What happens when the person who murdered your loved one is on death row? The psychology of grief, justice and closure

For some families, an execution represents the final step towards justice. But when a long-awaited execution is delayed or fails, relatives can be left facing another wave of distress. We explore the psychology of living with grief while waiting for a legal process to end.

When grief becomes a long wait

Losing someone you love to murder can shatter your sense of safety and change the way you see the world.

For families whose loved one’s killer is sentenced to death, the trauma may be compounded by a legal process that stretches on for decades.

Appeals, changes to execution dates and lengthy periods of uncertainty can mean that the case remains a central part of a family’s life long after the murder itself.

And while a death sentence may bring a sense that justice has been served, the prospect of an execution can create a new set of emotional challenges.

As chartered psychologist Dr Ravi Gill explains, grief following a violent death is rarely straightforward.

“Grief is a very complex kind of emotion,” Dr Gill says.

A family may grieve not only the person who died but also the future they expected to share with them. Parents may mourn the life their child should have had, while partners may struggle with the loss of the years they imagined spending together.

The murder can also shatter fundamental assumptions about the world.

“It shatters assumptions that the world is safe, the world is predictable,” Dr Gill explains.

When someone is killed violently, relatives may begin to question the safety of places and situations they once took for granted. They may struggle with feelings of helplessness, anger or anxiety, while the loss itself continues to affect their everyday lives.

For some families, the legal process becomes closely tied to their efforts to make sense of what happened.

What is anticipatory grief?

When a person is told that their loved one’s killer has been sentenced to death, they may begin to anticipate the execution long before it takes place.

Dr Gill describes this as a form of anticipatory grief: a period in which relatives may start emotionally preparing for an expected event, even while they are still living with the original loss.

The family has already experienced the murder and the initial stages of bereavement. The trial and sentencing may then bring another wave of emotions, followed by the wait for an execution date.

“When that final act actually happens, then it’s a whole other layer,” Dr Gill says.

The expectation of an execution can become a focal point for a family’s hopes of moving forward. Some relatives may believe that once the sentence has been carried out, they will finally be able to put the legal process behind them.

The death sentence may also represent recognition of the seriousness of the crime and the harm suffered by the victim’s family.

But the process can leave relatives feeling that their emotional recovery depends on something they cannot control.

Dr Gill explains that people often use a sense of control to help regulate their emotions. When an expected event does not happen, they can be left with feelings they thought they had already begun to process.

When an execution is delayed or fails

The psychological impact can be particularly acute when a family has spent years preparing for an execution, only for it not to go ahead.

A failed lethal injection reported by the BBC illustrates how an unexpected outcome can disrupt the expectations of everyone involved, including the families who have waited for the sentence to be carried out.

Dr Gill explains that relatives may have spent years imagining the execution as the final stage of the process. They may have begun preparing themselves for the day, thinking about what it would mean and how they would feel afterwards.

When the expected ending never comes

If the attempt fails, they may be left wondering what comes next.

“Now what do I do?” is how Dr Gill describes the dilemma facing someone who has prepared emotionally for an ending that never arrives.

The experience can bring intense anger, frustration, shock and helplessness. Some relatives may blame the authorities or search for someone to hold responsible, as they try to make sense of what has happened.

For families already coping with profound grief, this can be an overwhelming additional burden.

It may also mean having to revisit emotions they believed they had prepared themselves to confront.

The psychological impact is not necessarily limited to the day itself. The failed attempt may reopen questions about the legal process, the possibility of further delays and whether the family will ever experience the ending they had expected.

Why repeated appeals can reopen old wounds

When a murder case remains active for years, every new development can bring the original trauma back into focus.

Repeated appeals, court hearings, changes to execution dates and media coverage may act as powerful reminders of the loss.

Even if a family has begun to rebuild its life, a new report about the case can take them back to the moment they first learned what happened.

Dr Gill explains that these reminders may trigger physical and emotional reactions, including anxiety, disturbed sleep, intense sadness and feelings of helplessness.

Some people may experience distressing images or nightmares, while others may feel as though the original event is happening again.

The impact can extend well beyond the immediate news or legal development.

How trauma reminders affect everyday life

Dr Gill describes how prolonged exposure to reminders of trauma can leave some people feeling stuck in the experience, making it harder to move forward with their lives.

After decades of waiting, relatives may find themselves reflecting on how much time has passed and what has happened in their own lives since the murder.

The case may have begun when their children were young, for example, but still be dominating family conversations many years later.

This does not mean that every reminder will have the same effect, or that all bereaved relatives will experience prolonged trauma. People respond to loss in different ways.

