An affair can leave behind a complicated trail of hurt, anger, questions and self-doubt. Even when you know, logically, that you deserve to move forward, your mind can keep returning to the same painful questions: Why did this happen? Was I not enough? Could I have stopped it? How do I ever trust again?

Healing isn’t about pretending it didn’t happen, or about rushing yourself into forgiveness or forgetting. Sometimes, moving on begins with hearing the words you desperately needed to hear when everything fell apart.

The words that remind you that someone else’s choices do not define your worth, that you are allowed to grieve what you thought you had, and that there can still be a life filled with love, confidence and joy on the other side of betrayal.

When deception strikes

Counsellor and author of Game Over: Uncovering the Secrets of Unhealthy Relationship Behaviours and Manipulation, Julia Summers, says that it’s often the deception surrounding the affair that causes the greatest psychological harm.

‘When the truth is discovered by accident or revealed gradually, with further details emerging after repeated denials, every new discovery can feel like another betrayal. The person cannot begin making sense of what happened while the facts are still changing.’

To begin moving on, there are key things you need to see happen to kickstart the process.

‘If a couple decides to repair the relationship, it requires much more than an apology,’ says Julia. ‘The person who had the affair needs to take responsibility without blaming their partner, show empathy for the impact, answer reasonable questions honestly and demonstrate through consistent behaviour that they can be trusted. They may also need to accept that their partner’s trust will fluctuate and that recovery cannot be rushed.

‘Statements such as, ‘Why can’t you move on?’, ‘You’re too paranoid’ or ‘I said I was sorry’ do not repair trust. They place pressure on the person who was hurt to stop showing the impact of something they did not choose.’

It’s your choice

There’s no correct decision and Julia adds that deciding to stay or leave is always a personal choice.

‘Some relationships do recover and become stronger because difficult issues are addressed openly, but this takes hard work, honest reflection and accountability. In many ways, the couple must build a new relationship together rather than trying to return to exactly what they had before. 

‘For some people, too much trust has been lost, or the person who betrayed them is unwilling to take responsibility. What matters is that the person affected is allowed to make their decision without being blamed, rushed or told how they ought to feel.’

Making sense of the ‘why’

Understanding why someone cheats is usually the first thing everyone wants the answer to, but it’s never usually clean cut.

Julia adds, ‘Sometimes infidelity is not simply about attraction, opportunity or dissatisfaction. It can form part of a wider pattern of unhealthy relationship behaviour, where somebody uses other people to create jealousy, punish their partner, make them feel replaceable or keep them competing for love and reassurance.

‘I would look closely at what happens when the affair is discovered. Genuine remorse involves honesty, empathy, accountability and a willingness to repair the harm. Denying, minimising, blaming the partner or pressuring them to move on continues the betrayal rather than repairing it.’

Infidelity can involve many different forms of manipulation, including gaslighting, lying by omission, blame and apologies without accountability. 

‘These behaviours can compound the original hurt and make it much harder for the person who was betrayed to understand what has happened and begin recovering.’

Actions you need to see and hear

• Your partner must take responsibility without redirecting blame onto you

• Show empathy for the impact created

• Willing to answer reasonable questions, honestly

• Demonstrate trust through consistent behaviours