Can a workplace affair ever be equal when one person has more power?

Words: Shamila Mhearban

When a workplace affair involves two people at different levels of seniority, the most important question is not simply, “Did they both want it?” It’s: how freely could each person make that choice?

Workplace relationships are complicated because attraction does not happen in a vacuum. One person may influence the other’s pay, progression, visibility, workload, reputation or access to opportunities. Even when the relationship feels genuinely mutual, that imbalance can make consent, decision-making and consequences far less straightforward.

This is where many organizations, and many individuals, get caught out. We tend to think about power only when something obviously coercive happens.

But power is often much quieter than that.

It can sound like: “Of course you can say no.”

While the other person is thinking: “But what happens to my professional choices if I do?”

And when an affair is involved, where one or both people already have partners, secrecy adds another layer. The relationship can begin to shape workplace behavior long before anyone else knows it exists.

The real issue is freedom

A useful way to think about power is not “Who is more senior?” but “Who has more freedom?”

Who can end the relationship with fewer consequences? Who can ask for distance without losing access or opportunity? Who is more likely to be believed if the situation deteriorates?

Whose professional reputation is more protected?

If the answers consistently favor one person, the relationship is not operating on completely equal ground.

That does not automatically mean the more junior person has no agency, or that every workplace relationship involving seniority is exploitative. Adults are capable of making complex choices. But pretending the hierarchy is irrelevant is equally unrealistic.

In leadership, intention matters. But impact matters more

The hidden impact on everyone else

There is another group easily overlooked in conversations about workplace affairs: colleagues.

Once a relationship exists between a leader and someone whose career they influence, every decision can become open to interpretation.

Was that promotion deserved? Why was that person invited into the meeting? Why were they protected when somebody else was challenged? Why did they get the opportunity?

The decisions may have been entirely legitimate. But leadership is not only about being fair; it is also about creating conditions in which people can trust that fairness.

Perceived favoritism can damage a team even when actual favoritism has not occurred.

This is why seniority brings greater responsibility. The more organizational power you hold, the less convincing “we are both adults” becomes as the entire ethical argument.

If you are already in this situation

Start by separating the emotional relationship from the professional structure around it

Ask yourself: do either of us directly influence the other’s performance assessment, promotion, pay, workload or access to opportunities? If so, that needs addressing rather than being managed informally between the two of you. This may require some tough internal reflection.

Check your organization’s policy. Some employers require workplace relationships to be disclosed, particularly where there is a reporting line or potential conflict of interest.

Finally, consider what would happen if the relationship ended badly. Not because it necessarily will, but because a healthy decision should still look responsible under less favorable circumstances.

Could both people continue to work safely and fairly? Is there an independent person either could approach? Have professional decisions been protected from the relationship?

These questions are not very romantic. And that is precisely the point.

Leadership means thinking beyond what feels acceptable today and considering what you are making possible tomorrow.

The test I would use

If you are the more senior person, ask yourself one uncomfortable question:

“If this person had absolutely nothing to gain from me professionally, and nothing to lose by rejecting me, would I be equally confident that this relationship was freely chosen?”

You may still answer yes.

But if the question makes you uneasy, pay attention to that.

Power does not automatically make a relationship wrong. What it does is place a greater duty on the person who holds more of it.

And in the workplace, good judgment is rarely demonstrated by asking only, “Can I do this?”

The more revealing question is, “Given the position I hold, what responsibility comes with the choice I am making?”

Shamila Mhearban is a leadership coach, member of Forbes Coaches Council and founder of The Leadership Growth Hub, specializing in leadership development, workplace behavior and executive coaching