But when legal developments repeatedly bring up distressing memories, consistent emotional support can be important.

Can an execution bring closure?

For some families, the execution is seen as the final act of justice – the point at which the person responsible has received the punishment they believe the crime deserves.

Dr Gill explains that families may invest significant hope in this outcome, believing it will allow them to begin feeling better.

In some cases, the execution may provide relief or a sense of vindication. But it cannot undo the murder or restore the person who died.

The difference between legal closure and emotional healing

The distinction between legal closure and emotional healing is important.

A court can reach a decision about responsibility and punishment, but it cannot determine when someone will stop grieving or how they will feel after the process ends.

Dr Gill explains that families may continue to experience reminders of their loss through birthdays, anniversaries and ordinary moments when they notice the person is no longer there.

Even if an execution takes place, the bereavement continues.

Some relatives may discover that the event does not bring the emotional relief they expected. Others may feel several conflicting emotions at once, including sadness, anger and relief.

There is no single response that every family should experience.

The difficulty arises when a person believes that they can only begin to recover once a particular legal outcome has occurred.

“If that then doesn’t happen for you in terms of how you process it, you’re like, ‘Okay, well, what does that mean now?’” Dr Gill says.

The task may then become finding a way to manage grief that does not depend entirely on a decision made by the courts or prison authorities.

The search for someone to blame

When a long-awaited execution fails or is delayed, families may feel that the possibility of closure has been taken away from them.

Dr Gill explains that relatives can begin to direct their anger towards the authorities, particularly if they believe the failure of the process has prevented them from moving forward.

“It’s easier to then blame authorities and people around you to say, ‘Well, you are the reason I haven’t been able to find closure,’” she says.

This reaction can be understood in the context of a traumatic loss that has left someone feeling powerless.

When the original event was beyond their control, the legal process may have offered a way to restore a sense of order. If that process then fails to deliver the expected outcome, feelings of helplessness can return.

This does not mean relatives are wrong to question the way a case is handled. Nor does it suggest that their desire for justice is unhealthy.

Rather, it highlights how closely grief, expectations and a sense of control can become connected.

Dr Gill says that helping families regain some control over their own lives can be important, particularly when the legal process continues to dominate their thoughts and emotions.

Setting boundaries while a case continues

When a murder case remains in the public eye for years, relatives may feel under pressure to follow every update, attend every hearing or remain involved in every development.

But Dr Gill explains that families can consider setting boundaries around how much information they receive and how they receive it.

This might mean deciding whether they want to be contacted about every development, choosing a family member to act as the main point of contact, or taking a step back from media coverage when it becomes overwhelming.

“You get to decide if you want to be part of any updates,” Dr Gill says.

Finding the right level of involvement

For some people, being closely involved in the process may provide a sense of control and help them feel informed. For others, receiving every detail may become too emotionally demanding.

Neither response is necessarily right or wrong. What matters is recognising individual limits and protecting wellbeing.

Dr Gill also stresses the importance of consistent support throughout the process, rather than leaving families to navigate years of uncertainty on their own.

A reliable point of contact between relatives and the relevant authorities can help them access information and ask questions. However, the person taking on that role may also need support, as other family members may turn to them to manage difficult news and intense emotions.

The emotional burden of being the messenger should not be underestimated.

Finding a way forward

There is no single formula for coping with the murder of a loved one or the long wait for an execution.

For some families, the legal outcome may provide a sense of justice. For others, the grief continues in ways they could not have anticipated, even after the case has ended.

Dr Gill’s advice is to recognise that emotional recovery does not have to depend entirely on the legal process.

Families may benefit from consistent support, clear communication and the ability to set boundaries around how much of the case they engage with. They may also need help managing the repeated reminders of trauma that can arise when a case remains in the public eye.

Healing does not have to follow a timetable

Most importantly, there is no requirement to experience grief in a particular way or to feel that a specific event should bring everything to an end.

An execution may conclude a legal process, but it cannot reverse the original loss.

For those left behind, healing may involve finding ways to live alongside grief, rebuild relationships and regain a sense of control over their own lives.

The pursuit of justice can remain important, but it does not have to be the only route towards recovery.

Sometimes, moving forward begins with recognising that the past cannot be changed – while finding ways to ensure that it does not continue to dictate every part of the future.

Pics: Getty Images

Dr Ravi Gill – CPsychol, PsyD is a Chartered Psychologist specialising in trauma. For more information on her work, visit Smart Mind Health or Instagram: @dr.ravi_gill