operate under the assumption that anything could leak. If you’re okay with that, great! If not, be cautious. And remember, it’s couple information, not just personal information, so you’ve got to have a conversation with your partner and agree together on what technology use you are comfortable with as a unit.

Tech that brings us closer

Although there’s plenty of doom and gloom to go around, working in the relationship tech space has given me a new appreciation for the way that technology enhances (not replaces) real, human connection. Through Paired, we’ve used AI to create personalised relationship insights that help couples identify their strength and growth areas.

Here, AI is sparking conversations couples might not think to have on their own, surfacing unexpected but important topics that deepen connection. And couples are encouraged to address these problems together.

When my question of the day asks ‘How do you heal after an argument?’ and I read my husband’s response: ‘A hug means so much to me, I don’t need much else.’ I smile, I put down my phone, and I go find him. I embrace him and breathe into that feeling of being settled in someone’s arms. He smiles at me and asks ‘what was that for?’ and I say ‘just because…’

3 Ways to Be More Intentional With Tech as a Couple

There are plenty of ways to enhance your relationship with technology, and I’m going to share some of the most common that I encourage in my private work with couples.

1. Use AI for at-home date planning.

No more excuses that you can’t think of anything or don’t have enough time, here’s your script: We are a couple who have been together for [X years]. We want an at-home date night tonight and have [X minutes] available. We are both feeling [X emotion/mood] this evening. Please generate 3 creative at-home date night ideas that: 1. Fit within our available time, 2. Match our current mood, and 3. Encourage fun, connection, or intimacy. Provide a short description for each idea, including what we’ll need and how to get started.

2. Swap disconnecting tech time for connecting tech time.

Let’s say you watch a show every night at the same time, but you’re not watching together because you’re both also scrolling. Make it a rule to put your phones away and watch together — you’ll have something to talk and laugh about and feel much more connected.

3. Sit down together for a discussion on tech boundaries in your relationship.

Answer these three questions:

What tech-free times or spaces do we want to protect each day and how will we communicate when one of us is not adhering to that agreement?

What information about our relationship are we comfortable sharing with technology anytime, comfortable sharing after consulting each other, or never comfortable sharing?

When technology has helped us feel closer in our relationship? How can we commit to using that technology more, and is there any tech that we want to eliminate because it pulls us apart?

Technology is here to stay, but it doesn’t have to mean the end of in-person connection. Think of it as a tool and use it to enhance what you care about most.

Aly Bullock is head of relationships at Paired and a marriage and family therapist who is dedicated to helping couples build stronger, more fulfilling partnerships. relationshipswithaly.com