Why being the person everyone relies on can leave you feeling lonely

Words: Faye James

You’re the friend who remembers the appointment and sends a message afterwards. The person who sorts out the family arrangements, listens when someone’s marriage is difficult and somehow knows what needs doing before anybody asks.

People trust you, they tell you they couldn’t manage without you, yet, at the end of a day spent responding to everyone else, you can find yourself wishing someone would ask how you are and stay long enough to hear the answer.

It can feel strange to be lonely when your life is full of people. But as therapist and psychotherapist Biannka Brannigan explains, having others depend on you doesn’t necessarily mean you have somewhere to turn yourself. “Being needed and being supported are two very different relational experiences,” she tells Psychologies. 

The distinction matters: relationships can have plenty of contact, affection and practical involvement while leaving little space for one person’s uncertainty or exhaustion. “You can be deeply needed without necessarily feeling deeply known,” says Brannigan.

How we become the capable one

Being dependable may be something you value about yourself, there is pleasure in helping someone you love and satisfaction in knowing you can handle a difficult situation.

But sometimes this role has a longer history, Brannigan explains that some people learned early that responsibility and self-sufficiency were valued, or grew up with little room for their own needs. For others, being organised and alert to what people needed helped create stability in an unpredictable environment. “It can be an adaptation that becomes so familiar that we experience it simply as who we are.”

Over time, that familiar way of behaving can shape what others expect, they know you as the person who listens, manages and copes. They may see much less of the person who sometimes needs reassurance or would like someone else to take charge.

Asking for help can consequently feel more uncomfortable than we expect. You might worry about burdening a friend, feel guilty about needing anything or believe you should be able to manage alone. Understanding that support is reasonable doesn’t always make receiving it feel easy.

Listen to the resentment

Perhaps you notice yourself feeling irritated by another request you would usually accept, or you find yourself pulling away from messages, even from people you care about. “One of the clearest signs can be resentment,” says Brannigan.

She explains that this can sometimes signal that we have repeatedly agreed to things when we wanted to decline, or have given more than we had available.

Other clues are less apparent, when someone asks what you need, you might genuinely struggle to answer. You have become so practised at noticing everyone else’s feelings that your own are harder to identify.

Notice, too, how you respond when help arrives. Do you immediately say you’re fine? Minimise a difficult day? Start thinking about how quickly you can return the favour? “Caring for other people isn’t the problem,” Brannigan says. “It can be a deeply meaningful part of who we are.”

The question is whether there is enough room in those relationships for you to receive care as well.

Let someone see a little more

You don’t need to announce a complete change in how you relate to everyone, start with someone you trust and one thing you would usually keep to yourself. Brannigan suggests saying: “I know I’m usually the person who manages things, but I could really use some support with this.”

Being specific can give the other person a clearer way to respond. Perhaps you would appreciate a call after an appointment, help with an arrangement or time to talk without immediately looking for a solution.

People who are accustomed to your competence may genuinely believe you need little from them. Letting them know otherwise gives the relationship an opportunity to change.

Three ways to make room for support

Check what you have available. Before automatically agreeing to a request, pause. Brannigan suggests asking yourself: “What am I feeling? What might I need here? What do I actually have capacity for?” You don’t have to find an immediate answer to begin paying attention.

Express a small need. Ask for help with one task or admit that today has been difficult. Starting with something manageable allows you to practise being more open without feeling you must reveal everything at once.

Accept an offer. When someone offers useful support, experiment with saying yes. Notice the urge to dismiss it or repay them immediately, and give yourself a moment before acting on it. “Receiving is an important part of reciprocity too,” says Brannigan.

You can still be someone others rely on while allowing them to know and support you more fully. The next time a trusted friend asks how you are, try giving the answer you usually keep back.