You still love each other. So why are things so quiet in the bedroom now?

From children and work to exhaustion, changing bodies and shifting desire, long-term intimacy rarely stays the same. What matters isn’t matching the past — but understanding what has changed.

One of the more unsettling moments in a long relationship is realising that you don’t have sex like you used to. Perhaps there was a time when it happened without much thought. You didn’t have to find the time, make the effort or wonder whether you were both in the mood. Now there are weeks when it simply doesn’t happen.

It can be easy to look at that change and assume something has gone wrong. Perhaps you’re less attracted to each other. Or you’ve become more like friends. Perhaps the relationship has lost something that it once had.

But according to Dr Deepali Misra-Sharp, a menopause doctor for digital health platform Voy, sexual frequency isn’t static throughout a relationship — and a change doesn’t automatically mean you’ve lost attraction.

The beginning is a difficult act to follow

New relationships tend to come with “novelty, excitement and that intense early attraction”, says Dr Misra-Sharp.

Sex can be frequent because everything about the other person feels new. You are discovering each other, making time for each other and desire can seem to arrive almost without being invited.

It is entirely normal for that to settle as a relationship becomes more established. Long-term relationships don’t exist in a bubble.

“Children arrive, jobs become demanding, parents require care, people become exhausted, or health changes occur,” says Dr Misra-Sharp.

“At those points, there is simply very little time or headspace left for intimacy.”

Sofie Roos, a licensed sexologist and relationship therapist at Swedish relationship magazine Passionerad, says desire can be affected by almost anything happening to the body, brain or wider life circumstances. That means pregnancy, young children, illness, stress, lack of sleep, medication, menopause, grief and major life changes. All the things that happen all the time.

“Almost everything that affects the body, soul, brain and one’s life situation has an impact on desire,” she says.

Your libido isn’t fixed

We also tend to think of libido as something stable — as though we are either naturally a high-desire or low-desire person.

Roos says that’s not how sexuality necessarily works. “People’s sex lives go up and down throughout life,” she says. “It’s normal for the quality as well as the quantity to change.”

Getting older doesn’t automatically mean having a worse sex life, either. “You won’t be the same person sexually when you’re 20, 40 and 60,” says Roos. “And that’s not only normal but also extremely okay.”

A change in desire can be part of ordinary life. But it can also be worth investigating if it is sudden, distressing or accompanied by other physical or emotional changes.

The reasons for changing libido aren’t always biological. Stress can make sex feel like one more demand. Exhaustion can leave little energy for intimacy. Hormonal changes and medication can play a role. But relationship dynamics matter too.

“If you’re in a relationship with lots of conflict, lacking communication, the feeling of not being seen or that there’s pressure around sex and intimacy, then that will have a major negative impact on your lust,” says Roos.

A difference in desire doesn’t mean either person is broken

Long-term couples don’t necessarily have matching libidos. One person may want sex several times a week while the other is happy with once a month. That doesn’t automatically make either person’s desire abnormal.

In fact, Roos says the way people perceive their own libido can depend partly on who they are partnered with. “One person can experience that they have high libido with one partner who likes to have sex once a month, but low desire with someone who wants to have sex every day,” she says.

The issue isn’t necessarily the difference itself. It is what that difference does to the relationship.

“It becomes problematic first if it leads to stress, conflict, resentment or a feeling that one person constantly has to adapt to the other person’s lust,” says Roos.

She suggests asking: “Are we happy with how our sex life works, and if not, can we talk about it without blaming each other?”

And if a change in desire is causing distress, she says it is worth seeking help rather than simply assuming it is something you have to live with.

“If your libido is or gets low, it’s wise to seek help if it makes you feel bad,” she says, particularly if it comes alongside pain, depression, strong tiredness or other bodily changes.

Your relationship isn’t supposed to stay exactly the same

A long-term relationship is not meant to be measured against its earliest version. The people in it aren’t the same people they were when they met. Their bodies, responsibilities, health, priorities and desires may all have changed.

Dr Misra-Sharp says that when someone’s sex life changes, she doesn’t immediately assume there is a sexual dysfunction. Instead, she wants to know “what else was happening in their life when it changed”.

“Very often it isn’t that something has suddenly gone wrong,” she says, “but that it is the mind, body and the world around them are taking priority.”

Words: Lucy Rawlinson, Images: Shutterstock